Which is worse?!!!!

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his weenie after his girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Which is worse?

Having your girlfriend find out you're married…

Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your weenie

Or finding out your weenie fits through your wedding ring?

Children Menu!!!!

The waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be expected while the guy was slowly going over the breakfast menu.

Being a smart ass, he said to the other guys in the booth, and loud enough for her to overhear, "I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in size for my own."

The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented, "In that case, maybe you should be looking at the children's menu.

NOT FOR CIRCULATION :)

I met my husband while I was working in a science library.

He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.

After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk.

I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer.

Finally, he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books.

"Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will have to do," and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read:

"NOT FOR CIRCULATION."

The Waitress!!!!

An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.

She is indignant.

The guy says, "Don't get excited. This is all in the Bible."

Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry.

The man explains, "It's in the Bible."

An hour later they're in the guy's hotel room and he suggests They undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful since it's in the Bible.

"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"

Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, "Thelma the waitress is a great lay."

Wild Party!!!!

Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night?"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party."

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."

Crutches!!!!

When Ralph first noticed that his weenie was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several months his weenie had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

For all those cricket lovers

Yorkshiremen are known for their devotion to cricket.
In fact, one day, an avid Yorkshire fan was asked, 'If your wife and
Geoff Boycott were in a house that was falling over a cliff, who would
you save?'
'Are you kidding?' was the reply. 'My wife's a lousy bat.

Drunk!!!!

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."

Bull frog!!!

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give BJ's!'

'BJ's!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true…no more BJ's for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook you're gone.'

Partition!!!!!

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he had to threaten the madam, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition!"

Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."  "I'll take you."

"Me? I'm 20 years older than most of the women here. Why don't you take one of those young, good looking ladies."  "I want you," the carpenter replied.

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt.
 
"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."