A Respectable Lady!!

Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing.

"But," she told him, "it didn't end all that great for me."

"Why, what happened?" he asked.

"I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn't go out far because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!"

"For goodness sake, sweetie, what did you do?"

"Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do. I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could."

Miracle :)

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people, when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?

She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle... he gave me a longer cane."

Discretion!!

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. 

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. 

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Quarrel!!

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. 

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" 

"Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last

Deal!!

A romantic young married couple exploring new ways of romance, intimacy, love, pleasure, joy, touch, smell, positions and styles of Kamasutra, venue, adventure were sitting at a candle light table in a splendid restaurant in the quietest corner of their choice. They ordered expensive wine and Hors D'oeuvres.

Suddenly the man started slipping on his chair. The waitress noticed it from a distance with her other responsibilities, but thought man would handle himself and straighten out.

However, the man slowly started sliding under the table further until he disappeared. The wife was quite unconcerned, inattentive to her husband and kept on drinking and eating expansively. The waitress had to react and help.

She came to the woman and said, "Ma'am your husband may have lost his balance, and slipped under the table."

The lady replied with a whoop of pleasure, "Perhaps, but don't worry he is enjoying the Deal Under the Table."

Faithful and Virgin!

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice, "Daughter, when you're in Town and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements mother set for you. You must find a man that is faithful', 'thrifty' and must be a 'virgin'."

With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother's blessings to marry.

"Mother, I've met the my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?"

Her mother nodded in agreement.

"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, they'll share one room only. Isn't he not thrifty guy?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin"

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with repudiation. "MMM...his 'that one' is still new and hard.... All wrapped up in plastic, mum !"

Expensive Camera!

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed "to exercise the Papal wrist", and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute!", said the Pope, "You cannot do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!"

"This is my big lottery win," said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?"

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "....Two million Euros..."

TWO MILLION EUROS!" replied the housekeeper. "They must have seen you coming!"

Alarm!!

Anna is working in the kitchen when Paddy enters with his first erection in years.

"Anna...Anna... get into bed," he says.

She takes off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away, washes her hands, takes off her undies gets on the bed, feet in the air, legs apart... but all too late. Paddy has withered away.

"You know Anna... we can't have this happen again," says Paddy. "Next time I get one of these boners, I'll ring the firebell so you start getting ready when youse hears it. When I git to the house with it, we'll be right to go."

Months go by. Anna's in the kitchen, when suddenly she hears the fire bell. She goes through all the preparations real quick! Paddy comes pounding into the house in his big boots, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where Anna lies waiting for him, legs wide apart, feet in the air.

He looks at her and says, "Get up, yer silly old cow... the bloody barn's on fire!"

Little Johnny - Mouse!!

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. 

His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed. 

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?" 

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

New Year Wishes...

May each day of the coming year bring with it a different reason to make you smile and may you find happiness all around.. 

Wishing you & your family peace, prosperity and happiness in the year ahead... 

HAPPY NEW YEAR - 2016