New Year's Eve :)

On New Year's Eve, Peter was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.

As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.

'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Peter.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' inquired the constable sarcastically.

'I agree, but my wife will,' slurred Peter grimly.

two people in the same grave :)

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked: "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Futuristic Motel!!!

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later, he pulled his head out and looked in the mirror, and saw the best haircut of his life. "Would wonders never cease! This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read "Manicures $10."

"Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 Cents."

"Oh, man...do I ever need that!" He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.

Auction :)

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Sympathy :)

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"

Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Dark In Here!!!

A Woman Takes A Lover Home During The Day, While Her Husband Is At Work. She Don't Know That Her 9 Year Old Son Was Hiding In The Closet.

Her Husband Comes Home Unexpectedly, So She Puts The Lover In The Closet With The Little Boy.

The Little Boy Says: "Dark In Here"

The Man Says: "Yes It Is"

Boy: "I Have A Baseball"

Man: "That's Nice"

Boy: "Want To Buy It?"

Man: "No, Thanks"

Boy: "My Dad's Outside"

Man: "Ok, How Much?"

Boy: "$250"

In The Next Few Weeks, It Happens Again That The Boy And The Mom's Lover Are In The Closet Together.

Boy: "Dark In Here"

Man: "Yes, It Is"

Boy: "I Have A Baseball Glove"

The Lover, Remembering The Last Time, Asks The Boy: "O.K. How Much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Fine"

A Few Days Later, The Father Says To The Boy: "Grab Your Glove. Let's Go Outside And Toss The Baseball Back And Forth"

The Boy Says: "I Can't. I Sold Them"

The Father Asks: "How Much Did You Sell Them For?"

The Son Says: "$1,000"

The Father Says: "That's Terrible To Overcharge Your Friends Like That. That Is Way More Than Those Two Things Cost. I'm Going To Take You To Church And Make You Confess."

They Go To Church And The Father Makes The Little Boy Sit In The Confession Booth And He Closes The Door.

The Boy Says: "Dark In Here."

The Priest Says: "Heyy, Please Don't Start That Shit Again."

Spell Check :)

 

Girl in love - Boy in love :)

Girl 1: I'm in love
Girl 2 : Who is he
Girl 3: how does he look
Girl 4 : what is his color
Girl 5: how tall is he
Girl 6 : what is he doing
Girl 7 :who are his Friends
Girl 8 : how rich is he
After full inspection
All the girls:Be careful he might be a bad guy
Girl 1 : OK

Now same situation

Boy1 : I'm in love
Boy 2 : bhai party
Boy 3 : bhai party
Boy 4 : bhai party
Boy 5 : bhai party
Boy 6 : bhai party
Boy 7 : bhai party
Boy 8 : bhai party

Think Different :)

Difficult to achieve :)

Two things in life that are difficult to achieve:

1. To plant your idea in someone's head.
2. To plant someone's money in your own pocket.

The one who succeeds in the former- is a 'teacher'.

The one who succeeds in the latter- is a 'boss'.

The one who succeeds in both is a 'wife'.

The one who fails in both is a 'husband'!

Harassment !!!

Teacher Santa Se: "Use The Word Harassment In A Sentence"

Santa: "When I Was In School With Her, Her-Ass-Meant A Lot To Me

Men will be Men!!!

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

Heart Attack!!!

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Gynecologist !!!!

Once A Lady Met A Male Gynecologist In A Party And Asked.

Lady: "Doctor Do You Remember Me?"

Doctor Replied: "Sorry Mam, I Don't Remember Ladies By Their Faces."

Baba!!!

Santa Ke Pass 15 Inch Ka Bada Chota Aur Pyara Sa Goda (Horse) Thha.

Uske Khas Dost Banta Ne Usko Dekha Aur Puchha: "Yaar Itna Pyara Goda Kaha Se Liya?"

