The true job of a manager Options :)

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do. 

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day. The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. 

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. 

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?" 

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."

Sardarji Strikes Back :)

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Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".
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Sardar at bar in New York .
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"
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Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k.......but? ?
how much is DRIVING salary...?
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Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light  is not needed!!!
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A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"

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2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....
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A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father in the essay and>it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS, SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..
 ************ ********* ********* ********* ********              

ICICI Bank to deduct card dues of defaulters at source

Check out this new clause by ICICI, Source : http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/articleshow/4824271.cms?prtpage=1

NEW DELHI: In their constant pursuit of recovering dues from credit card customers, banks are empowering themselves with a tool that allows them to ask employers to deduct the outstanding amount from the salary. Employees who may have defaulted on payment, however, cannot object to this deduction of dues at source, according to the new clause introduced in the 'terms and conditions' by the country's largest private sector lender ICICI Bank and expected to be adopted by others as well.

Such deductions will be remitted to the bank and will continue till the entire dues are recovered. The amended 'terms and conditions' say that "no law or contract" governing either the card holder or employers prevents the bank from seeking such deduction and subsequent payment by the employer to the bank. When contacted, an ICICI Bank spokesperson confirmed the new clause. "This clause is applicable only for customers who default on their credit card payments. Prior notice has already been sent to all out customers to make them aware of this clause," the spokesperson said. "Only the defaulters in repayment need to be concerned and it is not of concern to regular customers," he added.

With this clause, ICICI Bank is now "entitled and authorised to contact and require the card holder's /card member's employers to make deduction/s from the salary/wages payable by the employer to the card holder/card member and to remit the same to ICICI Bank until all of the card holder/card member dues outstanding from the card holder/card member to ICICI Bank is/are completely discharged.

Besides, as per the new clause, it would be the bank which would decide upon the quantum of the deduction. "The deductions shall be of such amounts, and to such extent, as ICICI Bank may communicate to (and instruct) the card holder's /card member's employers," says the revised terms and conditions of the bank.

"The card holder/card member shall not have, or raise/ create any objections to such deductions. No law or contract governing the card holder/card member and/or the card holder's /card member's employer prevents or restricts in any manner the aforesaid right of ICICI Bank to require such deduction and payment by the card holder's /card member's employer to ICICI Bank," it adds. The revised credit card terms and conditions, after incorporating the new clause, have come into effect from July 23, 2009.

Hence proved :)

Printing mistake in Question paper : " Prove that 2/10=0.2 " is wrongly printed as " 2/10=2 "

One of a rocking students answered as below,

2 = TWO, 10 = TEN

TWO / TEN = WO / EN

W = 23, O = 15 (As alphabetic order)

E=5, N=14 (As alphabetic order)
  
W+O= 23+15 = 38
 
E+N= 5+14 = 19
    
So, 38 / 19 = 2

Hence proved :)

    

    

    

    

Sardar Interview!!!!

A Sardar after the interview :
"Everything went well till the time they asked me to show my testimonials.
I guess I showed them the wrong thing....

Which is worse?!!!!

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his weenie after his girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Which is worse?

Having your girlfriend find out you're married…

Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your weenie

Or finding out your weenie fits through your wedding ring?

Children Menu!!!!

The waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be expected while the guy was slowly going over the breakfast menu.

Being a smart ass, he said to the other guys in the booth, and loud enough for her to overhear, "I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in size for my own."

The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented, "In that case, maybe you should be looking at the children's menu.

NOT FOR CIRCULATION :)

I met my husband while I was working in a science library.

He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.

After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk.

I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer.

Finally, he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books.

"Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will have to do," and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read:

"NOT FOR CIRCULATION."

The Waitress!!!!

An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.

She is indignant.

The guy says, "Don't get excited. This is all in the Bible."

Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry.

The man explains, "It's in the Bible."

An hour later they're in the guy's hotel room and he suggests They undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful since it's in the Bible.

"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"

Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, "Thelma the waitress is a great lay."

Wild Party!!!!

Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night?"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party."

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."

Crutches!!!!

When Ralph first noticed that his weenie was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several months his weenie had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

For all those cricket lovers

Yorkshiremen are known for their devotion to cricket.
In fact, one day, an avid Yorkshire fan was asked, 'If your wife and
Geoff Boycott were in a house that was falling over a cliff, who would
you save?'
'Are you kidding?' was the reply. 'My wife's a lousy bat.

Drunk!!!!

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."

Bull frog!!!

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give BJ's!'

'BJ's!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true…no more BJ's for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook you're gone.'

Partition!!!!!

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he had to threaten the madam, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition!"

Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."  "I'll take you."

"Me? I'm 20 years older than most of the women here. Why don't you take one of those young, good looking ladies."  "I want you," the carpenter replied.

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt.
 
"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

Business Today :)

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower. The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit. The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.... .

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the World is doing business today.

Morality!!!

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

one hell of a mustache!!!!

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"

Midget!!!!!

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.

Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed three times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

Yard Work!!!!

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks.

He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

Admirals :)

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.

After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself.

With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals".

Modern Day Romance !!

 A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down...You're gonna love this ...
 
 









 
 
 
 

"You got Male!"

Wedding Anniversary :)

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary! '

The Priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'

Grandma and Grandpa!!!!

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told You each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Tiffin Service In Bangalore: Kerala Dabbawala

Guys staying in Bangalore may give it a try :) Kerala Dabbawala: Dabba Service From God's Own Country Ever wonder what happens to your senses when you're craving for home made food? A meal from KDB (Kerala Dabbawala) provides the unparalleled experience of enjoying Kerala cuisine.Our culinary creations are of highest quality and we cater to different occasions like parties, receptions, weddings and so forth.We deliver vegetarian and non-vegetarian meals in Dabbas(Tiffins) at rock bottom prices at your doorsteps,served hot. To know more, call us at 080-28439422 or 91-9241758031 or mail us at customercare@ keraladabbawala. com Visit us at: www.keraladabbawala.com

Asprin!!!

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."

"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavored, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."

"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"

"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.

The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?

Good time to wash !!!!

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his willy was as hard as a
rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous erection. "You see that thing, woman?"  he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

Request and Response!!!!!

Request:

I, the P Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: 
I do physical labour. 
I work at great depths. 
I plunge headfirst into everything I do. 
I do not get weekends or public holidays off. 
I work in a damp environment. 
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. 
I work in high temperatures. 
My work exposes me to contagious diseases. 

The Response:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: 

You do not work 8 hours straight. 
You fall asleep after brief work periods. 
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. 
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in  order to start working. 
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the  correct protective clothing. 
You will retire well before you are 65. 
You are unable to work double shifts. 
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.. 
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush
And to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were In bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
   ------------ --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started.....

Fact of Life!!!!!

There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

Watch the wall :)

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! They help him out and call an ambulance and in a medical miracle he lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.

Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"

Share it, if you like it....

20 years!!!!

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of
whiskey in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his whiskey.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns :)

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work in my Volvo 1800 leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila: An 1800 stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the in- take manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
-Walter

Share it, if you like it :)

Amul's Tribute to King of Pop - Michael Jackson

Nurses shouldn't laugh!!!!

"Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Fred declared.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Things went downhill from there.