Christmas Present!!

A Young man called Tony wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Tony got the knickers. Good old Tony sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Kate,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love..

Tony

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Little Johnny - Subject!!

Little Johnny came home after school: "Daddy, I have a bad grade in English language."

"Why?" asked his father.  

"Well, the teacher asked us the following question: "Mary entered the forest with John and came out of the forest with Mike. What is Mary?"

 "How come what Mary is? A whore, of course," said the father.  

"That's what I said, but the teacher answered Mary was a subject."

Big!!

​ A Nigerian man goes on blind date, picks up his date in a Hummer....to which she comments, "This car is Big! "

He replies, "Ah ma sista, everything in nigeria is big !!"

They get to a restaurant for dinner.....to which she says "mmmmmm this place is huge !"

He replies,"I already tod you ma sista, everything in Nigeria is big !!"

Later they head to his mansion...."wow" she says "your house is massive !"

"Yes ma sista I olready tod you everyting in Nigeria is big !!"

They get into foreplay, when she comments "mmmmmm your thing is gigantic !"

He chuckles and says "ahhhh ma sista I olready tod you everyting in Nigeria is big !!"

And as he enters her, he pauses for a moment, "...mmmmm ma sista are you also from Nigeria ?????

The Whole!

A lady was laying on the doctor's table, waiting for her annual pap test. The doctor came in, and as he was preparing himself, she mentioned that she had 6 kids.

He said, "Yeah, I can tell... you have the biggest box I have ever seen!"

She was offended as hell, and after she got home, she went into the bathroom, took the mirror off the wall, and laid it on the floor so she could have a look for herself. As she squatted over the mirror, her husband walked in and saw her.

When he asked her what she was doing, she said, "I am doing my exercises."

He responds with concern, "Well, be careful. You're about to fall into that huge hole in the floor!"

Report Card :)

Son asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?" 

His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?" 

Son replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."

Little Johnny - Old Man!!

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.  

The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor. 

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that. 

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."

Say!!

Q: What did the bra say to the hat?

A: "You go on ahead while I give these two a lift."

Little Johnny - Name!!

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school.  

When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher.  

Johnny sits down and the teacher says, "Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. 

Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter." Johnny started laughing.  

An hour later he forgot her name and said, "Your name has an r after the first letter is it Ms. Crunt?"

Doctor Visit!!

Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?

Because things were looking a little fuzzy.

Difference!!

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A: Woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.

Golfer!!

A man is participating in a golf tournament. He was left to golf with just his caddy. On his tee-off, the golfer's ball lands in a patch of buttercups. 

The caddy tells the golfer he can take the ball onto the course, and he won't take a one stroke penalty. However, the golfer refuses and takes the ball out of the buttercups and takes the stroke penalty.

Suddenly, Mother Nature appears.

"What you just did was amazing. I am so proud that you enjoy nature and all of its beauty. For your reward, I will give you a lifetime supply of butter."

"Thanks," says the man. "But where were you last week when my ball landed in the pussywillows?"

Crying :)

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.  

His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" 

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.  

"That's not so serious," soothed his mother.  

"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. 

Why didn't you just laugh?" 

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

Little Johnny - Bush!!

Johnny asked his mom how to deal with a girl at school who liked him a lot.  

His mom told him to find out how she really feels.  

Johnny asked how to do this and his mom told him to beat around the bush.  

Johnny then said, "what, just like you and dad do??"

Snatch!!

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that reads: "Cow For Sale -- $5,000."

He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth $5,000."

The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail and Harry sees that the cow has a snatch just like a woman.

Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth sh*t."

Tennis elbow!!

A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket.

"What is that?" she asks. He replies, "Those are my golf balls."

She says, "Is that like tennis elbow?"

Fiddle!!

​​A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. 

The two men were standing there talking when the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful she was. 

"How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?" 

"I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful." 

"I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle." 

"It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it. 

"Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours." Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. 

He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it. 

"He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the tits, He kissed me in the middle. He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fiddle."

Little Johnny - Gifts!!

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.  