Santa: "Yaar Vo Udhar Jheel Ke Paas Ek Bade Pahunche Hue Baba Aaye Hai Aur Tapasya Kar Rahe Hai, Jo Maango De Dete Hai"

Banta: "Wah Yaar Ye To Bada Achha Hai, Main Bhi Jaake Kuch Mang Leta Hun"

Santa: "Par Yaar Ek Baat Ka Dhayan Rakhna, Unko Zara Ooncha Sunta Hai, Aur Vo Sirf Ek Hi Murad Puri Karte Hai"

Banta Ja Pahuncha Baba Ke Pas Aur Bola: "Baba Ji Mujhe Heerey Se Bhari Ek Bori De Do"

Baba Ne Apne Muh Mein Kuch Mantar Pade Aur Bori Aa Gayi, Aur Baba Fir Apni Tapasya Mein Leen Ho Gaye.

Banta Ne Khushi Khushi Bori Uthayi Aur Ghar Vapis Aa Gaya, Aake Jaisi Hi Usne Bori Kholi To Usmein Kheerey Thhe.

Vo Rota Hua Santa Ke Pass Gaya Aur Bola: "Yaar Badi Bakchodi Ho Gayi Mene Mange To Heere Thhe Par Ander Se Kheere Nikle"

Santa Rote Hue: "Bhonsdi Ke Tujhe Bola To Tha Ki Baba Ooncha Sunte Hai, Aur Tujhe Kya Lagta Hai Ki Maine 15 Inch Ka Goda Manga Hoga"

3 Good Manners!!

3 Good Manners Of Male Weenie:

1. Courteous - It Stands Before Performing.
2. Emotional - It Cries During The Performance.
3. Polite - It Bows Down After The Performance.

Songs!!

Song for weenie at different ages :-

• 18: Pehla Nasha
• 18-30: Dhoom Macha Le Dhoom
• 30-40: Kabhi Khusi Kabhi Gham
• 41-55: Kal Ho Na Ho
• 55+: Pappu Can't Dance Sala

Mahangayi Par Ek Sher

Hum To Tailor Ke Pas Silwane Jaya Karte Thhe Apni,

Par Aaj To Tailor Ne Hamari Hi Phaad Ke Rakh Di.

Presence of Mind!!!

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Little Brother!!!

A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom."

The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither."

The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."

Hasta... :)

Jo Aadmi hamesha hasta rehta hai usko "HUS-MUKH" kehte hain.

Ab sawaal yeh hai ki jiska hasna bilkul bandh ho gaya ho usko kya kehte hai - "HUS BAND".

Never Give Up :)

Confucius Reply!!!

Woman asks: If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 8 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?

Confucius replies:'It's very simple. When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock. But when one key can open 8 different locks, we call it a master key'.

Best Quotes!!!

Folding Chair & Woman – Both Useless If Legs Closed

Microwave & Girl – Both Get Hot In 15 Sec

Bra & Bar -  Men Go Crazy When They Are Open

Responsible :)

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Wanted to show you what it feels like.. :)

A wife was making a breakfast for her husband.
 
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
 
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
 
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
 
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Big Mouth!!!

A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him, "A sorority girl is running around campus telling people you have a small dick."

Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big mouth."

Screen Saver :)

Bill Gates met God, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?"

Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."

God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell."

"As you wish," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."

Interesting -OL :)

I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law" you get the words "Woman Hitler".

Soap Dispenser!!!

Two men are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

one says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three women heading his way....

Having no place to hide,  he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The women stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first one suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first woman"it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second one also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third one decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three  times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells....

"Holy crap. HAND LOTION TOO"

Big Feet!!!

A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya Ma'am. I'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Camel!!!

An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq. During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"

The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."

A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops his trousers and has it with the camel. He asks the soldier: "Is that how the men do it?"

"No sir, they usually ride it to the brothel!"

Family Planning!!!

Ek Aadmi Familly Planing Ke Liye Doctor Ke Clinic Pe Gaya.

Clinic Ke Bahar Ek Board Laga Thha Jispar Likha Thha

"Family Planning Ke Liye Kripya Piche Ka Rasta Istamal Kare"

Ye Padd Kar Vo Aadmi Ghar Aa Gaya Aur Vakiye Hi Ab Sab Kuch Control Mein Hai

7 dwarves !!!

7 dwarves went to meet the pope. "Go on Dopey, ask" chanted the other 6. "Ok" said Dopey, "Sir, are there nuns in Alaska?"

