Fact -OL!!

CLEAVAGE is like the Sun... You can LOOK, but you cannot STARE; unless you are wearing sunglasses!

Success -OL!!

Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got screwed to achieve it.

Dream!!

Santa to his wife, "I had a wet dream about you last night".
Jeeto: Awww, did you ?
Santa: Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing.

Weather!!

Bob, the pharmacist hired a new assistant, Jim. Bob told the new assistant to be polite to every customer that came into the store. Bob's advise was, "If you are unable to make small talk, just talk about the weather."

When Bob came back after having his meal, the assistant was sporting a black eye. "So much for your advice," moaned Jim, the assistant.

"What happened?" asked Bob.

"Well, this lady came in for a pack of sanitary napkins. Trying to make small talk, I said that it looked like it was going to be a dull weekend."

Difference !!

Justin: Can you distinguish between anxiety and panic?

Dick: You tell me.

Justin: Anxiety is the first time a guy can't get it up the second time. While Panic is the second time he can't get it up the first time.

Discussion :)

Bill and John were sitting in a bar discussing married life.

Bill says, "My wife has a solution for every problem."

John says, "You are lucky man. My wife has a Problem for every Solution!"

Cell Phone Etiquette!

After a very busy day, Peggy settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Manhattan for the 'burbs.

As the train rolled out of the station, one last passenger jumped on the train and got the last seat — right next to Peggy.

Naturally, he pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric! ... I'm on the train — yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting ... No, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life — yes, I'm sure, cross my heart," etc., etc.

It was nauseating. And no matter how much Peggy glared at him, cleared her throat, or otherwise tried to express her disapproval over his rudeness, he completely ignored her.

Fifteen minutes later, she got an idea. She leaned in close to him and said in her most sensual, pouty voice aimed right at his phone:

"Hey, Eric, sweetie! Turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Cast Away!!

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"

Poor Communication Skills!!

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.

"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

"Shit," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

No Kicking Please!!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Medical Tests!!

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello, Mrs. Smith, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Smith, this is Doctor James at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Smith arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Smith asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Smith.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Documentary !!

Tom: Did you hear about the new documentary they are making about Madonna?

Jerry : What's it called?

Tom : Missionary Position Impossible.

Trust your Husband!!

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Until she is totally exhausted.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello'?

Alternative Word -OL!!

What Is The Alternative Word For "Virgin" - "Center Fresh"

Confess!!

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes!, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess"

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

DOUGH!!

Mrs. Jones, the English teacher, announced in class, "Children, I am going to test your word spelling and understanding today. The first word is DOUGH. Sheila, can you tell the class please".

Sheila got up and said, "The spelling is D-O-U-G-H and Domino's makes pizza with dough."

The teacher applauded and said Rebecca you are next. Rebecca said, "D-O-U-G-H. My brother makes strange animal figures with my play dough."

Mrs. Jones said, "Good. Now Little Johnny you have been raising up your hand so much you go next."

Little Johnny jumped from his seat and said, "My mom says, my dad doesn't have enough DOUGH in him in bed and so she likes 'DILL DOUGH'"

Peeping Johnny!!

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th Grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Timmy ?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Paul ?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So, she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Great :)

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.