Little Johnny - Moon!!

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...

Teacher : Wow !! What a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning.

Little Johnny - Developments!!

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."

Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day... 

Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."

Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."

Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie! At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."

All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny says, "Hey, relax girls... it hasn't opened yet!"

Screwed!!

A man who had been called to testify at the Income Tax Department asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most revealing negligee, a nice V-neck.' "

Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Income Tax Department?"

"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're gonna get screwed anyway."

Logical!!

A very logical and somewhat cold calculating professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife:

Dear Wife,

You must realize that now you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

Your Husband,

Professor Malone When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Your Wife.

Men will be Men :)

Man gets home late and find a note on the fridge :
This is not working, I'm moving in with my sister.
Man opens fridge the light comes on and the beer feels cold.
It's working !? what is she talking about.

Bangkok Tourism!!

Loyal husbands will get Heaven after they die;

Disloyal husbands will get Heaven while they are alive.

Choice is Yours!

Bangkok Tourism

Healing!!

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

Brand Ambassador -OL!!

Draupadi was the first L'Oreal brand ambassador...5 problems, 1 Solution!

Lonely woman!!

A lonely woman checked into a resort and decided to call one of the numbers she'd seen advertising male escort services and sensual massages. She flipped through the phone book, found an ad with a picture of a particularly strapping young man and called the number.

"Hello?" a male voice answered. "How may I help you?"

"I hear you give a great massage, and I'd really like to experience one," the woman said. "Well, actually, I should just be straight with you. I'm in town, I'm all alone and what I really want is it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring toys, rubber, leather, whips... everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up and cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream. I want to do it all. How does that sound?"

"That sounds great," the man replied, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Old age Violence!!

One night an eighty-four-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her ninety two-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became quite violent.

When all the violence was ended, she'd pushed him off the balcony of their twentieth-story apartment.

The man was killed instantly.

The elderly woman was apprehended and taken to the local lockup.

When brought before the court on charges of homicide, she was questioned to see if she had anything to say in her own behalf. (The poor woman could not afford an attorney.)

"Your Honor," she began calmly and coolly, "I figured that at ninety-two, if he could still screw, then he must be related to Superman - and he could fly!"