Nevermind!!

Dr. Williams was sleeping soundly when the sound of the phone ringing roused him from his deep slumber. He picked up the phone and growled, "Who is this?"

It was Katie, a young mother, who pleaded on the phone, "We need you to come over urgently. My kid has swallowed a contraceptive."

Dr Williams mumbled, "Okay, I am on my way."

While he was getting dressed, he got another call from Katie. "Doc", she said sounding calm, "Never mind. My hubby found another one."

​Ultimate bargain :)

A Gujju calls a Dentist to inquire about the cost for tooth extraction.

Dentist : Rs 850 Sir.

Gujju : Rs 850!!! Too much! Don't you have anything cheaper?

Dentist : That's the normal charge, Sir.

Gujju : What if you don't use any anesthetic?

Dentist : That's unusual, Sir, but can be done and will cut the cost by Rs 400 .

Gujju : OK. And what if you deploy one of your trainee-dentists to do the extraction, without anesthetic?

Dentist : Well, I cannot guarantee professionalism and it also would be painful. But the price could drop down to Rs 150.

Gujju:  Hmm. What if you make it like a training-session, like one of your students does the extraction, while the other students watch and learn?

Dentist : It'll be good for the students but quite traumatic. And I can pay you Rs 200 for it.

Gujju : Now you're talking! OK, it's a deal. Can I confirm an appointment for my mother-in-law for tomorrow then?

SUV!!

​2 guys are talking....

1st guy: It is my 50th birthday today. My wife gifted me SUV !!!

2nd guy : SUV !!! Wow, which one ?

1st guy : Socks, Underwear & Viagra !!!!

Charges!!

Danny asked his lawyer friend, "How did that old tycoon get acquitted of molestation charges?"

The lawyer friend replied, "Huh, the evidence refused to stand up in court!"

Ladies On The Bus!!

A lady gets on a public bus. Without saying a word, she gestures to the bus driver by sticking her thumb on her nose and waving her fingers at the driver.

The driver acknowledges the lady, turns to her and uses both hands in the same type of gesture and waves all his fingers at her.

The woman holds her right arm out at the driver and chops at it a few times with her left hand.

Then the driver puts his left hand on his right bicep and jerks his right arm up in a fist at her.

The woman then cups both of her hands under her breasts and lifts gently.

So the driver places both of his hands at his crotch and gently lifts up.

Then the woman frowns, runs a finger up between her derriere, and gets off the bus.

There is another woman sitting in the front row of the bus who witnessed the whole exchange.

She speaks up, "That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen on a public bus! What the hell were you doing?"

"Listen lady," states the gruff bus driver, "the lady that got on the bus before was a deaf-mute.

She asked me if the bus went to 5th Street. I said no, we go to 10th Street. She asked if we make many stops. I told her that this was the express. She asked if we go by the dairy, and I told her we go by the ballpark. She said "Shit, I'm on the wrong bus!" and got off."

Project work :)

Looking at my son project work, his teacher commented, "Tell me, did your mother help you with the project work?"

He replied innocently, "No, she did not help me. She did it all by herself."

That's a Gimme !!

Three guys, Father, Son and Grandfather, go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, a gorgeous looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys, all stunned by her beauty, have no problem with this.

The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do; cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game."

The guys agree and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are strategically focused on her as her skirt rides up when she bends over to tee up the ball. She then proceeds to knock the ball right up the middle for about 275 yards. She continues to play a perfect round and pars every hole. They get to the 18th green and she has a 12-foot "bender' putt for par.

She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not coaching me on my game. I've never shot par before and I really want to make this putt, so I'm going to ask each of you for your advice. Whoever gives me the advice that helps me sink this putt will get a best 'HEAD' of his life."

The kid walks over, eyes the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt 6 inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left and fall right into the cup."

The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the kid, you need to aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left and drop right in."

The Grandpa looks at both of them, walks over and picks up the ball, dropping it into the cup.

He unzips his pants and says, "That's a Gimme!"

Soldiers Never Die...

​​One night the old soldier gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's ICU, tubes up his nose and down his throat, wires monitoring every function all around his head, with a hell of a pain over his left ear and a drop dead gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steadily into his eyes and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

He managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

Soldiers never die... they just fade away!

Thought for the Day!!

Orgasms are important...otherwise people wouldn't know when to stop screwing each other ...!!!

Making a baby!!

This is hilarious!

