Revenge :)

Husband and Wife had a Fight.

Wife called Mom : He fought with me again,I am coming to you.

Mom : No Dear, he must pay for his mistake,I am coming to stay with U!

Signboard outside Library -OL!!

Statutory Warning: While reading Kamasutra, please hold the book with both hands.

Mad Cow Disease!!

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

Scrote!!

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

Elbows :)

Girlfriend giving house directions to her Boy friend

"Come to the front gate of my apartment where you drop me, look for flat 9A,you ll find a lift on your right.  Hit 9 with your ELBOW.....get out of the lift u'll find my flat on left.... Hit the doorbell with your ELBOW & I'll get the door for you"

Boy friend says- Dear that seems easy but why am I hitting buttons with my elbows?

Girlfriend -"OMG! Are you coming empty handed ???"

Boy friend:- (speechless)..:

Size does not matter!!

A man was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to make love. Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers.

"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved man asked.

"Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity ward."

Subscribe!!

Jim says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason".

Steve says, "Why's that?"

Jim says, "Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit"

Attention!!

A lady to another,  What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?

Your Hubby's undivided attention!

Propose!!

How boys propose: They bend on one knee, pull out a ring and say, "I love you. Will you marry me?"

How girls propose: I am pregnant.

Coming!!

Eighty two year old Sister Croakster called her home teachers for an emergency blessing, crying, "I think my husband is having a heart attack!"

When the home teachers arrived there it was too late and Brother Croakster had died.

While consoling the wife one of the home teachers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the distraught woman what symptoms her husband had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

Sister Croakster replied, "Well, we had our gaments half off and we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.

Thought!!

Husband: If I sleep with your best friend, what will be the first thought to cross your mind?

Wife: That you are gay.

Beautiful & Innocent !!

All girls are beautiful, after the lights are switched off! -Shakespeare.

All boys are innocent, before the lights are switched off! -Shakespeare's wife.

Proud!!

In a bar an American, an Italian, a Turki and an Indian (santa) met.

American: "I'm proud of our CIA, they know whatever is happening in the world, often before it happens."

Italian: "I'm proud of our women; they're the most beautiful and not easy to be had."

Turki: "I'm proud of our carpets, true works of art. No one can make carpets of such high quality." then they all looked at the silent Santa, waiting for his response.

They asked: "what are you proud of?"

Santa: "I'm proud of myself!" they all asked: "why?"

Santa: "yesterday I screwed an Italian woman on a Turkish carpet and the CIA knew nothing about it."

Unopened!!

There lived an old lady in a small English village. In spite of her old age she was still a virgin and was proud of it. Finally, when the time came for her to bid good bye to this world, she instructed her undertaker to inscribe these words on her tomb stone:

"Virgin born, virgin lived and virgin died."

After a while she died, satisfied of her virgin status. The undertaker told his employees to inscribe the message given by the old lady. The employees, lazy and drunk, decided to cut the work short and carved:

"Returned unopened."

Wife :)

Husband asks,Do you know the meaning of WIFE.

It means...Without Information Fighting Every time!

WIFE says No,it means-With Idiot for Ever.

Did you know !!

That the pleasure of romance in the dark is 10 times more than when the light is on.

Taking shower together with your partner increases your love by 20 times.

Now, please don't get excited, it's an advertisement issued by the government to save water and electricity.

Wall :)

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Respect!!

As they drove back from a secluded spot in the woods, Rita complained to her boyfriend, Tom, "Can't you show me a little more respect?"

"Really?" smirked Tom, "Like by doing what?"

"Well, to start with, you can stop flying my pantyhose from your radio antenna."

3 Important things-OL!!

The 3 most important things in men's life: Health,Wealth and Length

Black Man!!

One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long weenie on the black man in the adjoining urinal. "How do you guys do that?" asked Carl. "I mean, get such long dicks?" "Well," replied the black man, "when making love, just push it in slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it."

After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked, "Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?"

"Yeah," said the wife. "You screw like that black man!"

Height Of Girl’s Stupidity- OL!!

They wont even give their Phone No. even to a known person, but they give all their private details to an Unknown Tailor

Trick :)

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. 

"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

Spaghetti!!

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Seven Kinds!!

The seven kinds of passionate women 

1.The Optimist 

- "Yes! Yes! Yes!" 

2.The Pessimist 

- "No! No! No!" 

3.The Confused 

- "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!" 

4.The Asthmatic 

- written rendition of gasping 

5.The Sprinter 

- "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!" 

6.The Religious 

- "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! 

7.The Mathematician 

- "More! More! More! More!

Hat!!

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam.

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!":)

Counting!!

The morning after an all-night honeymoon expert virtuoso performance in bed, the somewhat amazed but blissfully happy newlywed wife snuggles up to her new hubby and says, "Darling, you are just wonderful. Last night was simply amazing. May I ask how many others were there before me?"

After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says, "Come on, I know there must have been some - I'm waiting."

And "Captain Experience" takes a deep breath and says, "Hang on sweetheart, I'm still counting."