Thing of beauty

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he  gave me with it."

"Well,"  says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Shortcut

Two men were walking home after a Halloween Party late one night. They decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery to keep with the spirit of the spooky holiday.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. When they got closer, they saw that it was an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost!"
No answer from the old man.
"What are you doing working here so late at night?" the friend asked.
The old man just kept chiseling away.
"Hello?" the friend said. "Why are you chiseling that headstone?"
The old man finally mumbled, "Those darn fools misspelled my name!"

From Little Johny's American Cousin

A teacher asks her class "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on Little Ralphy. "None," he replies, "they will all fly away
with the first gunshot!"
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Ralphy says "I have a question for you."
"There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is
delicately licking the sides of the tripe scoop of ice cream. The second
is gobling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the
top of the Ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Ralphy replies "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

Nice Start

Hope you Like the cartoon :)

Nice Start

An Affair

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," one buddy told another.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So the guy went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that so many times and it never worked."