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"  

"That's right!" shouted the little boy. 

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.  

She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"  

"That's right!" shouted the little girl. 

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny.  

The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.  

She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.  "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," Little Johnny answered.  

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. 

"Is it champagne?" she asked.  

"No," he answered.  

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"  

Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

Cheap Tiles!

An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Paddy! Paddy!"

Paddy came running in.

"Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"Ohhh nooo!" Paddy said and tried to pull her up. "You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus."

Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.

"Nope, I can't do it," Shamus said, "Let's try plan C."

"Plan C?" exclaimed Paddy. "What's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her."

"Oh okay," Paddy said. "While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits?" Shamus said. "Why would you do that? This is hardly the time."

Paddy replied, "Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace.

Cross-eyed Cow!!

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. 

He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. 

The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. 

The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. 

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. 

So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. 

The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. 

Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. 

The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

Little Johnny - Urinate!!

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and he really needed to go to the bathroom. 

He yelled, "Teacher, Teacher, I have to go pee pee!" The teacher replied,

"Now, Johnny, you should be old enough to know that this is not the proper word to use?"

"The correct word would be urinate." 

"Now Johnny, would you please use the word urinate in a sentence?"

Little Johnny thought for a moment then said:, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten!"

Thinking!!

My teacher said, "If you think about anything long enough, it gets easier." 

I said, "I don't know about that Miss".  

Last night I was thinking about you for a bit and it just got harder."

Farmer's Daughter

​​There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. 

As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. 

This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" 

The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" 

Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

Plastic Baggies!!

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. 

The store clerk asks the man, "What are you going to do with all of those?"

The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them, and now he shits in little plastic baggies!"

Little Johnny - Wish!!

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air. 

Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone." 

George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore." 

Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "

Janitor!!

A man wants to join the Big Dick Club, and heads down to the club to apply. 

The receptionist looks at him skeptically and asks him how large his dick is. "18 inches," he replies, proudly. 

To his surprise, the receptionist begins laughing uncontrollably, and the man leaves in shame. 

On the way out, he runs into the janitor, who asks him what's wrong. After he explains, he says to the man not to worry. 

"See that lump in my sock?" The man nods. "And I'm just the janitor."

Fairy Tales :)

"Mommy," Son asked, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?" 

"No, dear," she replied. "Sometimes they start with 'Darling, I'll be working late at the office tonight ...'"

Diseaes!!

​​A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.

The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."

The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."

He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."

Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"

Little Johnny- Misbehaved!!

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.  

Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. 

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

Blonde Joke - Counting!!

Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?

A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Black Condy!!

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks,

"Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here?"

"Sorry sir," the owner responds, "but, we're all full." 

"Aw, please I really need some poon tang!" 

And the owner answers, "Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condy." "Whatever," the man answers quickly and races upstairs. 

A few hours later the man comes down and says ''Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condy?" 

And the owner answers, "Respect for the dead".

Dentist!!

Monica is at the dentist. Half of her mouth is locked due to anesthesia, the dentist is intensively working. Monica's mobile phone starts ringing. 

Ignoring it four times, the dentist finally answers the phone pissed:

What's up?

What's up?,  some man asks.

Dentist:

Who are you?

I'm Monica's husband

Dentist: Listen, man, I'm about to finish, she will spit it out and will call you back!!!

Clearly Cheating!!

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.

Lorraine dies suddenly.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

5 minutes :)

Wife to her husband:

"I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"

Cheating!!

A woman was in bed with her husband's friend when the telephone rang.

After hanging up, she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

Budget!!

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Poster!!

Furious wife to her husband: I will hang a poster over our bed that you are stupid. Whole town will know this.

Bubba!!

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. 

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my weenie on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his weenie and whacked it three times on the bedpost. 

His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

Diwali & Christmas!!

Now that Diwali is over and we are waiting for next holiday break for Christmas here's some in between period naughty joke for you all.

A well sophisticated looking lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.

The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high up.

"Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word Diwali."

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word Christmas."

The owner looks at her, "Ooh, lady, it is none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I have ever heard. 

