Harassed!!!

6 Feet girl to her boss: I'm being harassed.
Boss: how?
Girl: This guy comes in every morning and says your hair smells great.
Boss: What's the problem in that?
Girl: He is 3 feet tall.

Timber!!!

A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private area. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

-
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

Little Sister!!!!

A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"

Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"

Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"

"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"

--
A good way to change someones attitude is to change our own, because the same sun that melts butter, also hardens clay!

Even!!!

Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze.

Billy-Bob asked Bubba, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' fucked your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"

Bubba scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so….but it sho would make us even."

--
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

As wide As!!!!

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill."

Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt. "Yep," he said, "just what I thought, just about the same size."

The wife became mad and left him gardening alone.She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.

When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.

She replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill with your little match stick, do you?"

Ears!!!!!

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While he was there,an attractive young lady in a robe came out of her apartment next to the mailboxes.

The guy smiled at the young woman, and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears? Look at these tits; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day, and my butt is firm and solid body . Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered..."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me."

--
"Chance favors the prepared mind."

Check-up!!!!

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.She told me that I had to stop shagging.
I asked why and she told me, "because I am trying to examine you."

GO GREEN!!!

Priest in Jungle!!!

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.' The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.' Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.' The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

--
"Chance favors the prepared mind."

Life with Slow Down Culture

Author unknown:

An interesting reflection: Slow Down Culture………

It's been 18 years since I joined Volvo, a Swedish company. Working for them has proven to be an interesting experience. Any project here takes 2 years to be finalized, even if the idea is simple and brilliant. It's a rule.

Globalize processes have caused in us (all over the world) a general sense of searching for immediate results. Therefore, we have come to possess a need to see immediate results. This contrasts greatly with the slow movements of the Swedish. They, on the other hand, debate, debate, debate, hold x quantity of meetings and work with a slowdown scheme. At the end, this always yields better results.

The first time I was in Sweden, one of my colleagues picked me up at the hotel every morning. It was September, bit cold and snowy. We would arrive early at the company and he would park far away from the entrance (2000 employees drive their car to work). The first day, I didn't say anything, either the second or third. One morning I asked, "Do you have a fixed parking space? I've noticed we park far from the entrance even when there are no other cars in the lot." To which he replied, "Since we're here early we'll have time to walk, and whoever gets in late will be late and need a place closer to the door. Don't you think so?" Imagine my face.

Nowadays, there's a movement in Europe named Slow Food. This movement establishes that people should eat and drink slowly, with enough time to taste their food, spend time with the family, friends, without rushing. Slow Food is against its counterpart: the spirit of Fast Food and what it stands for as a lifestyle. Slow Food is the basis for a bigger movement called Slow Europe, as mentioned by Business Week. Basically, the movement questions the sense of "hurry" and "craziness" generated by globalization, fueled by the desire of "having in quantity" (life status) versus "having with quality", "life quality" or the quality of being".

French people, even though they work only 35 hours per week, are more productive than Americans or British. Germans have established 29 hour workweeks and have seen their productivity been driven up by 20%. This slow attitude has brought forth the US's attention, pupils of the fast and the "do it now!". This no-rush attitude doesn't represent doing less or having a lower productivity. It means working and doing things with greater quality, perfection, with more attention to detail and less stress. It means reducing rejects and wastage. It means reestablishing family values, friends, free and leisure time. Taking the "now", present and concrete, versus the "global", undefined and anonymous future. It means taking humans' essential values, the simplicity of living. It stands for a less coercive work environment, more happy, lighter and more productive where humans enjoy doing what they know best how to do.

It's time to stop and think on how companies need to develop serious quality with no-rush that will increase productivity and the quality of products and services, without losing the essence of spirit.

Many of us live our lives running behind time, but we only reach it when we die of a heart attack or in a car accident rushing to be on time. Others are so anxious of living the future that they forget to live the present, which is the only time that truly exists. We all have equal time throughout the world. No one has more or less. The difference lies in how each one of us does with our time. We need to live each moment.