The Patel

'

s were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said,!

'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Patel quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my Gosh!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And! for more than three hours, too.”

“The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Patel fainted !

Exclusive Colony!!

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony...

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?'"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts... Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the Pound 500 membership fee."

"But, Sir,' she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 65 years old. I only get an erection once a month but I fart 35 times a day!"

Career in the city!!

Old Mrs. Arnfield living in the countryside in Essex, got a letter from Kate, her granddaughter. Kate had left the village and gone to Pillsbury to pursue a career. Not understanding anything written in the letter, Mrs. Arnfield ashed her husband, "Kate's got a job, she says she works for a..er...message parlor. What is a message parlor?"

Mr. Arnfield said, "Guess these city people leave messages there for family and friends. Did Kate say how much are they paying her?"

Mrs. Arnfield replied, "That part is most confusing. She writes she gets paid 25 Pounds for a hand-delivered message and 50 pounds if she blows it to them."

​​Height of recycling!!

Man giving used condos 2 his son to use as a balloon and after bursting giving to his daughter to use as hair band

Adventure!!

Andy and Wendy were both adventure junkies. So, on their wedding night, they decided to do something different. They went to a very old and historic graveyard to consummate their marriage. Thrilled and excited about doing it in a place like this, they had a good time. 

The next morning, Wendy complained of severe backache and Andy took her to a doctor. The doctor asked her to take off her clothes so he could give her a thorough examination. 

Once done, the doctor asked Wendy, "What is your age?"

"I am 31, but why did you ask?" replied Wendy.

The good doctor replied with an amused expression, "Your bum says you died in 1820!"

Solution :)

​A father left 17 Camels as an Asset for his Three Sons. When the Father passed away, his sons opened up the will.

The Will of the Father stated that the Eldest son should get Half of 17 Camels,

The Middle Son should be given 1/3rd of 17 Camels,

Youngest Son should be given 1/9th of the 17 Camels,

As it is not possible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the sons started to fight with each other.

So, they decided to go to a wise man.

The wise man listened patiently about the Will. The wise man, after giving this thought, brought one camel of his own & added the same to 17. That increased the total to 18 camels.

Now, he started reading the deceased father's will.

Half of 18 = 9. So he gave 9 camels to the eldest son.

1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave 6 camels to the middle son.

1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave 2 camels to the youngest son.

Now add this up: 9 + 6 + 2 = 17 & This leaves 1 camel,which the wise man took back.

MORAL: The attitude of negotiation & problem solving is to find the 18th camel i.e. the common ground. Once a person is able to find the common ground, the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times.

However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution. If we think that there is no solution, we won't be able to reach any!​​

The Threat!

Once upon a time there was a king who had a beautiful daughter. One day a young prince from a nearby kingdom came by for a visit. That night, after everyone had gone to bed, the prince snuck out of his room and entered the princess' room.

She said, "What are you doing in my room? Leave immediately or I will call my father!"

The Prince said, "Don't be frightened. I am not going to hurt you. You are so beautiful. I just want to kiss you and hold you."

He kissed her lips and here and there and everywhere. Soon he had gone where no man had gone before. Soon they were enthusiastically doing what comes natural. After he finished, he rolled over and relaxed.

She said, "Wow! That was fun. Let's do it again."

He climbed back in the saddle for seconds. Then again rolled over and relaxed.

She said, "That was so good. We have to do it again."

He wasn't very enthusiastic, but he did managed to rise again to the occasion. He then rolled over and again tried to relax.

She said, "Come on, let's do it again."

The prince said, "Leave me alone or I will call your father."

In the movie!!!

Having been out of work for a long time, Sam the pianist was thrilled to get a call from a film producer who offered him to play the background music for his movie.

Sam did his job, and was looking forward to the film's release. He called the producer to check when the movie would play at theaters. The producer, a man who used to wear a lot of gold ornaments, confessed to Sam that it was an adult movie and was due for release in about 3 weeks.

As soon as it was released, Sam bought a ticket to the first show. Too embarrassed to be see at a movie theater screening such movies, Sam wore a big hat and dark glasses before he entered the theater. He sat in the back row, next to a couple, who also appeared to be disguised.

The movie was outright vulgar involving people indulging in all sorts of sins, either in couples or in groups, some scenes even involved a horse.

Sam went red in the face with embarrassment and said to the couple sitting next to him, "I am here just to listen to the music."

