Chinese!!

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men

Couple of stiff ones!!

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.'

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.

After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

Name !!

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen. What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

Finally together!!

She married and had 13 children.

Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Name !!

A guy is in the bathroom taking a piss when this huge man walks in and starts pissing in the urinal next to him.

The guy just happens to look over and see the other guy`s dick is huge.

Then he walks over and says, "Hey man I'm not gay or anything but what is your name? Because you have the biggest weenie I have ever seen!"

The big guy says, "Well thanks man. My name is Ben Rover."

Then the guy passes out.

When he wakes up he says, "Whats your name again"

"Well it's Ben Rover," the big guy says!

Oh what a relief I thought you said 'bend over'.

Private Property!

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says, "What is that for?"

The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."

Two Lips and Seven Kisses!!

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses."

She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company.

In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

Apologies!!

A woman with 14 children, ages one through 14, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.

"When did he desert you?" the judge asked.

"Thirteen years ago," she replied.

"If he left 13 years ago," asked the judge, "where did all the children come from?"

"Well," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry."

Massage!!

The Italian says, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says, That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with Ghee. I caressed her entire body, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal! How did you make her scream for two hours?"

The Indian replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains...!"

Lies :)

The school phoned me today and said: "Your son has been telling lies!"

I said: "Well tell him he's bloody good. I ain't got any Sons!"

Codewords!!

Ek Ladki Dukaan Pe Gayi Aur Dukandar Se Boli.

Ladki: "Ek 28 Number Ki Bra Dena"

Dukandar Ne Andar Apne Ek Naukar Ko Awaj Lagayi Aur Bola

Dukaandar: "Chote, Ek Baalgopal Laana"

Tabhi Ek Aunty Aayi Aur Boli.

Aunty: "Bhaiya, Mujhe 1 42 Number Bra Dena"

Dukaandaar: "Chotu, Sath Mein Ek Jhulelaal Bhi Lete Aana"

Logical and legal !!

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just couldn't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment) , all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor, and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student. "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither logical nor legal !!" 

Professor faints !!

City tour :)

My mother-in-law wanted to explore the city. So I took her Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors.

While we stopped to observe one of the creations, a supervisor yelled, "Can you please take her ahead sir, we are stocktaking."

Cowboy!!

Ted, an old cowboy was relaxing in a bar with a drink. While he sat there sipping his whiskey, a sexy young woman came and sat next to him.

She turned to Ted and asked "Tell me if you really are a cowboy?"

The old cowboy replied, "Well, I was raised on a ranch, grew up herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess that makes me a cowboy."

The woman said, "You know I am a lesbian. I spend my whole time thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, eat food, all I can think about is women."

A little while later, another guy sat next to our old cowboy, Ted and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

Ted replied with a sigh, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I am a lesbian."

Twins!!

Jeremy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a Jack Daniels...make it large."

"Celebrating something?" the bartender asks.

Jeremy replies, "I just became the father of twin boys."

"Wow!" exclaimed the bartender, "Your wife must be really excited!"

Jeremy empties the glass and says, "She will be the moment she finds out."

Lingo :)

There is a pair of Chartered Accountants who decide to tie the knot.

During the marriage ceremony, the wife vomits a few times. The Husband asks her what is wrong.

The wife replies in the CA"s Lingo - It's only a Capital gain arising out of a previous partnership.

Caught :)

In Lok Sabha, a Congress MP during his speech told a story.....

"There was a father who gave 100 rupees to each of his 3 sons and asked them to buy things and fill up a room completely.

First son bought hay for Rs. 100 but couldn't fill the room entirely.

Second son bought cotton for Rs. 100 but couldn't fill the room entirely.

Third son bought a candle for Rs. 1 and lit it up and the room was filled with light completely."

The MP added "Our Prime Minister is like the third son. From the day he has taken charge of his office, our country is filled with the bright light of prosperity"

A voice from the backbench asked "Where are the remaining Rs. 99??"

Approach!!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife and say, 'How about a BJ?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

Kaamwali!!

Santa har hafte KOTHE par ja kar bhav pata karta tha.

Banta:Jab tu kuch karta nahi to bhav kyo puchta hai?

Santa: Check karta hu ki kamwali mehengi to nahi pad rahi?

Funny but true :)

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning

Diya!!