Why in the world do you want to do that?" "Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there is never anything good to enjoy between Diwali and Christmas..."

Difference :)

Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.? 

A: E.T. eventually went home! 

Belly button!!

Q: Why was the blonde's bellybutton bruised?

A: Her husband was a blonde, too.

Volfgang!

An officer asks a lady, who came with a request for a financial support:

What are the names of your six kids?

Volfgang, Volfgang, Volfgang, Volfgang, Volfgang and Volfgang.

But how do you call them for dinner? 

Simply, I call only once – Volfgang!

But what if you want to call only one of them?

I call them by their last names.

Blonde Joke - Blinker :)

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. 

He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. 

She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…"

Problems!!

Husband: Honey, I have problems at work.

Wife: Not "I", but "we" have problems - since we are married, your problems are mine problems as well.

Husband: OK. Then I wanted to let you know that our office-girl got pregnant from us.

Cleaning -OL!!

​​Nobody cleans the house faster than a man, expecting to get laid.

Professor!!

Have you heard? Professor Mr. Smith from our apartment house is a gay!

Waw, what a surprise! I have been sleeping with him for half of a year, but never knew he was a professor..

Bungee jumping!!

Why having fun with a prostitute is like a bungee jumping?

You're dead, if the rubber breaks.

Magical!!

A guy walks into a bar after a long day of work. When he first entered the bar, he noticed a midget playing the piano. He thought it was a little odd, but he didn't pay the midget too much attention and he sat down and asked for a beer.

After a few beers the guy has to go to the bathroom. As he is taking a whizz, the urinal awakens.

"Hey! I'm a magic urinal!" The urinal says. "I can grant you one wish, anything you want!"

"Uhhhhhh…I wish for a million bucks!" The guy replies. The magic urinal grants the wish. The guy zips up his pants and heads back into the bar only to find ducks everywhere. And I mean everywhere.

He wades through the swarm of ducks and tells the bartender, "Hey, your magic urinal sucks! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The bartender replies, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

Finger!!

A young nun at a convent had one too many indiscretions, and turned up pregnant.

Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.

And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.

After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter.

Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.

At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap.

She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"

Hiring :)

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

The king was polite and considerate, he replied, "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."

So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions..........

Hypocrite!!

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's Honey pot.

The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"

The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?"

Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it out of here!"

The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.

Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."

Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

Smoking!!

This guy came up to me while I was having a fag and said, "Don't you realize smoking causes cancer?" 

I said, "I ain't bothered." 

He said, "But you could die." 

I said, "You haven't met my wife, have you?" 

Wrong Pills!

A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the doctor had given her for a similar pain.

After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear.

He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened.

Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down!

Name Plates!

Three young women were hired by an insurance company on the same day.

A year later the boss said each of them was due for a promotion, and that each woman would get her own office with her name on the door.

One day one of the women came in and found to her surprise that the other women had already moved into their own offices.

Going to her boss's office, she asked when her own office would be provided.

He pulled back his chair from his desk and unzipped his fly.

"See this?" he asked, "This is quality, and in this company, quality goes in before the name goes on."

New Car!

I saw a guy from work today Pull up with his missus in his brand new car, "What do you think?" He said. "She's a beauty, isn't she?"

"Certainly is," I said enviously.

"Have a go if you want." He said.

"I couldn't do that," I replied, "I wouldn't feel right."

"Go on," he smiled as he got out. "I insist."

"Okay," I said as I rubbed my hands together and climbed in.

Two minutes later I jumped from the car nursing my cheek and holding my balls...

Turns out he was talking about the car, not his missus.

Cigar!!

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him, "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody?"

His customer answers in a slurred voice, "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my weenie."

"Oh come on," replies the bartender.

The customer then says, "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says, "Why this is just a cigar!"

The customer looks puzzled and says, "I have it here somewhere," and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says, "See that."

The bartender again inspects it closely and says, "You idiot, that's just another cigar."

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says, "Oh no, I must have smoked it!"

Driving :)

​​Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Cop!!

