Walmart!!

A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he
asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to unzip his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to unzip his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said… "Cleanup, Register 5."

Drunkard!!

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out… "Holy shit! My girl- friend's gone, too!"

Jewelry!!!

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear…a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room…they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.)

That means the daddy puts his thing in the mommy's vagina.

 

That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but last night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's thing in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, dear.

Little Johnny...!!!

Little Johnny notices a friend has a new watch and is jealous. He
asks his mate how he got it.

"Easy," he says, " I waited till me sister and her feller were 'at it'
and then walked in. They bought me this watch to keep me quiet".

Little Johnny hasn't got a sister, but he waits till his brother has
his girlfriend round. When he thinks they are 'at it' he walks in.

"What do you want yer little sod!" asks his brother.

"I wanta watch" says Little Johnny.

"Well watch then," says his brother, "but just keep quiet."

Employee of the Year...award (B Careful)

How many of you are expecting employee of the year award in this
annual function?

Are you a dedicated employee?????????

A dedicated employee!

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 Employee of the month (enclosed)

This is the dedication level expected from all employees!! Wish you success!!

Fix It :)

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. 

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it is my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Missed a smile, click archive section for more reasons to smile ->>>>

A Dirty Mind!!!

:)

Anniversary Present

After many years, her original wedding band had become worn and thin, so she asked her husband to buy her a new ring as her anniversary present. But this time she asked him to buy her one with diamonds.

They went down to the jewelry store to pick one out. As they waited for the clerk, she said to her husband, "My eyes aren't as good as they used to be, so I'd really like
diamonds I can see."

Having overheard their conversation, a lady standing nearby remarked, "Sir, it would be cheaper if you bought her glasses."

Fireman!!!

A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for your-self these days?"

"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.

"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice,you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."

Christmas Party!!!

The chief of staff at the hospital remarked to the director of nursing that there seemed to be an awful lot of expectant nurses in their hospital. As they were walking down the hall,he was becoming more and more concerned about a possible staff shortage as everyone seemed pregnant. He began to ask the director when each pregnant nurse they passed was due. 

"When is she due?" 

"Some time in late September." 

"How about her?" 

"Late September." 

"And her?" 

"September." 

"My goodness!" exclaimed the chief of staff. "How about her?" 

"I have no idea, sir. Norma wasn't at last year's Christmas Party."

Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

woman happy

Heard from a friend that there are 70 ways to keep a woman happy
One is to take her shopping.
The rest is 69.

Three Women!!!

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman. He always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box.

TEST FOR THE DIRTY MINDED:

1) What is a 4-letter word that ends in "k" & means the same as intercourse?

2) What is it that a cow has 4 of & a woman has only 2 of?

3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about 6 inches long, has a head on it, & that women love so much that they often blow it?

4) What word starts with "f" & ends with "u-c-k"?

5) Name 5 words that are each 4 letters long, end in "u-n-t" one of which is a word for a woman?

6) What does a dog do that you can step into?

7) What 4 letter word begins with "f" & ends with "k", & if you can't get one you can use your hands?

What is hard, 6 inches long, has 2 nuts & can make a girl fat?

9) What 4 letter word ends in "i-t" & is found on the bottom of birdcages?

10) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men then on others; the pope doesn't use his; & a man gives it to his wife after they are married?

ANSWERS

1) TALK
2) LEGS
3) A 20 DOLLAR BILL
4) FIRETRUCK
5) BUNT, HUNT, RUNT, PUNT, AUNT
6) PANTS
7) FORK
ALMOND JOY CANDY BAR
9) GRIT
10) LAST NAME

Magic!!!

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"

She says, "What's that?"

He says, "We go to your house and make love, and then I disappear."

Don't be Nervous

This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me…
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…."

Little Johnny!!

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?"

Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"

His father says, "Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'

Office romance

After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance
blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other. One
day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to
consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very 'tight', and difficult to
'enter', but finally succeeds.
When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were a
virgin, I would have taken more time!"
To which Jane replies "If I'd have known you had more time, I would
have taken off my pantyhose!"

Three Women

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how
best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose
and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put
on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

Fireman

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks. From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way.When I say 'Bell 1′, I want you to strip naked. When I say 'Bell 2′, I want you to jump into bed. When I say 'Bell 3′, we're going to make love all night."

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love.

After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"

"What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.

"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"