"Yes" said the pope.

"Go on Dopey, ask him" urged the other 6 dwarves. "Ok" said Dopey, "Sir, are there black nuns in Alaska?".

"Yes there are" said the pope.

"Go on Dopey, ask him" said the others. Dopey blushed and asked "Sir, are there midget nuns in Alaska?"

"No, i don't think so" said the pope.

All 6 of the other dwarves leapt up shouting "Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

Perfect Logic :)

This is a story which is perfectly logical  to all males:

A wife asks her husband,  "Could you please go shopping for me  and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why  did you  buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!) 

Confession!!!

An elderly man who lived on the outskirts of went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father....during World War II, a beautiful woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the soldiers. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

Ladies ke sath log kaise baat karte hai...

Petrol  Wala: Kitna Dalu ? 

Dhobi: Aap Kapde Nikal Ke Rakho, Mai  Abhi aata hoon....

Xerox Wala: Aage Piche dono Taraf Se Karu,  Ya Sirf  ek Side Se...

Fruit wala : Kele ka size to  dekho, dil khush ho jayega.....

Bank wala : So so ke du tu  chalega ?

Auto wala : Aage se nahi jayega, pichese lu ? 

Paper wala : Kal me neeche se dal ke gaya  tha..

Fumes!!!

The two ladies were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.

"Aren't you worried about your husband's new job at the gas station? Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."

"Doesn't matter." giggled the other lady. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."

Favorite animals!!!

What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

Lift!!!

Ek Ladka Car Mein Ja Raha Tha Usne Ek Ladki Ko Sadak Par Pedal Chalte Dekh Kar Car Rok Kar Pucha

Ladka: "Madam Kya Apko Lift Chahiye?"

Ladki: "Nahi! Please Main Teen Din Se Lift Hi Le Rahi Hun Aaj Mujhe Ghar Jane Do."

Bailout :)

It HURTS!!!

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

Normal Person :)

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Ugly Desperate Woman!!!

An Ugly Desperate Woman Went To A Priest Because No One Like Her.

Priest: "Only After Death All Men Will Be Yours."

She Went To Bridge And Jumped But She Fell On A Truck Full Of Bananas.

She Lost Senses And Was Unable To See.

She Touching Her Surrounding, Feeling All The Bananas She Smiled And Said:

"Gentlemen, One At A Time Please"

Intelligent :)

One man said to a friend: "You know, men with long hair always appear intelligent."

Friend: "Sure, but not always. One day my wife found a long hair on my jacket and I appeared quite foolish giving all sorts of explanations."

Happy Diwali!!!

As you reflect on the year gone by and think about the journey ahead
May the auspicious festival of lights illuminate you & your family
Happy Diwali!!!!

Kya Kam Karte Ho!!!!

Shadi Ke Liye Ladke Wale Ladki Ko Dekhne Gaye

Ladki Ki Maa Ne Ladke Se Pucha: "Beta Kya Kam Karte Ho?"

Ladka: "Ji Samsaj Seva Karta Hun"

Maa: "Matlab?"

Ladka: "Gire Hue Ko Uthata Hun, Bichde Hue Ko Milata Hun"

Maa: "Wo Kaisi?"

Ladka: "Bra Banata Hun"

Japan Vs Middle East

Guess!!!

Esi Konsi Cheez Hai Jo Woman Mein Aagey Hoti Hai Aur Cow Mein Pichhe

Socho

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Its "W"
W – Woman
Cow – W

Yaar Hamesha Hi Ulta Sochte Ho, Kabhi Kuch Acha Bhi To Soch Sakta Hai Na

Law Of Reverse Dynamics -OL!!!

When a man becomes Rich,he becomes Naughty & When A Woman becomes naughty, she becomes Rich.

How to save your Job :)

Reply by Amul to Shoaib Akhtar

Mind Game :)

Share it, if you like it

Apple Products :)

 

Share it, if you like it

Similarities !!!!

What are the similarities of BAR & BRA

1.  Both words have the same letters
2.  Both are drinking zones
3.  Both have restricted timing for opening & closing
4.  More importantly, both makes men crazy when open.

