Meant to say something!!

Two married Fellas, Jim and Alec were having a beer after work. Jim says: "Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?"

"How do you mean?" said Alec.

"Well, see the other day, instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg"

"Yeah, I know what you mean," said Alec. "Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was "You bitch, you've ruined my life!!!"

Commitment!!

​​At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: 

"The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents weenie. 

It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.

"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent. 

A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."

Fishing :)

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. 

On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. 

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange trout."

"Why's that?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."

Horse Ride!!

An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

"Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.

"Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..."

Melt!!

Once upon a time there lived a King. The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS... but there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the King, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition.

Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth. Three young Princes Took up the challenge.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince's pants?

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Cadbury's 5 Star - It melts in your mouth, not in your hand.But I appreciate your thinking...

Breakfast!!

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

Lesson learnt!!

After 25 years....

I was chatting with my classmate - my childhood crush online. 

She asked me, "Why I was typing so slow? And I said "Because my other hand isn't free."

She is not replying anymore.

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Lesson learnt - Never smoke while texting!

I'm Next!!

This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car.

A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf.

The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy said, "I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never screwed a cop before!"

Cheating Friend!!

A guy goes to his friend and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees and after mass, he starts talking to the priest and asking him all sorts of stupid questions just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets pissed and asks the guy what he's really up to.

The man feeling guilty confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now."

The priest smiles and says, "Son! You better hurry home now. My wife died 3 yrs back."

Challenge :)

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. 

Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"