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Chair :)

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"

The Sensuous Wife!!

With a very seductive voice the wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No, said her husband."

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reach down in her cleavage and push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No, I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting It drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!," he said, becoming even more excited.

To which she replied, "Go look in the garage."

Cowboy!!

A cowboy from Montana and a cowboy from California are on a sheep drive. They have been out for weeks and have been pulling sheep out of the mud and working really hard. Eventually they come across a sheep with her head stuck in the fence.

They are both very lonely, so the cowboy from Montana says "I'm first!" and he drops his pants and mounts the sheep. When he is finished, he steps back, looks at the California cowboy, and says "You're next".

The California cowboy drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

Different Position!!

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.

A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.

The guy agrees and goes to the druggist to buy three Dramamine for his sea sickness problem, and three condys.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five- day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condys.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the druggist and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condys.

Finally, the druggist asks, "Listen buddy, it's none of my business, but if you get seasick on top of her, she's probably way too heavy to be on top of you, but you could try doggie style."

Sin of Lying :)

​​A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. 

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Last Name!!

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It"s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

"Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

"Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Torpedoes!!

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said, "Pardon," to her.

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me."

Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.

The next day she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

The next day the headline in the local newspaper said, "Chinese Waiter Crushed by Two Torpedoes!"

Kitty Green!!

An Irishman went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

"Father," he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I made love with Kitty Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional, "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've made love with Kitty Green twice a week for the past two months."

This time, the priest questioned, "Who is this Kitty Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

"Very well," sighed the priest, "go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Kitty Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

A Bit Nostalgic!!

Murphy met Sharon at his bar one night. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Murphy to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Murphy's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Murphy comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

Difference!!

What's the difference between a Lady in the church and lady in the bathtub?

One has Hope in her Soul and One has Soap in her Hole!

Old Slapper!!

Two 16 year old girls are at School.

One is really posh, while the other is a bit of a slapper.

The teacher asks the posh one to give her a sentence with the word 'improper' in it.

She replies in her posh accent, "My brother let off some wind at the dinner table, I thought that most improper."

The teacher then gives the same question to the slapper, who says, "Last night, my bloke was shagging me from behind, and when I felt his bollocks slapping against my arse, I knew he was inproper."

Caution :)

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.

Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.

Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.

Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.

and, most importantly:

Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

Stand in Line!!

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

Lickety split!!

An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first sales-woman she sees and asks: Escusa me, have you seen-a my-a Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman: Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?

"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?

The saleswoman answers: Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split.

To which the Italian woman answers: No, no, no, that's not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the boobs, but he no lickety split!

Exercise!!

How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini.

Divorced!!!

A couple had been divorced for about 6 months, but still remained good friends. This worked out pretty good since the both lived in the same apartment building. One day he slipped on the ice and broke his arm. Later he met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.

He responded, "Well yes, if it's not to much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"

She readily agreed and soon after she began washing him she saw a gradual erection began to appear. "Look John," she exclaimed happily "It still recognizes me!!!"

Common!!

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Parking ticket :)

Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...

So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...

But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...

Size!!

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside" she asked earnestly?

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet", counseled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit."

Dirty Joke!!

You wanna hear a dirty joke?

A boy in a white shirt fell in the mud.

You wanna hear a dirtier joke?

He got back up and fell back down.

You wanna hear a clean joke?

He took a bath with Bubbles.

You wanna hear the dirtiest joke so far?

Bubbles is the girl next door.

Drinks!!

After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said: What can I get you, gorgeous?

The woman, blushed and replied: If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please.

The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear: 

Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?

Virgin Wool!!!

Jeff beckoned to a salesman in the department store, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin that Eunice was admiring, and asked, "Excuse me young lady, how much is this dress?"

"That dress is Pound 799.95, Sir," sneered the rather snotty saleswoman.

"Pound 799.95? For Pound 99.95 I could get the same dress at the Bargain store downtown!"

"But sir," said the saleswoman, "You'll find that the dress downtown is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool."

Jeff says, "So? For Pound 800 I should care what the lambs do at night?"