Washcloth!!!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped
in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'  I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor. EVER !!!!

Testifying!!

A woman is on the witness stand testifying:

"I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can... I...I don't even remember what happened next..."

The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!"

Dog & Telephone !!!

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

American Accent!!!

A Desi came to USA, settled with green card, got married from India, initiated the American life, bought a house and invited friends for the house warming party.

He was greeting all the incoming guests, introducing his wife, "LICK HER IN D FRONT & POKE HER AT D BACK."

So a friend approached his wife and wanted to know how he should carry our his host friend's wishes.

The wife got angry and said, he means, "LIQUOR IS IN THE FRONT & POKER IS AT THE BACK."

Construction workers!!!!

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says: "What the fuck is your problem! I said I needed a hand saw!"

The other guy says: "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Truth - OL!!!

Agar Abortion Karvana Murder Hai To, Condom Use Karna Kidnapping Hai

What does government want...!!!

Paneer : Rs 160 per kg

Petrol : Rs 75 per  ltr

Condoms : Only Rs 10 for 3pcs. 

What does government want from us? Not to eat, Not to roam and just....????

Golf !!!

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was uncomfortable with the women's type I had been playing with.

After turning for several minutes, a good looking gentleman working in the store approached me.

He asked if he could help me.

Without giving it a thought, I looked at him and said: "I think I like playing with men's balls!"

Positions!!!

Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."

The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?"

"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."

"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?"

"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing....

"I'm going to have a puppy!"

Peek!!!

A newly wed couple was on honeymoon and the two were virgins.

They were very nervous about the evening so they made each other promise not to peek.

The new husband got under the sheets and undressed while the new wife went to her suitcase to get her new lingerie.

When she opened her case, a sad look come upon her face and she said "Oh no, it's all pink and wrinkly''

The man shocked accused, "Hey! you peeked!'

Mechanic !!!

Ek Mechanic Ki Wife Ki Delivery Thhi Par Mechanic Ko Kisi Kaam Se Bahar Jana Pada

Wife Ki Delivery Hui To Usne Apne Husband Ko Ek SMS Bheja

Wife: "Mubarak Ho, Aapka Spare Part Aa Gaya Hai"

Mechanic Ne Reply Kiya: "Arrey Ye To Bata De, Natt Wala Hai Ya Bolt Wala?"

Quote !!!

The Ejaculation Is Achieved By The Last Stroke, This Doesn't Mean That First Stroke Was Useless.

Achievement Is A Result Of Continuous Effort.

Tit for Tat!!!!

Wife: "Suno Jee Mujhe New Bra Lene Hain"

Husband: "Kya Jarurat Hain Itne Chhote Chhote Toh Hain"

Wife: "Kal Aapne Underwear Liya Maine Kuch Kaha?"

Batteries!!!

A lady went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.

"To remove that vibrator'' said the doctor "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation''

"I don't think I can afford that'' said the lady.

"Could you just replace the Batteries".

Dentist!!!!

Dentist Was Removing A Tooth Of A Lady

Dentist: "Madam You Are Holding My Balls"

Lady: "I Know, Its Just To Remind You That We Are Not Going To Hurt Each Other"

Magic Wand!!!!

Fred had been divorced twice after his wives cheated on him, so he decided the only way to get a faithful wife was  to marry someone who knew nothing of sex.  He meant nothing!  He moved to the mountains & found himself a simple, innocent girl, & married her.

On their wedding night, he told her about his "magic wand", and how no one else in the entire world had one.  Sure enough,  she was enraptured with the "magic" feelings it brought her.   She & Fred were very happy.

But Fred needed to make a living, so he had to go out of town on a business trip.   His innocent wife knew only he had a "magic wand", so he left feeling safe.

When he got home, he could tell there was something different about his wife, she was ready to confront him.

"You told me you were the only man in the world with a magic wand," she said.

"Yes..." he started to answer.

"But I found out that Jerry has a magic wand too!" she said, clearly upset.

"Well yeah," he stammered. "Jerry is my best friend, and I had two magic wands, so I thought I should give him one of them."