"Really?" replied the guy. "We are here just to see our horse."

Biscuits & Doughnuts!

An admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The cook replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia."

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "Well that's very unhygienic!"

The cook shrugs and replies, "Well... if you feel that way Sir, I suggest you steer well clear of the donuts!"

Court-martial!!

A friend in the Air Force was facing a jury. There was a court-martial on him for chasing a young girl in the passageway of the hotel in which they were both putting up. It was observed that they were both not wearing any clothes at that time. Among other charges, one was that he was out of uniform.

He had a smart lawyer defending him. The lawyer argued that he was not out of uniform since the rules said: "An Air Force officer is required to be appropriately dressed for the action in which he is engaged." 

The lawyer got him acquitted!

Coward!!

Wimmy and Marty were having an argument about their fathers. Each thought that his father is a bigger coward.

Timmy said, "You know when lightening strikes, my daddy hides behind the curtains."

Marty said, "Big deal! Wait till you hear about my daddy. When my mom works night-shifts, my dad is so scared that he sleeps with Mrs. Smith next door!"

Hypnosis Success

A Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:

I do not have a headache;

I do not have a headache;

I do not have a headache.'

It worked! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:

"She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!"

Perfect Match :)

Victor liked Petra ever since he had first seen her. He wanted to tell her how much he cared for her and wanted to spend the rest of his wife with her, but could not muster enough courage to share his feelings. One day he made up his mind to speak to her. 

Having found the opportunity to talk to Petra, Victor said, "I have always loved being a bachelor, but in every man's life, there comes a time when he wants to settle down, when he looks for a companion who considers him perfect, who is always happy to see him, who treats him like a star, who will always be faithful to him, who will always follow him...."

Victor was happy to see Petra's face light up. She nodded her head and said, "I can understand your feelings...a dog will be the perfect match for you."

Classical!!

Wife: Whenever I sing classical why do you go and stand in the balcony.

Husband: To ensure that our neighbors don't think I'm screwing you forcefully!

Anniversary Gifts!!

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What did you get your wife this year?"

"I got her a Mercedes and a huge diamond ring," he replies.

"Why did you get her both?" the poor man asks.

"If she doesn't like the ring, she can still enjoy the Mercedes when she returns the ring," the rich man replies.

"What did you get your wife?" the rich man inquires.

"A pair of slippers and a dildo," the poor man replies.

"Why did you get her that?" the rich man asks. "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go screw herself!"

Too Late to Hurry!

The four newlyweds spent their honeymoon at the Niagara Falls. They occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were inseparable.

One evening after dinner as they were returning to their rooms, there was lightning and the lights went off. It was pitch dark, and groping their way they made it to their rooms, and quietly undressed.

Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he completed his prayer, the lights came on and that's when he saw that he was with his friend's wife. He jumped up and dashed for the door.

"Too late to hurry now," said the girl, "Joe never prays!"

Sniffer Dog!!!

Police officer George and woman Police officer Mary and their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time then Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning, I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable. We have to go back to the station to get them."

"We don't have to go back," George replied. "Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he'll go fetch them for you."

Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station house.

Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit and the superintendent's balls in his mouth!

Advertisement!!

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:

This bloke should have gotten a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

Interested? Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;

Still interested? Call me at.......

Little Johnny - Intercourse!!!

Johnny was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids,when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.

"Well, dear, it's called intercourse."

"Oh," Little Johnny said, "OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

Smart Answer :)

She: "Are you listening to me? 

He: "Yes." 

She: "What did I just say?" 

He: "Are you listening to me?"

Home for Lunch!!

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".

The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black weenie, but the man in the middle had a very pink weenie.

The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion.

"Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink weenie?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."

Coordination!!

Why is it good for young boys to read Playboy?

It improves hand-eye coordination!

Similarity :)

There is a similarity between Temples and stock markets. People enter both of them with lots of Hope and finally end up donating their money

The Secretary!

The directors of the company were called in to a chairman's office one by one until only the Company Secretary was left sitting nervously outside.

Finally, it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the other eight directors seated solemnly around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to the company secretary and asked, "Have you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?"

"No, certainly not."

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.

"Absolutely! I've never laid a finger on her."

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never slept with your secretary."

"Great !! Then you fire her......!"

Golf Lessons!

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.

She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead."

Regular :)

Jack Rogers was tired of his workplace and was looking for a new job. He tried hard to shake off his image as a person who was not sincere to his work. But the harder he tried, the more it kept following him.

