Raisin bread!!!

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man entered the store. He glanced at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man said.

The shop assistant nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought. When she descended the ladder, he decided that he had better get two loaves, as he was "having company for dinner."

As the shop assistant retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on and requested his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she was tired and irritated and beginning to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looked down and glared at the men standing below. Then she noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she could save herself a trip, she yelled at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammered the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

You know what !!!

Aunt Rose was in the garden tending to her flowers when she got about to pee. So she did and wiped off the dew on a rose.

Uncle Fred came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then ran to phone the newspaper editor.

"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"

The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what that smells like a rose, call me again."

Downtown!!!

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff.... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ..'. And here I am."

Garlic!!!

Nadine and Jill were talking about their sex lives and Nadine said that her new boyfriend always wants to perform cunnilingus, all the time.

"Wow," said Jill, "You are really lucky, but if you want to prevent him from doing that, just rub a little garlic down there."

Nadine said, "I tried that already, and the next night he came to bed with some bread, olive oil, and a head of lettuce.

Leaky Pen!!!

Bucket!!!

Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?"

"Ask your mother," he replied.

"I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket."

"Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of it…"

Again!!!

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated.

An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

Flies :)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

Fight Again :)

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" I don't remember what happened next.

Honest & Generous :)

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

Fight -OL :)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Prepared :)

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

Man doesn't know :)

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her."

Dad: "That happens in every country, son!"

Candle!!!

A young nun new to the convent complained to the Mother Superior that she was suffering the pangs of lust.

"Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.

"I've tried that, but you get tired of the same old thing, wick in and wick out."

Finally a book for all MEN to understand WOMEN....

Handcuffs -OL :)

Wedding ring: the world's smallest handcuffs.

Experiment!!!

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had weenies 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around the weenie and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the weenie to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his weenie

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"No...it's turned black."

Bigamy -OL :)

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Dress :)

I told a guy, "Kids. Today the way they dress, you can't tell boys from girls. Why, look at that kid over there. What's that? A boy or a girl?"

He said, "That's a boy, that's my son."

I said, "Sure, you knew, you're his father."

He said, "I'm not his father, I'm his mother!"

For Sale!!!

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.

Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door.

Pointing to her tightly covered butt, he asked, "Is that for sale?"

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

Good News & Bad News :)

The doctor at a regional hospital tells his patient, "I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"

The patient asks for the bad news first. "I have the results of your examination of your injuries to both your feet and we're going to have to amputate right away."

"That's the bad news? How could there be good news?"

"See that man in the lobby? The seedy-looking fellow?"

"Yeah," says the patient. "What about him?"

The doctor looks at the patient with a grin, "He wants to buy your shoes!