Sausage Trick!

Duncan & Murphy wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them.

Murphy had an idea. He bought a large sausage. They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.

Murphy said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out."

They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub. They then went from pub to pub, had free drinks, and each & every time, they were thrown out. By the time they got to the 10th pub, Duncan said, "I can't do this anymore, I am drunk & my knees are killing me."

Murphy replied, "How do you think I feel... I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!!"

Getting Crabs!!

A man picks up a hooker and takes her back to his place. She informs him that her services will cost him a grand total of $5.

The man gladly hands over the money and they dance the horizontal mambo.

A few days later the man is visiting his doctor and discovers that he has crabs. The man storms out of the office to find the hooker. She's on the same street corner where he picked her up before.

He runs to her and screams,"You gave me crabs!"

She replies, "For five dollars what were you expecting lobster?"

HR-HIGH RISK :)

​After 2 years of selfless service, I realized that I had not been promoted, no salary increment, no commendation.

So I decided to walk up to my HR Manager. The manager looked at me, smiled and asked me to sit down saying: "My friend you have not worked here for even a single day."

I was shocked to hear this !!!, but the manager went on to explain, and here's the conversation that took place.

Manager: How many days are there in a year?

Me: 365 days and sometimes 366.

Manager: How many hours make up a day?

Me: 24 Hours.

Manager: How long do u work in a day?

Me: 10 am to 6 pm​​ (i.e 8 hours a day.)

Manager: So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Me: 8/24  i.e 1/3 (one third).

Manager: This is nice of you! what is 1/3rd of 366 days?

Me: 122 (1/3 x 366=122 days)

Manager: Do you come to work on weekends?

Me: No sir.

Manager: How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Me: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days.

Manager: Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days. how many days

do you now have?

Me: 18 days.

Manager: I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Me: 4 days.

Manager: Do you work on Republic Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: Do you come to work on Independence Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Me: 2 days Sir!

Manager: Do you come to work on New Years Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Me: 1 day sir!

Manager: Do you work on Diwali ?

Me: No Sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Me: None Sir!

Manager: So what are you claiming?

Me: I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that I was stealing company money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!! (HR-HIGH RISK.)

Banister!!

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Warming up your dinner."

Abstinence!!

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Dentist!!

A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.'' 

''You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."

Lawyer's Advise :)

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

Bathroom Anxieties!!

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.

"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

6.9

What is 6.9? 

A really great thing ruined by a damn period.

Coming Out of the Closet!!

I have always been embarrassed about my funny shaped weenie and it has always affected my love life so much so, I went to see a therapist about it.

At the end of the session I thanked him for his time and he replied, "It's always best to get these things out in the open."

A few hours later I was in a police cell thinking about what he said.

Maybe He didn't mean on the bus in front of school girls.

Fortune teller!!

Katy goes to the gypsy-woman to know about her future. 

The weird gypsy fortune-teller says to her, "You will become a widow very soon. Your husband will die a violent and horrifying death this year."

Katy goes numb for a while. Regaining her composure, she clears her throat and asks, "Will they take me in for the crime or will I be acquitted?" 

Embrace :)

The sweetest message -

Husband to wife : You should learn to embrace your mistakes…..

She hugged him tightly…

Alphabets!!!

​A guy told a girl that the weenie is the only thing you can describe using all 26 letters of the alphabet. 

A - admire it 

B -blow it 

C - cuddle it 

D - double it 

E -excite it 

F - fondle it 

G - grease it 

H - handle it 

I - increase it 

J - jiggle it 

K - kiss it 

L - love it 

M - moisturise it 

N - nurture it 

O - over stretch it 

P - pull it 

Q - quash it 

R - rub it 

S - stroke it 

T - toss it 

U - use it 

V - violate it 

W - wet it 

X - xamine it 

Z - zip it. 

​​

She asked "What about Y?" He replied "If you can do all then its Y - Yours!"

A Blonde's Cooking Diary!

Dear Diary,

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday: Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.

This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Good night Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.

Hate :)

​A husband told his wife, 

​ 

"NO , I don't hate your relatives at all

​ "​

. 

​ 

In fact, I like Your Mother In Law more than I like mine..