With that, she burst in to tears.  "What's wrong?" Fred asked, perplexed.

"Well why," she said through her sobs, "did you have to give him the good one?!"

Handover - Takeover

Top Indian IT companies are popularly known as SWTICH (Satyam, Wipro, TCS, Infosys, CTS, and HCL). With Satyam debacle, now the name sounds little odd as it has changed into WITCH.

Out of the WITCH companies, Dallal Street was very happy with the performance of TCS and CTS over few quarter/yearly results. There is a mounting pressure on Infosys and Wipro to gear up else CTS is going to overtake them soon. Interestingly, over a year or so we have seen lot of changes in the management and re-organization in both these companies. When I was reading some of the articles on these changes, it reminded me of a management story.

With the changing market scenarios, stiff competition, and declining top and bottom line of the organization, the board has decided to replace the existing CEO to get a fresh perspective and thought leadership. A couple of weeks were given for handover and takeover. On the last day of the handover process, incumbent CEO gives the new CEO three sealed envelopes marked as 1, 2, 3 and asked him to open the envelopes in that order when he encounter a crisis to find a solution.

At the end of the first financial year, there is no improvement in the top or bottom line. In the panic situation CEO before the board meeting opens the first envelope. The letter inside the envelope says “Blame the Predecessor”. He goes to the board meeting and blames the predecessor for the complete mess and he is working on bringing it on track and gets away with this explanation.

About six months later, there is no change in the situation. The CEO opens the second envelope and the letter inside say “Restructure". CEO completely re-organize the business units, people and informs the board that he is getting right people in right place and aligning things that would help the organization to focus more on the customer needs.

At the end of the year, still there is no change in the situation. CEO opens the third envelope before the board meeting and the letter inside says “Prepare three envelopes".

Post re-shared from the blog -http://goo.gl/0dR7w

Sholay - Na Insaafi !!!

Sholay Film Mein Se Kaata Gaya Ek Dialog

Gabbar: "Goli 6 Or Aadmi 3, Bahut Na Insaafi Hai Re"

Sambha: "Ghanta Na Insaafi Hai, 3 Aadmio Ki 6 Goliya Hi To Hoti Hai Sardar"

Priceless!!!!

Baba Ek Din Mast Mood Mein Bethe Thhe To Unke Ek Ashiq Mijaj Bhakt Ne Pucha

Bhakt: "Baba Ji, Log Kahte Hai Ki Smile Priceless Hoti Hai, Iska Koi Example Dijiye Na"

Baba : "Dekh Bachha, Is Baat Ko Ese Samajh"

Apni Girl Friend Ke Sath Tu Movie Dekhne Gaya Aur 500 Ki Tickets Li

Fir Uske Saath Sara Din Car Pe Ghuma Aur 700 Ka Petrol Uda Diya

Phir Usko 5 Star Hotel Mein Le Gaya Aur Pahle 500 Rs Ki Coffe Pee Aur Fir 2000 Rs Ka Dinner Kiya.

Aur Usi Hotel Ke Bade Ache Se Room Jiska Rent 5000 Rs Hai Uske Ander Le Gaya.

Aur Girlfriend Ko Bed Pe Lita Ke Jaisi Hi Uski Jeans Khone Laga To Girlfriend Bole: "Nahi Aaj Mere Periods Hai"

Us Time Tu Usko Muskura Ke Dikhayega Aur Jo Tere Chehre Pe Muskaan Hogi Vo Priceless Hi Hogi

Men will be Men...

Bhagwan Sabse Jyada Dukhi Kab Hote Hai!!!

Jaisa Ki Kal Aapne Pada Ki Teacher Ke Puchne Pe Pappu Ne Bataya Ki Bhagwan Ji Kab Khush Hote Hai.

Teacher Is Jawab Ko Sunkar Khamosh Ho Gayi Aur Socha Ki Pappu Ka Dimag Jyada Hi Kharab Hai Ise Sabak Sikhaya Jaye

To Usne Pucha: "Chal Ab Ye Bata Ki Bhagwan Sabse Jyada Dukhi Kab Hote Hai?"

