Clever Dog :)

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.

Her husband replied Well, lots of dogs can do that.

The wife responded,

But we've never subscribed to any papers!!!

Lights :)

Halfway through a romantic dinner at a nice, cozy restaurant, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights."

I was falling in love all over again when he added, "We gotta get some of these lights!"

The Knob!!!

A  woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her  about a new  procedure called 'The Knob,' where a  small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten  up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted  'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years,  the woman tightened the knob, and the effects  were wonderful, the woman remained  young looking and vibrant.

After  fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon  with two problems..

'All these  years, everything has been working just fine.  I've had to turn the knob many times and  I've  always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First,  I have these terrible bags under my eyes and  the knob won't get rid of them.'

The  doctor looked at her closely and said,  'Those aren't bags, those are your  breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess  there's no point in asking about the  goatee.'

Adopted :)

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?' asked another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

Objects!!!

John was talking to Alan.
"So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep, whenever I mention sex, they object."

Gorilla Removers!!!

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." he calls the number, and the gorilla
remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean huge dog.

"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the  gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

Little Johnny!!!!

Little Johnny  is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the postman usually get bucked off!"

Name of the Book :)

One day a Mr.Joe goes to a library and asks for a book.

The beautiful librarian asks him the name of the book.

Joe says: "Psycho The Rapist"

Librarian searches for the book for a long time, comes back, slaps Joe and says: You idiot, It is "Psychotherapist" .

or what!!!!

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had s*x with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "Money has been really tight for us lately, so I got a job downtown. For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you
see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband about this or what?

Ex-girlfriend!!!

A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship.
"You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why, because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from cumming too fast."