Choose wisely :)

A married man has only two options either he can win an argument or he can have good tasty food. Choose wisely

Happy Ugadi

Cleanse my Sins!!

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven Lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your Face."

Maid for each other -OL :)

She does the dishes and I do jhaadu-pochha. We are maid-for-each-other

Dating!!

Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally consented to going out on a date with Smith, the gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.

Smith picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot. Smith also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.

Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed, "I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

Smith said "What do you mean TWICE? We only did it once."

Sadie looked at Smith and said, "Well..., you're going to do it again, aren't you?"

Secret formula :)

Secret formula for married couples...

"Love One Another"

And if it doesn't work, bring the last word in the middle.!!

Rainbow!!

A guy who went into the adult section of a department store to buy condys.

The female clerk told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on sale today, would you like those?"

The guy said, "Good, I'll take a box."

A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw that this same female clerk was transferred into the maternity section.

The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse."

The clerk asked, "What bust?"

To which he replied, "One of the goddamm blue ones!"

Little Johnny - Fascinate!!

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see RockCity and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

Mistake :)

Wife to Husband: "Should we have Tandoori Chicken to celebrate our Wedding Anniversary?

Husband:"Why punish the poor chicken for my mistake...?

Irony!!

Irony - Little girls wants barbie dolls and little boys want big cars.

After growing up big girls want big cars and big boys want barbie gals

Corporate World :)

3 signs which shows that the person is working in the Corporate World 

1. Stressed 

2. Depressed 

3. but still well dressed

Opportunity!!

Sometimes an opportunity knocks on the door. And at other times, knock on the door spoils an opportunity!

Evidence :)

A man is giving evidence in court and the defendant's barrister asks him 

"How far from the accident were you when it happened?"

He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"

"Nonsense how can you be so precise"

"Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it."

Sarcasm!!

Dorris and her nine-year-old son, John were seated in a cab in London.

It was a rainy evening and all the ladies of the night were standing in a dark alley.

John asked his mother, "What are all those women doing?"

Dorris replied, "They are waiting for their husbands to get off work and pick them up" 

The cab driver turned around and said, "C'mon ma'am, he is old enough to learn about the ways of the world. Why don't you tell him the truth?" Then he went on to say, "They are h**kers, boy! They sleep with men for money."

Little John's eyes went wide and he asked, "Is that true, Mother?"

Dorris, glaring hard at the cab driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, John asked, "Mother, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Many of them become taxi drivers" Dorris replied quickly

Cheated!!

An HR manager got married .

On the first night of their honey moon, on seeing his wife nude for the first time, he was furious: You have cheated me!" 

The astounded but smart bride asks :  How have I cheated you? 

The HR man shouts: Your Boobs are so small. I definitely remember noticing their size when I met you at the engagement they appeared to be much bigger.

The hi-tech bride replies, "Honey,  what you saw and agreed upon was the  CTC Package,but this is what you get in hand..!!"

Diamonds :)

Wife: "If you are buying something for my birthday, make sure it has diamonds."

"Smart" Husband: Bought a pack of playing cards.

Miss each other!!

True factor of boys and girls explained, when they miss each other.

When a girl misses her love …… her heart pain.

But when a guy misses his love …… his hands pain.

Passport!!

Why was Santa's Passport form rejected..?

Because He had written Place Of Birth as "Between Two Legs"

This is not fare!!

My girlfriend was saying: "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?"

I replied: "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

Days of Week -OL :)

Anger, Frustration, Depression, Acceptance, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Affair With Married Women!!

Having An Affair With Married Women Has 5 Best Advantages

1. They Give Like Hell.

2. They Do Not Yell.

3. They Do Not Tell.

4. They Do Not Swell.

5. There's No Wedding Bell.

Frozen skunk !

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she says.

"Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there"

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover; but the Frozen skunk she used to beat him with, died at the scene.

License :)

Wife: When will women get a license to kill?

Husband: But you already have your driver's license.

Service Charges!!

A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.

Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one-hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."

Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what my father charges for Elmer."

Good News and bad news :)

Wife to husband on the phone,

Wife: "Hey baby, how are you doing?"

Husband: "Listen, I am really busy, don't have time to talk at all"

Wife: "well baby, I have a good news and bad news for you. You want to hear them?"

Husband: "just tell me the good news; I don't have time for the bad!"

Wife: "okay, good news is the air bags of our new BMW work absolutely fine"

Book Review!

Students at a school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99

Clinton: Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read,

Clinton: Over 3 hours to read.

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

Thin Line!!

There is a thin line between "love at first sight" and "lust at first sight" and the line is called a Cleavage!

Conference call :)

Heard a girl saying on phone " I love you soo much my Sonu, monu, sweetu, baabu, lolu, golu, molu ".

I guess it was a conference call!!!

Anybody Home???

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend. It`s been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house and nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That`s bad my boy. Fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That`s not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle`s house to look for her. Nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father. He walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

Positive Thought!!

Positive Though for MEN:  

Whenever in life you are losing self control.Just think of Sunny Leone's cameraman..

Decide for yourself :)

Me: Today, I don't have my car with me

She: I've got the car and can drive too

Me: Are you informing or threatening?

Like a dog!!

Michael had been eyeing his new secretary for some time now, and the day finally came when he persuaded her to bend over the back of his leather couch and permit him to have his way with her.

"Do you mind telling me where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when Michael finally arrived home.

"Where else? At the office," he replied, "working like a dog."