WHERE TO TAP :)

Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed? The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He  inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
 
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
 
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
 
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
 
The man sent a bill that read:
 
Tapping with a hammer ........ $              2.00
Knowing where to tap ............ $       9998.00
 
Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference.

Free Services!!!!

One sunny afternoon, Banta was out in the woods hunting and came upon a girl tied to a tree. He asked her what had happened.

She explained how a couple of men had tied her up and had enjoyed her services without paying a ground fee.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" asked Banta.

"I did," she replied "but there's nobody within a six mile radius so they couldn't hear me."

"Six miles?" Banta remarked. "Are you sure of that?"

"Yes, I'm certain," she replied.

"Well, then," said Banta, "here we go again.

Little Johnny!!!!

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says,

"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

Preferential treatment!!!

A man was being interviewed  for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

Parrot!!

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!!

6 minutes late!!!!

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees  always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed."

"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying on her back?"

George replies, "Then I am 6 minutes late."

Elderly couple!!!!

An elderly couple is laying in bed after a party to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Some of the guests at the party are sleeping over in the same house.

Says the husband to his wife, "Remember, honey, 50 years ago, on our wedding night? I even cut my finger so that everyone thought you were still a virgin!"

She responds, "And what? Do you want me to blow my nose in the bed sheets so that everyone will think you're still able to get it up?"

Message on the cake!!!!!

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says:

Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and " You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".

Johnny ......good one

Mohammed, a Pakistani child,  entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio (USA)

"What is your name?"  - asked the teacher.

"Mohammed". . .. - answered the kid.

"You are in America now.  From now on your name  will be Johnny," -replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed  returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" - asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"  and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammed returned to school..

When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

Well madam, 4 hours after I becoming an American,  I was attacked by two Pakistani's At home."

Unusual Request!!!!

The sexy little housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came into the room, he would just about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished the repair she paid him and said, "I'm going to make to make a . . . well . . . unusual request.

But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret.

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, he was so turned on, "Yes yes!" he stammered anxiously, -

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ."she continued hesitantly.

"Yes. yes !" he nodded affirmatively, tongue tied with desire,

When she asked,



















"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"*