Walmart!!

A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he
asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to unzip his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to unzip his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said… "Cleanup, Register 5."

Drunkard!!

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out… "Holy shit! My girl- friend's gone, too!"

Jewelry!!!

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear…a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room…they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.)

That means the daddy puts his thing in the mommy's vagina.

 

That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but last night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's thing in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, dear.

Little Johnny...!!!

Little Johnny notices a friend has a new watch and is jealous. He
asks his mate how he got it.

"Easy," he says, " I waited till me sister and her feller were 'at it'
and then walked in. They bought me this watch to keep me quiet".

Little Johnny hasn't got a sister, but he waits till his brother has
his girlfriend round. When he thinks they are 'at it' he walks in.

"What do you want yer little sod!" asks his brother.

"I wanta watch" says Little Johnny.

"Well watch then," says his brother, "but just keep quiet."

Employee of the Year...award (B Careful)

How many of you are expecting employee of the year award in this
annual function?

Are you a dedicated employee?????????

A dedicated employee!

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 Employee of the month (enclosed)

This is the dedication level expected from all employees!! Wish you success!!

Fix It :)

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. 

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it is my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Missed a smile, click archive section for more reasons to smile ->>>>

A Dirty Mind!!!

:)

Anniversary Present

After many years, her original wedding band had become worn and thin, so she asked her husband to buy her a new ring as her anniversary present. But this time she asked him to buy her one with diamonds.

They went down to the jewelry store to pick one out. As they waited for the clerk, she said to her husband, "My eyes aren't as good as they used to be, so I'd really like
diamonds I can see."

Having overheard their conversation, a lady standing nearby remarked, "Sir, it would be cheaper if you bought her glasses."

Fireman!!!

A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for your-self these days?"

"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.

"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice,you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."

Christmas Party!!!

The chief of staff at the hospital remarked to the director of nursing that there seemed to be an awful lot of expectant nurses in their hospital. As they were walking down the hall,he was becoming more and more concerned about a possible staff shortage as everyone seemed pregnant. He began to ask the director when each pregnant nurse they passed was due. 

"When is she due?" 

"Some time in late September." 

"How about her?" 

"Late September." 

"And her?" 

"September." 

"My goodness!" exclaimed the chief of staff. "How about her?" 

"I have no idea, sir. Norma wasn't at last year's Christmas Party."