inglis movie!!!

Boy: Sweetheart I have two tickets of inglis movie wanna come?

Girl: which movie?

Boy: "Condom of Shailesh"

Girl : You idiot it's "QUANTUM OF SOLACE"

Blonde Moment :)

A blonde texts her boyfriend asking , " What does IDK stand for ? "

He texts back , " I don't know. "

She replies , " OMG , nobody does ! "

Prescription!!

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.

The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"

The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

Wheelbarrow!!!

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the counselor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

Newlyweds!!!

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?

Optimist!!!

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say: ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked: ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said: ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says: ''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said: ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says: ''If it had happened two days ago, I would be dead now!"

Goodyear!!!

What do you do with 365 used condys?

Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear

New Shoes!!!

Nude husband in new shoes: "Do you see something new?"

Wife: "No, your weenie is hanging as usual."

Angry husband: "Because, it is looking at my new shoes."

Wife: "Then buy a new hat. "

Good & Bad Luck!

What is the perfect example of both Good & Bad Luck?

The naughty wind blows the girl's skirt high (Good luck) but at the same time dust falls into the boy's eyes (Bad luck)

Snore!!

Some biker guys went on a camping weekend. No one wanted to tent with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept in Bob's tent and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night"

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.  They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!?"
 
He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older rider, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
 
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed, I went and tucked Bob in, patted him on the butt and kissed him goodnight, Bob sat up and watched me all night!"

Politician :)

A dance teacher taught a very old dance called the 'Politician'.

She told her class, "Take three steps forward, two steps backwards, then side-step side-step and do a complete turn around."

Describe :)

After being married for thirty years... a wife asked her husband to describe her.
 
He looked at her slowly... then said, "You're  A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H...... ummmm ........I, J, K."

She asks..."What does that mean darling?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful,  Elegant,  Fabulous, Gorgeous,  Hot."

She smiled happily and said... "Oh, that's so lovely... What about I, J, K?"

He said,  "I'm  Just  Kidding!"
 
His eye is still swollen.

Where are you...? :)

Wife: Where the hell are you jerk ?

Husband : Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said "baby it'll be yours one day"

Wife: yeah I remember my love !

Husband: I am in the pub just next to that shop!

Tomatoes !!

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

She says Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

"So so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."

Spiderman :)

Praise for answered prayers!!!!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Alice Chapman stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, John, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor John must have experienced.

"John was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of John's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on John.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, John is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm John Chapman." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Sternum is a flat, dagger shaped bone located in the middle of the chest.

Goodnight Kiss!!!

Loretta lowered her lashes and whispered, "Kiss me goodnight."

So Bob kissed her on the navel.

"Why did you do it there?" she asked with surprise.

"Oh," he answered, "I wanted to see what you`d open first...your eyes or your legs

Triple Filter Test :)

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, do you know what I just heard about your friend?  

 

Hold on a minute, Socrates replied. Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.

 

Triple filter?

 

That's right, Socrates continued. Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?

 

 No, the man said, actually I just heard about it and...

 

All right, said Socrates. So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?

 

No, on the contrary ¦

 

So, Socrates continued, you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?

 

No, not really ¦

 

Well, concluded Socrates, if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?

Clouds and Wife :)

What's common between clouds and wife.....????

When both are not around, we call it a pleasant day... ;)    

Orchestra!!!

Suspecting husband says "I think I'm playing the second fiddle"

 

Wife: With that little flute of yours, you are lucky, you are still in the orchestra.....

Persevere :)

A young guy was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he'd just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.

As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!

So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.

The next day, as the guy enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young guy asked him what that was for. The man replied,

"This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one."

Shut off the light!!!

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy ... you explain the kids."

Old Man’s Stories!!!

The First One Said: "My Hands Shake So Bad That Today I Shaved And I Cut My Face!"

Second Old Man. "My Hands Shake So Bad That When I Trimmed My Garden Yesterday I Sliced All My Flowers!"

The Third Old Man Laughed And Said: "That's Nothing Friends. My Hands Shake So Bad That When I Took A Piss Yesterday, I Came Two Times."

Superman!!!

If You Have Two Balls Between Your Legs, Then You Are A Man

But If You Have Four Balls Between Your Legs????

Don't Think You Are A Superman

It Means Someone Is Screwing You

Jelly!!!

A doctor was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man he asked . . .

So how's your breakfast this morning?   'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste, Bob replied. 

Doctor  then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '

Biggest Lie :)

 

Smart Wife :)

A husband came from a paid seminar on married  life, wanted to express his bad luck of ugly wife said, "The lecturer told us,  the wife of an Idiot is generally beautiful and ............"

The wife interrupted the husband and said, "Seems  you don't have any work other than praising me all the times."

I believe you!!!

The attractive young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend Joe, when she burst into tears.

"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs.

"I'm really not that kind of girl!"

"I believe you," Joe said, as he tried to comfort her.

"You're the first one," Sarah replied.

"The first one to make love to you?" Joe asked.

"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!"

Foreplay -OL !!!

What is a man's idea of foreplay?  A half hour of begging.