One day while in office, the phone was ringing, and because the receptionist was not around, he picked up the phone.

"Hello", said the caller, "I want to make an inquiry about a person called Jack Rogers. This is with regards to an opening in my company. Do you know this man?"

Smiling to himself, Jack replied, "Yes of course I know him."

The caller asked, "Is he regular with his work? Is he punctual?"

Jack replied with all honesty, "Well, I am not too regular myself, but whenever I am here, he is here."

How did this happen!!

The family doctor, Dr. William asked the pregnant teen, "How did this happen?"

Tina replied, "Well, my parents had gone for a movie, that's when my friend Jack came home and one thing led to another."

Dr. William scolded her saying, "Why didn't you go with your parents for the movie?"

Tina replied, "It was an adult movie."

2 types!!

Girls are of two types:

1. Boring

2. Interesting

Boring are the ones who use umbrella even in sunlight;

And Interesting are the ones who forget Umbrella at home during rain!

Imagination!!

A lady rebels at a man, who is immodestly staring at her in a bus: Mister, you are staring at me as if you were undressing me in your imagination.

Man: Excuse me, lady! In my imagination, I have already dressed you up and had a smoke myself!

What happens if you open your email after many days

I Opened My Email Account after 10 days

15 banks are giving me  easy loans.

I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for UNKNOWN reasons.

10 Job companies have best jobs for me.

5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me. I am married.

Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall & greying.

3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.

Approximate 200 mails from Aparna, Priya, Payal, Pooja & Neha who are feeling lonely and want to meet me.

I am feeling so blessed.......:)

Beer-belly!!

I was at the pub last night having a good time when this over-smart guy, pointing at my big beer-belly commented, "Foster's or Heineken?"

I said to him, "I have a tap below, if you are thirsty, you are welcome to taste it and find out for yourself."

Changing Times!!

The Changing Times:

1970 - 1985 = Sunny means Gavaskar

1985 - 2010 = Sunny means Deol

2010 - Current = Sunny means Leone

Kaam Teeno ka Thukai ka hi hai!

Secret Agent!!!

A foreign diplomat was sitting beside a very beautiful blonde who possessed all the social graces.

During the course of the dinner, he put his hand under the table and started to feel her ankle. She gave him a brilliant smile.

Encouraged, he went a little further and reached the calf of her leg with the same results. The lady smiled and he, becoming emboldened with this encouragement, went above the knees.

Very soon, giving the diplomat a lovely smile she leaned and whispered in his ear, "When you get far enough to discover that I'm a man, don't change the expression on your face - I'm Secret Agent No. 13."

The Girlfriend!!!

I got chatting with a girl in a bar, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends".

""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out."

Gift From God!

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay cheque.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

After much yelling about the preacher's children costing the church so much, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God."

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear raincoats."

The congregation said: "Amen!!!"

Twice a Week!

There's a few men who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink. One Friday, Banta showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp.

Then he turned to Santa and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it."

At which point Santa put his hand on Banta's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together."

Cooking Socks!!!

I woke up this morning and went to the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.

I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself , "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

Belt!!

​A guy picks up a girl for a date. 

Guy: why are you wearing your belt around your knee? 

Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.

Dirty Mind!!

​Girl: What do you like in me?

Boy: Those two balls having black dots in center.

Girl: You rascal are you with me for that?

Boy: Yes, I like your eyes

Midnight hot!!

​After 1st night. 

Husband: Dear what do you think about our first night? 

Wife:Darling 5% pain, 5% enjoyment and 90% old memories.

Time to leave!!

Lily, a charming girl, was appointed personal secretary to Dean, a highly placed and dashing company executive. 

As the first day of her job came to closing hour, the office staff began to leave one by one. 

Only a peon was left. Lily, being Dean's personal secretary could not leave until her boss said so. Finally, Dean called Lily to his cabin and asked, "I suppose you know what time you should leave office?"

Lily answered, "Oh yes sir, not until somebody knocks on the cabin door."

Best example!!

Mehnat Itni Khamoshi se Karo ke Safalta Shor Machade.

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Pregnancy is one of the best examples!

I am Coming!!

This NRI Gujarati guy from Halifax in Canada gets married back home to a beautiful, voluptuous, village belle from Navsari, the best of the lot in the whole of Gujarat.

