Clever Dog :)

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.

Her husband replied Well, lots of dogs can do that.

The wife responded,

But we've never subscribed to any papers!!!

Lights :)

Halfway through a romantic dinner at a nice, cozy restaurant, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights."

I was falling in love all over again when he added, "We gotta get some of these lights!"

The Knob!!!

A  woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her  about a new  procedure called 'The Knob,' where a  small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten  up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted  'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years,  the woman tightened the knob, and the effects  were wonderful, the woman remained  young looking and vibrant.

After  fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon  with two problems..

'All these  years, everything has been working just fine.  I've had to turn the knob many times and  I've  always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First,  I have these terrible bags under my eyes and  the knob won't get rid of them.'

The  doctor looked at her closely and said,  'Those aren't bags, those are your  breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess  there's no point in asking about the  goatee.'

Adopted :)

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?' asked another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

Objects!!!

John was talking to Alan.
"So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep, whenever I mention sex, they object."

Gorilla Removers!!!

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." he calls the number, and the gorilla
remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean huge dog.

"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the  gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

Little Johnny!!!!

Little Johnny  is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the postman usually get bucked off!"

Name of the Book :)

One day a Mr.Joe goes to a library and asks for a book.

The beautiful librarian asks him the name of the book.

Joe says: "Psycho The Rapist"

Librarian searches for the book for a long time, comes back, slaps Joe and says: You idiot, It is "Psychotherapist" .

or what!!!!

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had s*x with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "Money has been really tight for us lately, so I got a job downtown. For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you
see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband about this or what?

Ex-girlfriend!!!

A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship.
"You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why, because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from cumming too fast."

WHERE TO TAP :)

Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed? The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He  inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
 
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
 
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
 
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
 
The man sent a bill that read:
 
Tapping with a hammer ........ $              2.00
Knowing where to tap ............ $       9998.00
 
Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference.

Free Services!!!!

One sunny afternoon, Banta was out in the woods hunting and came upon a girl tied to a tree. He asked her what had happened.

She explained how a couple of men had tied her up and had enjoyed her services without paying a ground fee.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" asked Banta.

"I did," she replied "but there's nobody within a six mile radius so they couldn't hear me."

"Six miles?" Banta remarked. "Are you sure of that?"

"Yes, I'm certain," she replied.

"Well, then," said Banta, "here we go again.

Little Johnny!!!!

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says,

"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

Preferential treatment!!!

A man was being interviewed  for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

Parrot!!

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!!

6 minutes late!!!!

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees  always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed."

"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying on her back?"

George replies, "Then I am 6 minutes late."

Elderly couple!!!!

An elderly couple is laying in bed after a party to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Some of the guests at the party are sleeping over in the same house.

Says the husband to his wife, "Remember, honey, 50 years ago, on our wedding night? I even cut my finger so that everyone thought you were still a virgin!"

She responds, "And what? Do you want me to blow my nose in the bed sheets so that everyone will think you're still able to get it up?"

Message on the cake!!!!!

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says:

Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and " You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".

Johnny ......good one

Mohammed, a Pakistani child,  entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio (USA)

"What is your name?"  - asked the teacher.

"Mohammed". . .. - answered the kid.

"You are in America now.  From now on your name  will be Johnny," -replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed  returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" - asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"  and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammed returned to school..

When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

Well madam, 4 hours after I becoming an American,  I was attacked by two Pakistani's At home."

Unusual Request!!!!

The sexy little housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came into the room, he would just about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished the repair she paid him and said, "I'm going to make to make a . . . well . . . unusual request.

But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret.

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, he was so turned on, "Yes yes!" he stammered anxiously, -

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ."she continued hesitantly.

"Yes. yes !" he nodded affirmatively, tongue tied with desire,

When she asked,



















"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"*