Janitor!!

A man wants to join the Big Dick Club, and heads down to the club to apply. 

The receptionist looks at him skeptically and asks him how large his dick is. "18 inches," he replies, proudly. 

To his surprise, the receptionist begins laughing uncontrollably, and the man leaves in shame. 

On the way out, he runs into the janitor, who asks him what's wrong. After he explains, he says to the man not to worry. 

"See that lump in my sock?" The man nods. "And I'm just the janitor."

Fairy Tales :)

"Mommy," Son asked, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?" 

"No, dear," she replied. "Sometimes they start with 'Darling, I'll be working late at the office tonight ...'"

Diseaes!!

​​A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.

The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."

The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."

He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."

Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"

Little Johnny- Misbehaved!!

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.  

Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. 

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

Blonde Joke - Counting!!

Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?

A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Black Condy!!

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks,

"Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here?"

"Sorry sir," the owner responds, "but, we're all full." 

"Aw, please I really need some poon tang!" 

And the owner answers, "Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condy." "Whatever," the man answers quickly and races upstairs. 

A few hours later the man comes down and says ''Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condy?" 

And the owner answers, "Respect for the dead".

Dentist!!

Monica is at the dentist. Half of her mouth is locked due to anesthesia, the dentist is intensively working. Monica's mobile phone starts ringing. 

Ignoring it four times, the dentist finally answers the phone pissed:

What's up?

What's up?,  some man asks.

Dentist:

Who are you?

I'm Monica's husband

Dentist: Listen, man, I'm about to finish, she will spit it out and will call you back!!!

Clearly Cheating!!

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.

Lorraine dies suddenly.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

5 minutes :)

Wife to her husband:

"I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"

Cheating!!

A woman was in bed with her husband's friend when the telephone rang.

After hanging up, she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

Budget!!

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Poster!!

Furious wife to her husband: I will hang a poster over our bed that you are stupid. Whole town will know this.

Bubba!!

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. 

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my weenie on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his weenie and whacked it three times on the bedpost. 

His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

Diwali & Christmas!!

Now that Diwali is over and we are waiting for next holiday break for Christmas here's some in between period naughty joke for you all.

A well sophisticated looking lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.

The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high up.

"Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word Diwali."

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word Christmas."

The owner looks at her, "Ooh, lady, it is none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I have ever heard. 

Why in the world do you want to do that?" "Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there is never anything good to enjoy between Diwali and Christmas..."

Difference :)

Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.? 

A: E.T. eventually went home! 

Belly button!!

Q: Why was the blonde's bellybutton bruised?

A: Her husband was a blonde, too.

Volfgang!

An officer asks a lady, who came with a request for a financial support:

What are the names of your six kids?

Volfgang, Volfgang, Volfgang, Volfgang, Volfgang and Volfgang.

But how do you call them for dinner? 

Simply, I call only once – Volfgang!

But what if you want to call only one of them?

I call them by their last names.

Blonde Joke - Blinker :)

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. 

He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. 

She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…"

Problems!!

Husband: Honey, I have problems at work.

Wife: Not "I", but "we" have problems - since we are married, your problems are mine problems as well.

Husband: OK. Then I wanted to let you know that our office-girl got pregnant from us.

Cleaning -OL!!

​​Nobody cleans the house faster than a man, expecting to get laid.

Professor!!

Have you heard? Professor Mr. Smith from our apartment house is a gay!

Waw, what a surprise! I have been sleeping with him for half of a year, but never knew he was a professor..

Bungee jumping!!

Why having fun with a prostitute is like a bungee jumping?

You're dead, if the rubber breaks.

Magical!!

A guy walks into a bar after a long day of work. When he first entered the bar, he noticed a midget playing the piano. He thought it was a little odd, but he didn't pay the midget too much attention and he sat down and asked for a beer.

After a few beers the guy has to go to the bathroom. As he is taking a whizz, the urinal awakens.

"Hey! I'm a magic urinal!" The urinal says. "I can grant you one wish, anything you want!"

"Uhhhhhh…I wish for a million bucks!" The guy replies. The magic urinal grants the wish. The guy zips up his pants and heads back into the bar only to find ducks everywhere. And I mean everywhere.

He wades through the swarm of ducks and tells the bartender, "Hey, your magic urinal sucks! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The bartender replies, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

Finger!!

A young nun at a convent had one too many indiscretions, and turned up pregnant.

Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.

And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.

After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter.

Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.

At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap.

She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"

Hiring :)

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

The king was polite and considerate, he replied, "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."

So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions..........