Stolen Idea :)

Samsung has stolen idea from Indian housewives, dint get it 

Samsung Galaxy S4 pauses the video if you look away, it's like your wife complaining

"TUMHARA DHYAAN KAHAN HAI?!" "

Different World :)

We are living in such a world, where artificial lemon flavor is used for welcome drink & Real lemon is used in finger bowl..!!"

Vastu Shastra :)

My wife is a strong believer of Vastu Shastra. 

Whenever we have a fight, she lifts any Vastu and uses it as a Shastra.

Expect the unexpected :)

When someone tells you to, "expect the unexpected", slap them in the face and ask them if they expected it..

Command :)

Wife:- Dear, this Computer is not working as per my command. .

Husband:- Darling..It's a Computer...Not a Husband...!!!

Powerful Words :)

The most powerful words other than "I Love You" are " Salary Is Credited."  and recently added to the list - "Made in China" 

Bank Balance :)

When my Bank Balance depresses me, I look at my email spam folder to check the million dollars i have won.

Blonde in Police Dept :)

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer : What's 2+2 ?

Blonde : Ummmmm... 4!

Officer : What's the square root of 100 ?

Blonde : Ummmm.... 10!

Officer : Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln ?

Blonde : Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer : Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case! "

Treatment :)

At the beginning, every wife treats her husband as GOD.. Later, somehow don't know why.. the alphabets get reversed.

Population!!

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

Tour of the heaven :)

And then there was this elderly couple who died. The couple was given a tour of the heaven, courtesy Saint Peter Himself.

There were all kinds of luxuries there in heaven - Grand villas, pools, gardens with exquisite flowers with exquisite smells and what not. The husband and wife were quite impressed. 

Finally Saint Peter said: "It is time I leave you two. By the way, there are bars and food courts everywhere. You can help yourselves without any hesitation, everything on the house." And he left.

The man said: "You and your diet, Maria. We could have been here eons ago if you had not insisted on those fat-free diets and regular exercises".

True MIL :)

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "This man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the true mother-in-law!"

Interested!!

A guy received a call from a girl in a Placement Agency saying, "Sir, I've got 2 openings. Would you be interested?"

Guy replied " Pagli, Yeh bhi koi poochne waali baat hai?"

Remote :)

A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.

He couldn't control his curiosity and asked "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today.. SO...

Rest :)

Natalie had three very active young sons and they were quite a handful. One summer evening she was playing cowboys and Indians with them in her front garden when one of the boys "shot" her and shouted "Bang! You're dead, Mum," so Natalie fell down.

Her next door neighbour had been watching all this and when Natalie didn't get up straight away, he ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbour bent over her, Natalie opened one eye and said to him, "Shhh. Please don't give me away, it's the only chance I've had to have a rest all day."

Impact!!

The impact of the word SALE on a female's brain is similar to what the word B()()BS has on a male's brain.

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..

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GRAB IT!

Time's Up!!!

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed, "Lissin a me... I wanna you to taka my chrome plated 38 calibre revolver so you always remember me."

The grandson smiles weakly and replies, "But Grandpa, I really donna lika guns. Howz about you leave me you ROLEX watch instead?"

Gasping for the air, the old man answers with snarl in his voice, "Shuddup and lissin! Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home, and maybe... a couple of bambinos."

After a slight pause to catch his breath, he continues, "Somma a day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man... Whaddya gonna do then... pointa to your ROLEX and say: Time's up?!?!"