As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

Congratulations for reading till the end of this message. There are many who will have stopped in the middle so as not to waste time in this globalized world.

--
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

90 / 10 Principle - by Stephen Covey

__._,_.___

Answer to go home!!!!

It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home. The teacher told the kids, "As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave. o.k, who said four score and seven years ago?"

Johnny lifts his hand in excitement. "Yes, Johnny?"

But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln. "Very good, Lucy, you may go home now."

Johnny was red in the face with anger. The teacher then gave the next quote, "Who said I have a dream.."

Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again. But this time Mary interjected and said "Martin Luther King." "Very good, Mary, you may go home now."

At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off. But the teacher asked again, "Who said ask not what your country can do for you?"

Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly. This time Rebecca chimed in and said, "JFK" "Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now."

Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD! He turns to the kid next to him and says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

"Who said that?"asked the teacher. "Bill Clinton," said Johnny, "Can I go home now?"

working in Broking Firm? :))

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor in India and said:

Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.

Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only

Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.

Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only...

Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.

Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first:

Man:

• I sleep like dog thinking about my Target whole night.
  
• I get up in the morning like a horse
  
• I go to work running like a deer
  
• I work all the day like a donkey
  
• I run around for 12 months like a bull without any holiday.
  
• I wag my tail in front of all my bosses/Clients
  
• I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.
  
• I am like a rabbit before my wife
  

Doctor: are you working in Broking Firm?

Man: Yes !!

Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are Working in Broking Firm.

Come man, no one can treat you better than me.  

--
"Chance favors the prepared mind."

Medical Aid!!!

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school?

A GP or a surgeon?" "Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law.

--
"Chance favors the prepared mind."

Wrong Notion!!!

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."

--
"Chance favors the prepared mind."

Grass Sandwich!!!

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have love with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

--
"Chance favors the prepared mind."

Insurance Policies!!!

Peter walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need anyone" they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"
"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.
"How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
Peter was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. George's and this one is Mr. Robert's."
"That's good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!

--
"Chance favors the prepared mind."

Embarrassed :)

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. 

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

Answer :)

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently.

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust.

"You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'

Charging Bull :)

A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking.

To everyone's astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . Werent you afraid? one of the workers asked the boy.

Not at all, the boy replied , I knew this cow was his mother-in-law

Cowboy!!!!

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

New Office Humor

Take a break, SMILE :)

Cold!!!

A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat.

Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"

"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.

--
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

Funny Movie names :)

These will be titles of some of the Telugu movies when dubbed in Telangana.

1. Narasimha Naidu - Narsing Yadav
2. Parugu - Uruku
3. Akkada Ammayi Ikkada Abbayi - Aada Pori Eeda Poragaadu
4. Siddu from Srikakulam - Mallesh from Malkajgiri
5. Chaala baavundi - Zabardastundi
6. Avunanna Kadanna - Au Malla Lee Malla
7. Sankranti - Bonalu
8. Ammayilu Abbayilu - Porlu Poragaallu
9. Palnati Brahmanaidu - Karimnagar KCR
10. Naari Naari Naduma Murari - Pori Pori Madhyana Tiwari
11. Chantabbai - Chinna poragadu
12. Kaumaram Puli - Kaumaram Sher
13. 47 rojulu - 47 dinalu
14. Seema Sastry - Telangana Sastry
15. Sorry naaku pellayyindi - sorry naaku laggamayyindi
16. Idiot – Dhed Dimak gaadu
17. Varudu – PENDLIKODUKU

and finally.....

18. POKIRI - FALTU BADKHOW

--
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

Dripping!!!

The Polack was getting friendly with the woman at the bar. She rubbed up against him and, to her surprise, she felt something thick and rock hard. She invited him back to her place and took him into the bedroom.

But when he pulled off his pants, she was shocked to see a foot long length of steel pipe between his legs. "How did you get that?" she demanded.

The Polack said, " A couple of months ago my weenie began dripping."

She asked, "So you went to a doctor?"

"The doctor was too expensive. So I called a plumber."