Thank you!!!!!!

Q: What did the sign over the entrance door to Planned Parenthood say?

A: Thank you for not coming.

Local Vicar!!!

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen.

A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner.

The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.

"50 bucks" comes the reply.

"50 bucks?" says the vicar, startled.

"Yep, fifty bucks or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way.

The following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home.

He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"

"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies the vicar.

"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"

"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty bucks, actually"

"Fifty bucks? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."

Experience :)

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted:

"Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."

Good News :)

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

Meaningful Thought :)

A wise man once sat in the audience and cracked a joke all of them laughed like crazy, after a moment he cracked the same joke again & a little less people laughed this time.

He cracked the same one again & very few laughed this time.

When there was no laughter in the crowd then he smiled and said ''when you can't laugh on the same joke again & over again then why do you keep crying over the same thing over & over again''

FORGET THE PAST AND MOVE ON.

Perfect Woman!!!

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed. "

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.".

Tonsils!!!

A surgeon went to check on his very blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery.
She asked him, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Noise :)

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

Smart Doctor :)

An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful  mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:

"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."

The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:

"Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."

"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.

"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.

The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.

Never talk like that!!!

A guy came home from work, "Honey, where are you?"
"I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered.
"I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled.
"What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?"

--

If you do what you always did, you will get what you always got..

Cheating!!!

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?

Thanks
Jim

Muscular Man!!!

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal!
But I have a question, "why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in then woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"

"Keep going!" the bartender urged.

"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.

POOF!!!! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger. She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?'"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?'"

.....POOF!!!

"Why walk when you can fly"

From the Book "Why walk when you can fly"

Once there was a king who received a gift of two magnificent falcons from Arabia. They were peregrine falcons, the most beautiful birds he had ever seen. He gave the precious birds to his head falconer to be trained. Months passed and one day the head falconer informed the king that though one of the falcons was flying majestically, soaring high in the sky, the other bird had not moved from its branch since the day it had arrived.

The king summoned healers and sorcerers from all the land to tend to the falcon, but no one could make the bird fly. He presented the task to the member of his court, but the next day, the king saw through the palace window that the bird had still not moved from its perch.
 
Having tried everything else, the king thought to himself, "May be I need someone more familiar with the countryside to understand the nature of this problem."

So he cried out to his court, "Go and get a farmer."

In the morning, the king was thrilled to see the falcon soaring high above the palace gardens. He said to his court, "Bring me the doer of this miracle."

The court quickly located the farmer, who came and stood before the king. The king asked him, "How did you make the falcon fly?"

With his head bowed, the farmer said to the king, " It was very easy, your highness. I simply cut the branch where the bird was sitting."

We are all made to fly -- to realize our incredible potential as human beings. But at times we sit on our branches, clinging to the things that are familiar to us. The possibilities are endless, but for most of us, they remain undiscovered. We conform to the familiar, the comfortable, the mundane. So for the most part, our lives are mediocre instead of exciting, thrilling and fulfilling.

So let us learn to destroy the branch of fear we cling to and free ourselves to the glory of flight.

Blind Date!!!

John had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, would you object to me screwing your brains out?"

"That is something I have never done before," the date replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" John exclaimed.

"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

Missed it!!

A man walked into a Super store and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle 15." The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."

The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."

The woman said, "No, I'm here for haemorrhoid medicine."

The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"

--

If you do what you always did, you will get what you always got..

Taxi Driver!!!

A naked and drunken woman boards a taxi in Orlando East one night.

The driver keeps staring at the rear view mirror and does not start the taxi.

Woman: "Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"

Driver: "I'm not staring at you lady....!!!! I'm just wondering where you are keeping the money to pay me"

New injection!!!!

A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor.

The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly.

Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.

When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."

Cheating!!!

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says,
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says,
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condy in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.