Little Zachary :)

Little Zachary was doing quite badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special Learning Centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his maths.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Little Johnny!!!

"My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling his father.

"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised.

 "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire, pay attention in class and do your assignments and homework promptly."

"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue".

Swimming!!!!

Santa was teaching Preeto swimming.
After 2 hrs Preeto said: Tell me, will I really drown like a leaking boat if you take out your finger?

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

In Common!!!

Sex and shopping have one thing in common:
In both the cases men start sweating in 15 minutes and women want to go on and on and on and on!

Troubles -OL!!!

Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!

--
"Chance favors the prepared mind."

Common Facts ;)

Whats the difference between Hook in Cricket and Hook of Bra?

One sends ball out of the boundary and Other keeps balls within the boundary
--
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

Blind Man - OL!!!!

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? - It's not hard ;)

You Know what I'm doing....

Girl Friend ke saath,
Kamre ke andhar,
Table ke upar,
Batti ke neeche,
tacatac……….tacatac….
tacatac……….tacatac….

You know what I'm doing.....



























Stupid I am playing table tennis

--
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

Ya gotta laugh!!!!

Fantasy!!!

Every man believes every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While a recent sociological study verified this, what men don't realize is that, in women's' fantasies, one man cooks while the other cleans!

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

So is Life :)

The two men stood on the lonely lighthouse. Through the fog they could see a small boat making its way toward them, with a lonely occupant. Suddenly a squall lifted the craft and tossed the man into the water!

They sprang into action.

Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their way through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man. At last they got him aboard.

"It's a good thing you rescued me," the dripping man said gratefully. "I was coming out to see you about your income taxes."

Affairs :)

Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?" the other two men asked.
He replied, "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

Brick Test :)

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in The room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back After 6 hours and then analyze The situation.

1. If they are counting the Bricks.Put them in the accounts Department.
2. If they are recounting them..Put them in auditing ..
3. If they have messed up the Whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.
4. If they are arranging the Bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
5. If they are throwing the Bricks at each other. Put them in operations .
6. If they are sleeping. Put them in security.
7. If they have broken the bricks Into pieces. Put them in information Technology.
8. If they are sitting idle.Put them in human resources.
9. If they say they have tried Different combination's, yet Not a brick has Been moved. Put them in sales.
10. If they have already left for The day. Put them in marketing...
11. If they are staring out of the Window. Put them on strategic Planning..

And then last but not least. If they are talking to each Other and not a single brick has been Moved.

Congratulate them and put them In Top management

Advertisements!!!

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.
"No, no.....! Calm down," the man replies..... ... "This will say ADIDAS in a minute...... .....!!!"

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

Social security!!!!

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said 'Unbutton your shirt.'

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too.'

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

Exercise machine :)

Enticed by a television promotion, my wife ordered a popular exercise machine on a 30-day trial offer.

Two weeks later she decided not to buy it, and called UPS to arrange for pickup.

The next day the UPS driver arrived at our house. "Oh, no, not another one of these," he said. "All I've been doing is delivering these machines, then picking them up. The only person getting exercise from these things is me!"

Robbery :)

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. 

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. 

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. 

Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

Nuns :)

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more.

Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

Tit for Tat!!!!

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what young men and women do.

Abruptly, the girl stopped the man dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20."

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the man sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Necrophilia!!!!

A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia.

The judge said to the man, "In the 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
first of all, it's none of your damn business...
second of all, she was my wife...
and third of all, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way in bed!"

Drunken!!!

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming in there?
You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my balls

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You Idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"