Lady - pandit ji, Meri shadi ko 5 Sal ho gye,Mujhe baccha nahi hua..

Pandit - Me Badrinath ja kar tere naam ka diya jala dunga!

10 Saal bad.. PANDIT uske ghar aye,dehka 10 bacche the..

Pandit: badhai ho!! bachho ke papa kaha he?

Lady:wo Badrinath Ka diya bhujhane gaye hai

Talent!!!

In Order To Get Good Job In Good Company A Boy Require 100% Talent.

Where As Girls Require Only 4% Talent .. Remaining Is

36

24

 36

_____

 96 %

Blind Man :)

A Blind Man Was Walking Down The Street With His Dog.

They Stopped At The Corner To Wait For The Passing Traffic.

The Dog, At This Point, Started Pissing On The Mans Leg.

As The Dog Finished The Man Reached Into His Coat Pocket And Pulled Out A Doggie Treat And Started Waving It At The Dog.

A Passerby Saw All The Events Happening And Was Shocked.

He Approached The Blind Man And Asked How He Could Possibly Reward The Dog For Such A Nasty Deed.

The Blind Man Replied "Oh I'm Not Rewarding Him, I'm Just Trying To Find His Head So I Can Kick His Ass"

Logic :)

Ashok, a fresh computer graduate from a world-class University, goes for an interview in a software company.

The interviewer is Sunder, a grubby old man. And the first question he asks  Ashok is, `Are you good at logic?'

`Of course,' replies Ashok.

`Let me test you,' replies Sunder. `Two men come down a chimney. One comes  with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one would
 wash his face?'

Ashok stares at Sunder. `Is that a test in Logic?' Sunder nods.

`The one with the dirty face washes his face', Ashok answers wearily.

`Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and  thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the  dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face.'

`Hmm. I never thought of that," says Ashok. `Give me another test.'

Sunder holds up two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with  a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

`We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his  face.'

`Wrong. Each one washes one's face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and  thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face.  When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes one's face.'

`I didn't think of that!' says Ashok. `It's shocking to me that I could make an  error in logic. Test me again!'

Sunder holds up two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his
 face?'

`Each one washes his face.'

`Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and  thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one  with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face. So neither one washes his face.'

Ashok is desperate. `I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test!'

He groans when Sunder lifts his two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One  comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

`Neither one washes his face', Ashok replies, `I have learnt this logic.'

`Wrong, again. Do you now see, Ashok, why programming knowledge is  insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down
 the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see the flaw in the premise?'"

Secret :)

The Secret for a Successful Marriage Is:

"Work-Shop...!!"

The Husband Works

&

The Wife Shops.

Need!!

The woman was happily showing off her new mink coat.

"It was nice of your husband to buy you that fur coat," said her friend.

"He had to," replied the woman. "I caught him kissing the maid."

"How dreadful. Did you fire her?"

"No." She smiled. "I still need a new dress and purse."

Catching Fish :)

Neil was not having a good day fishing at the lake. Despite sitting in the blazing sun all day, he did not manage a single catch. On his way home, he stopped at the fish-market and asked for four rainbow trout.

He told the fishmonger, "Pick four big ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?" Asked the fishmonger.

"So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them." said Neil.

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon."

"Why's that?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That's what she'd like for supper tonight." replied the fishmonger with a grin

Irregularities !!

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."

Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you".

Tell me why :)

• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there floatation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Do you need a silencer if you're going to shoot a mime?
• Have you ever imagined the world with no hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?
• If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a cow laughs, would milk come out it's nose?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped the cat from a height, what would happen?
• If you're in a vehicle going at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• You know what to do when a label on a package says "Open Here." What is the protocol if the label says "Open Somewhere Else."?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
• Why can't they make the whole airplane out of the same material as the indestructible black box?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Depressed!!

A beautiful young woman was narrating her story to her psychiatrist.

She said, "You must help me doc. I have been dating so many young irresistible handsome guys, and I end up in bed with them. I come home feel depressed, guilty for the sake of my future unknown husband."

Psychiatrist, "So you want me to offer you ways to strengthen your will power, resistance, character, morality and ability to say no until you find your future husband."

The woman says, "Oh no, no, no Doctor, no, I want to you to guide and train me so I enjoy the experienced memories for long time."