Pappu Bhi Apna Akhir Pappu Thha Usne Jawab Diya

Pappu: "Jab Koi Ladki Bina Shadi Kiye Pregnent Ho Jati Hai Tab Uski Maa Saara Iljam Bhagwan Ko Dete Hue Kahti Hai, Hey Bhagwan, Ye Tune Kya Kiya?"

Mindset..

Bhagwan Sabse Jyada Khush Kab Hote Honge!!!

Teacher Ne Class Mein Pappu (Pappu -apna Indian Little Johnny.) se poocha

Teacher: "Batao Pappu, Bhagwan Sabse Jyada Khush Kab Hote Honge?"

Pappu: "Ji Jab Ek Ladki Ka Rape Ho Raha Ho Aur Vo Chilla Rahi Ho, Please Mujhe Bhagwan Ke Liye Chhod Do"

Matlab!!!

Baba Se Ek Party Main Unke Ek Naye Naye Bane Bhakat Ne Puchha

Bhakt: "Baba Ji, Ye Sari Ladkiya Darling Darling Kyu Kahti Rahti Hai?"

Baba Ji: "Nadan Bachhe, Vo Jaan Bhuj Ke Esa Karti Hai Aur Angreji Word Use Karti Hai, Par Asal Mein Hindi Mein Uska Matlab Kuch Aur Hota Hai"

Bhakt Hairani Se: "Achhaaa, To Hindi Mein Matlab Kya Hota Hai?"

Baba Muskurate Hue: "Vo Kahna Chahti Hai Ki Dal Ling

Pulse!!!

Not all blondes are dumb :)

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt – though their cars are written off.

As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible both our cars are demolished but we're fine.

It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'

Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.

Snowstorm!!!

Why is a man like a snowstorm?

Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Father!!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and says: "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says,: "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies: "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says: "No, actually I'm your son's maths teacher!"

Operation!!!

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Sally replied, "That's me before the operation".

Dentist!!!

A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas.

The man objects again: "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says: "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"

Appointment - OL !!!

How do you cancel an at the sperm bank? Ring up and say you cannot cum.

Wedding anniversary :)

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry and told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, and it better be there!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.

Organ Replacement!!

Share it, if you like it

Lost in Surgery :)

Damn it Hurts :)

5 BIG Mistakes of Manmohan

Salesgirl !!!

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."

Three sisters!!!

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

Two Women!!!

Two women on the way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss. One wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other uses a wreath.

Their husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says: "I'd better watch my wife, she came home last night with no knickers!"

The other man says: "That's all, mine had a card wedged up her arse saying: we'll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station."

Something special!!!

The old couple had been married for 50 years. The wife wanted to do something special for the occasion so she suggested that they spend their anniversary at the same hotel that they honeymooned in 50 years earlier.

They checked in to the hotel and when they got to the room, the old man went straight over to the bed, sat down and started crying.

When the wife asked him what was the matter, he said: "It's my turn to cry because it's too big.."

Manhood!!!

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium,  and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

When the fly goes down...!!!

There was a fly looking at some food in a river. The fly thought, "If I go down, I can get the food!"

There was a fish looking at the fly. The fish thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can get the fly!"

There was a bear looking at the fish. The bear thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, and that fish comes up to get the fly, I can get the fish!"

There was a man looking at the bear. The man thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear gets the fish, I can shoot the bear!"

There was a mouse looking at the man. The mouse thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, and the man shoots the bear, I can get the man's sandwich!"

There was a cat looking at the mouse. The cat thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse gets the sandwich, I can get the mouse!"

So the fly goes down to get the food. The fish comes up and gets the fly. The bear swipes his mighty paw and gets the fish. The man shoots the bear. The mouse runs for the man's sandwich. The cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls in the river.

What's the moral of the story?

When the fly goes down, the pussy gets wet.

Idea!!!

Jenny's friend Debbie was at work complaining about a sore throat and laryngitis.

"When I have that I always give a blowie  to my husband and the next day I'm better, you should try it."

Next day Debbie comes in singing.

"How did it go?" enquires Jenny.

"Brilliant" says Debbie, "your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

Dog's Tail :)

A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?"

The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?"

The man replies, "My mother-in-law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"