Two Lips and Seven Kisses!!

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses."

She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company.

In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

Apologies!!

A woman with 14 children, ages one through 14, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.

"When did he desert you?" the judge asked.

"Thirteen years ago," she replied.

"If he left 13 years ago," asked the judge, "where did all the children come from?"

"Well," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry."

Massage!!

The Italian says, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says, That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with Ghee. I caressed her entire body, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal! How did you make her scream for two hours?"

The Indian replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains...!"

Lies :)

The school phoned me today and said: "Your son has been telling lies!"

I said: "Well tell him he's bloody good. I ain't got any Sons!"

Codewords!!

Ek Ladki Dukaan Pe Gayi Aur Dukandar Se Boli.

Ladki: "Ek 28 Number Ki Bra Dena"

Dukandar Ne Andar Apne Ek Naukar Ko Awaj Lagayi Aur Bola

Dukaandar: "Chote, Ek Baalgopal Laana"

Tabhi Ek Aunty Aayi Aur Boli.

Aunty: "Bhaiya, Mujhe 1 42 Number Bra Dena"

Dukaandaar: "Chotu, Sath Mein Ek Jhulelaal Bhi Lete Aana"

Logical and legal !!

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just couldn't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment) , all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor, and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student. "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither logical nor legal !!" 

Professor faints !!

City tour :)

My mother-in-law wanted to explore the city. So I took her Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors.

While we stopped to observe one of the creations, a supervisor yelled, "Can you please take her ahead sir, we are stocktaking."

Cowboy!!

Ted, an old cowboy was relaxing in a bar with a drink. While he sat there sipping his whiskey, a sexy young woman came and sat next to him.

She turned to Ted and asked "Tell me if you really are a cowboy?"

The old cowboy replied, "Well, I was raised on a ranch, grew up herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess that makes me a cowboy."

The woman said, "You know I am a lesbian. I spend my whole time thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, eat food, all I can think about is women."

A little while later, another guy sat next to our old cowboy, Ted and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

Ted replied with a sigh, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I am a lesbian."

Twins!!

Jeremy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a Jack Daniels...make it large."

"Celebrating something?" the bartender asks.

Jeremy replies, "I just became the father of twin boys."

"Wow!" exclaimed the bartender, "Your wife must be really excited!"

Jeremy empties the glass and says, "She will be the moment she finds out."

Lingo :)

There is a pair of Chartered Accountants who decide to tie the knot.

During the marriage ceremony, the wife vomits a few times. The Husband asks her what is wrong.

The wife replies in the CA"s Lingo - It's only a Capital gain arising out of a previous partnership.