Just Married!!!

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-Meter board, and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out, and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

Crossword

​The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I.

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking. The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything your Eminence.. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

Prayer - OL!!

​

Every time a condom breaks, some one learns to pray!

Crashing economy!!

Santa: A crashing economy can effect a person's sex life drastically. I am one of the victims.

Banta: And how is that?

Santa: My girlfriend's husband lost his job. As a result, he is always at home!

Night Duty!!

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?

Hard & Soft!!

A man, very much on the make for his secretary, wined her and dined her. He finally succeeded in getting her to his apartment, where he whispered sweet promises into her ear while he began to unbutton her blouse.

"If we get together," he said, "a fur coat...perhaps a trip to Europe."

The secretary nodded a cheerful agreement, and soon the two were locked in intercourse. Later, while dressing, she asked him when she could get the fur coat he'd promised.

"What fur coat?" he asked.

"You promised me a fur coat," she said.

"When I'm horny I'll promise anything," he said. Putting one hand on his heart and one on his weenie, he added, "When he's soft, he's hard. When he's hard, he's soft."

Divorce Couple

A newly wed couple went to their lawyer to get themselves a divorce.

The lawyer wondered that why do they want a divorce wen they are both good looking & newly wed. So he took both of them into separate rooms & asked them the reason for the divorce.

1st with the man...

"I wanted this () ... at least this ( ) ... but what is this ( *** ) ..!!!"

...then with the woman...

"I wanted this =========> ...at least this =====> ...but what is this ==> ???"

You-Know-What

A lady was in the garden tending to her flowers when she got the urge to pee. So she did and wiped off her dew on a rose. Her husband came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then ran to phone the newspaper editor.

"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"

The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what that smells like a rose, call me again."

Quick Diagnosis!!

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating & see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine tht woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her, "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope &, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed."

Little Johnny's Farm Visit

Grandpa was showing Little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."

A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"