Nevermind!!

Dr. Williams was sleeping soundly when the sound of the phone ringing roused him from his deep slumber. He picked up the phone and growled, "Who is this?"

It was Katie, a young mother, who pleaded on the phone, "We need you to come over urgently. My kid has swallowed a contraceptive."

Dr Williams mumbled, "Okay, I am on my way."

While he was getting dressed, he got another call from Katie. "Doc", she said sounding calm, "Never mind. My hubby found another one."

​Ultimate bargain :)

A Gujju calls a Dentist to inquire about the cost for tooth extraction.

Dentist : Rs 850 Sir.

Gujju : Rs 850!!! Too much! Don't you have anything cheaper?

Dentist : That's the normal charge, Sir.

Gujju : What if you don't use any anesthetic?

Dentist : That's unusual, Sir, but can be done and will cut the cost by Rs 400 .

Gujju : OK. And what if you deploy one of your trainee-dentists to do the extraction, without anesthetic?

Dentist : Well, I cannot guarantee professionalism and it also would be painful. But the price could drop down to Rs 150.

Gujju:  Hmm. What if you make it like a training-session, like one of your students does the extraction, while the other students watch and learn?

Dentist : It'll be good for the students but quite traumatic. And I can pay you Rs 200 for it.

Gujju : Now you're talking! OK, it's a deal. Can I confirm an appointment for my mother-in-law for tomorrow then?

SUV!!

​2 guys are talking....

1st guy: It is my 50th birthday today. My wife gifted me SUV !!!

2nd guy : SUV !!! Wow, which one ?

1st guy : Socks, Underwear & Viagra !!!!

Charges!!

Danny asked his lawyer friend, "How did that old tycoon get acquitted of molestation charges?"

The lawyer friend replied, "Huh, the evidence refused to stand up in court!"

Ladies On The Bus!!

A lady gets on a public bus. Without saying a word, she gestures to the bus driver by sticking her thumb on her nose and waving her fingers at the driver.

The driver acknowledges the lady, turns to her and uses both hands in the same type of gesture and waves all his fingers at her.

The woman holds her right arm out at the driver and chops at it a few times with her left hand.

Then the driver puts his left hand on his right bicep and jerks his right arm up in a fist at her.

The woman then cups both of her hands under her breasts and lifts gently.

So the driver places both of his hands at his crotch and gently lifts up.

Then the woman frowns, runs a finger up between her derriere, and gets off the bus.

There is another woman sitting in the front row of the bus who witnessed the whole exchange.

She speaks up, "That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen on a public bus! What the hell were you doing?"

"Listen lady," states the gruff bus driver, "the lady that got on the bus before was a deaf-mute.

She asked me if the bus went to 5th Street. I said no, we go to 10th Street. She asked if we make many stops. I told her that this was the express. She asked if we go by the dairy, and I told her we go by the ballpark. She said "Shit, I'm on the wrong bus!" and got off."

Project work :)

Looking at my son project work, his teacher commented, "Tell me, did your mother help you with the project work?"

He replied innocently, "No, she did not help me. She did it all by herself."

That's a Gimme !!

Three guys, Father, Son and Grandfather, go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, a gorgeous looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys, all stunned by her beauty, have no problem with this.

The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do; cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game."

The guys agree and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are strategically focused on her as her skirt rides up when she bends over to tee up the ball. She then proceeds to knock the ball right up the middle for about 275 yards. She continues to play a perfect round and pars every hole. They get to the 18th green and she has a 12-foot "bender' putt for par.

She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not coaching me on my game. I've never shot par before and I really want to make this putt, so I'm going to ask each of you for your advice. Whoever gives me the advice that helps me sink this putt will get a best 'HEAD' of his life."

The kid walks over, eyes the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt 6 inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left and fall right into the cup."

The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the kid, you need to aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left and drop right in."

The Grandpa looks at both of them, walks over and picks up the ball, dropping it into the cup.

He unzips his pants and says, "That's a Gimme!"

Soldiers Never Die...

​​One night the old soldier gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's ICU, tubes up his nose and down his throat, wires monitoring every function all around his head, with a hell of a pain over his left ear and a drop dead gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steadily into his eyes and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

He managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

Soldiers never die... they just fade away!

Thought for the Day!!

Orgasms are important...otherwise people wouldn't know when to stop screwing each other ...!!!

Making a baby!!

This is hilarious!

The Patel

'

s were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said,!

'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Patel quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my Gosh!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And! for more than three hours, too.”

“The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Patel fainted !

Exclusive Colony!!

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony...

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?'"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts... Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the Pound 500 membership fee."

"But, Sir,' she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 65 years old. I only get an erection once a month but I fart 35 times a day!"

Career in the city!!

Old Mrs. Arnfield living in the countryside in Essex, got a letter from Kate, her granddaughter. Kate had left the village and gone to Pillsbury to pursue a career. Not understanding anything written in the letter, Mrs. Arnfield ashed her husband, "Kate's got a job, she says she works for a..er...message parlor. What is a message parlor?"

Mr. Arnfield said, "Guess these city people leave messages there for family and friends. Did Kate say how much are they paying her?"

Mrs. Arnfield replied, "That part is most confusing. She writes she gets paid 25 Pounds for a hand-delivered message and 50 pounds if she blows it to them."

​​Height of recycling!!

Man giving used condos 2 his son to use as a balloon and after bursting giving to his daughter to use as hair band

Adventure!!

Andy and Wendy were both adventure junkies. So, on their wedding night, they decided to do something different. They went to a very old and historic graveyard to consummate their marriage. Thrilled and excited about doing it in a place like this, they had a good time. 

The next morning, Wendy complained of severe backache and Andy took her to a doctor. The doctor asked her to take off her clothes so he could give her a thorough examination. 

Once done, the doctor asked Wendy, "What is your age?"

"I am 31, but why did you ask?" replied Wendy.

The good doctor replied with an amused expression, "Your bum says you died in 1820!"