Pictures!!

When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

Attitude Problem!

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

ORGASM!!

To stay slim, healthy and happy, have an ORGASM everyday.

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O: Oil free food.

R: Ripe fruits.

G: Grilled vegetables.

A: All wheat bread

S: Salt-free food.

M: Morning Exercise

What you thought also works!

Sergeant Jack

After the end of the war, a young female reporter from a local newspaper was sent to write an article about the soldiers homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Jacky on the street.

"Excuse me," she said "but were you in the war?"

"Yeah, I was in the infantry."

"Would you mind to answer a few questions for a newspaper article?"

"No, I wouldn't mind at all."

"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"

"I screwed my wife," Jack said bluntly.

The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject.

"After that. I mean, what did you do after that?"

"I screwed her again," Jack answered.

The journalist turned even more red, and got even more desperate to change the subject.

"Other than that! Ummmm... what did you do when you were finished with all that?!"

"Then I unstrapped my shoes and my heavy backpack and screwed my sweetheart again."

Portrait!!

Grace and Martha were from a very prim and proper Eastern finishing school, and they were spending their vacation together in New York.

On this particular afternoon, they had accepted an invitation from a Bohemian artist, whom they had met a few weeks before on a visit to the Village, to attend an exhibition of his paintings. As they approached an extremely provocative nude, Grace couldn't help noticing that the canvas bore a striking resemblance to her girlfriend.

"Martha," she gasped, "that painting looks exactly like you. Don't tell me you've been posing in the nude!"

"Certainly not!" Martha stammered, blushing furiously. "He must have painted it from memory."

Knowledge :)

During a robbery in Hongkong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:  "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. 

 

This is called "Mind Changing Concept" Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!" 

This is called "Being Professional" Focus only on what you are trained to do! 

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got." 

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!" 

This is called "Experience" 

Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications! 

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him:  "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank".

This is called "Swim with the tide"  Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."  

 This is called "Changing priority" Personal Happiness is more important than your job".

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. 

The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!" 

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

Oral Exam!

On the last day of his French class, Professor Lint goes over the final exam.

"The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam."

Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't graduate. After class, she meets Professor Lint in his office.

"Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out." Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are making love in his office.

Afterwards, Heather asks, "How's my comprehension?"

"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Professor Lint says, "is the oral part of the exam."

A Stiff One

After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said, "What can I get you, gorgeous?"

The woman blushed and replied, "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."

The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear, "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"

The Right Words!!

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.

He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."

She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"

The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful melons and bite lightly. That's what I'd like but What I Need is a new tie!"

Smell!!

A Blonde couple were in a car parked on Lovers Lane and the young man turned admiringly to his pretty date and said, "Gee, you smell terrific. You wearing perfume or something?"

The girl blushed charmingly and confessed that she was wearing a new perfume that she'd bought especially with him in mind.

"You smell good, too," she aid, "What do you have on?"

"Well, I have a hard-on," blurted the young man," but I didn't know that you could smell it."