Wedding night, big night, man is bloody impatient to get into action. Finally the big moment arrives and they leave the couple alone in the bed room.

He strips, tears her clothes off... and after 10 minutes of wild action he hears his wife sneeze, which puts him off gear. Disappointed, he gets off, and quietly goes off to sleep.

The next day, he pardons his wife for her untimely behavior, and again starts looking forward to the night. But again in the night after 10 mins, the wife starts sneezing. The husband is quite put off and again turns over and goes to sleep.

The next day he confides in his doctor & invites him to actually witness the sad debacle. So in the night, the doctor is hiding behind the curtain when the husband begins his act.

Sure enough, after 10 mins, the wife starts sneezing.

The Canadian Gujju husband immediately gets up and approaches the doctor, "See, what did I tell you!"

The doctor, takes off his shoe & starts hammering the Canadian Guju. The husband is quite perturbed, and asks the doctor the meaning of all this. 

The doctor tells him, "Arey gadheda, kya Canada ja kar Gujerati bhool gaya? She is not sneezing, you idiot, she is saying awuchu...., awuchu.... (I am Coming, Coming)"

Fountain!!

Pete was so drunk, he started peeing into a fountain in the garden.

A cop who saw this, ran towards him and shouted, "What is going on here?? There's a public toilet just across the road."

Pete, in his inebriated condition, snapped back, "Waddya think I got here, a garden hose?"

Grandma in court :)

​​​Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer!

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a  big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate  people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a  big shot when you have​​n't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know  you.."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster He's lazy, bigoted, and has a  drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone  and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to  mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of  them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."  

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet  voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me,  I'll send you to jail for contempt of court"

Sausage Trick!

Duncan & Murphy wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them.

Murphy had an idea. He bought a large sausage. They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.

Murphy said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out."

They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub. They then went from pub to pub, had free drinks, and each & every time, they were thrown out. By the time they got to the 10th pub, Duncan said, "I can't do this anymore, I am drunk & my knees are killing me."

Murphy replied, "How do you think I feel... I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!!"

Getting Crabs!!

A man picks up a hooker and takes her back to his place. She informs him that her services will cost him a grand total of $5.

The man gladly hands over the money and they dance the horizontal mambo.

A few days later the man is visiting his doctor and discovers that he has crabs. The man storms out of the office to find the hooker. She's on the same street corner where he picked her up before.

He runs to her and screams,"You gave me crabs!"

She replies, "For five dollars what were you expecting lobster?"

HR-HIGH RISK :)

​After 2 years of selfless service, I realized that I had not been promoted, no salary increment, no commendation.

So I decided to walk up to my HR Manager. The manager looked at me, smiled and asked me to sit down saying: "My friend you have not worked here for even a single day."

I was shocked to hear this !!!, but the manager went on to explain, and here's the conversation that took place.

Manager: How many days are there in a year?

Me: 365 days and sometimes 366.

Manager: How many hours make up a day?

Me: 24 Hours.

Manager: How long do u work in a day?

Me: 10 am to 6 pm​​ (i.e 8 hours a day.)

Manager: So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Me: 8/24  i.e 1/3 (one third).

Manager: This is nice of you! what is 1/3rd of 366 days?

Me: 122 (1/3 x 366=122 days)

Manager: Do you come to work on weekends?

Me: No sir.

Manager: How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Me: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days.

Manager: Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days. how many days

do you now have?

Me: 18 days.

Manager: I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Me: 4 days.

Manager: Do you work on Republic Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: Do you come to work on Independence Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Me: 2 days Sir!

Manager: Do you come to work on New Years Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Me: 1 day sir!

Manager: Do you work on Diwali ?

Me: No Sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Me: None Sir!

Manager: So what are you claiming?

Me: I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that I was stealing company money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!! (HR-HIGH RISK.)

Banister!!

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Warming up your dinner."

Abstinence!!

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Dentist!!

A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.'' 

''You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."

Lawyer's Advise :)

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

Bathroom Anxieties!!

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.

"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

6.9

What is 6.9? 

A really great thing ruined by a damn period.

Coming Out of the Closet!!

I have always been embarrassed about my funny shaped weenie and it has always affected my love life so much so, I went to see a therapist about it.

At the end of the session I thanked him for his time and he replied, "It's always best to get these things out in the open."

A few hours later I was in a police cell thinking about what he said.

Maybe He didn't mean on the bus in front of school girls.