Pay Rise!!!

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'?

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora ...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?

Important Men In A Woman’s Life

The Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life

1. THE DOCTOR: because he says, "Take your clothes off."

2. THE DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide."

3. THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?".

4. THE MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE STOCK BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again."

7. THE BANKER: because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

8. THE HUNTER: because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.

9. THE TELEPHONE GUY: because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

Cocktail bar!!!!

This guy goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a lady sitting by herself.

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread."

Ears!!!!

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vaginal lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Who is the third rose from?" she asked

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

In the middle of the forest!!!!

A man and a woman started to make love in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says,"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!"
The woman says,"Me too, you've been eating grass for the last 10 minutes."

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

The Cork!!!!

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one  guy notices the other has a cork in his buttock. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."

"I don't understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish." And I said, "No shit."

absent-minded professor :)

One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."

Predictably, he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"

He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Would you know which way it went?"

She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."

Podiatrist!!

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist.

Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."

Second best thing

Define contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid
pregnancy.

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically
what is your own"

Doctors!!!

A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached."

The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says.

"That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man.

The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

Astrologer!!!

A pregnant lady went to an astrologer.
Astrologer: When you deliver a baby, baby's father will die.
Lady: Thank god! My husband is safe!

Diwali Wishes!!!!

May the festival of lights be the harbinger of joy and prosperity.

 

As the holy occasion of Diwali is here and the atmosphere is filled with the spirit of mirth and love, here's hoping this festival of beauty brings your way, bright sparkles of contentment, that stay with you through the days ahead.

Best wishes on Diwali and New year to you and your family

 

Phani Shankar