Heavy Snow :)

Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband, Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. "Thank God you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this alarming sound coming under the van. For a minute I thought I was dragging you down the highway."

"And you didn't stop?"

Donate :)

I tell you, my wife and I, we think alike. I mean, she donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.

Five Management Lesson

Lesson  1  :     A priest offered a Nun a lift.  She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.  The priest nearly had an accident.  After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...  The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'  The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'  The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'  Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.  On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'  Moral of the story:    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.    ================================  Lesson  2  :    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'       'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..  'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'  Poof! She's gone.  'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in   Hawaii  , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'  Poof! He's gone.  'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'  Moral of the story:    Always let your boss have the first say.    ================================ Lesson  3    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.  A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.  Moral of the story:  To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.  ===============================  Lesson  4    A turkey was chatting with a bull.  'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy'       'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.  It's full of nutrients.'  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..  Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.  Moral of the story:    Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...    ===================== Lesson  5 A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.  While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!  He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.      Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.  Moral of the story:    (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.  (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Nothing Happening!!!

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says, "What are you doing?"

The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks, "And her what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

Marriage-OL :)

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Getting Old!!!!

Q: How do you know when your getting old?
A: You dreams are dry & you farts are wet.

Life after death :)

"Do you believe in life after death?" Thee Boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," The new employee replied.
"Well, then,that makes everything just fine," The boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your Grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!