Commitment!!

​​At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: 

"The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents weenie. 

It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.

"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent. 

A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."

Fishing :)

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. 

On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. 

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange trout."

"Why's that?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."

Horse Ride!!

An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

"Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.

"Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..."

Melt!!

Once upon a time there lived a King. The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS... but there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the King, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition.

Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth. Three young Princes Took up the challenge.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince's pants?

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Cadbury's 5 Star - It melts in your mouth, not in your hand.But I appreciate your thinking...

Breakfast!!

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

Lesson learnt!!

After 25 years....

I was chatting with my classmate - my childhood crush online. 

She asked me, "Why I was typing so slow? And I said "Because my other hand isn't free."

She is not replying anymore.

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Lesson learnt - Never smoke while texting!

I'm Next!!

This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car.

A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf.

The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy said, "I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never screwed a cop before!"

Cheating Friend!!

A guy goes to his friend and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees and after mass, he starts talking to the priest and asking him all sorts of stupid questions just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets pissed and asks the guy what he's really up to.

The man feeling guilty confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now."

The priest smiles and says, "Son! You better hurry home now. My wife died 3 yrs back."

Challenge :)

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. 

Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

Doing the Wrong Way!!

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.

But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one.

After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving baby. 

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. 

But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies," since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

Pills!!

A little old lady asks her doctor if there are any Viagra pills for her elderly husband.

"Yes," the doc says, "there are three different strengths: 20% , which lifts it up a little bit; 50%, which makes it stand up half way; and 100%, which makes it touch the ceiling."

"Oh", says the woman,"I'll take the 20% pill please."

The doc shrugs his shoulders and says, "the 20% pill won't do much for your life, love."

To which the old woman replies, "No, but it'll stop him pissing in his slippers!"

Who's Counting?

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to Santa on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night," the Italian said, "I made love to my wife six times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When Santa remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once!?" the Italian arrogantly snorted while the Frenchman laughed, "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"She said, 'I guess we had better stop - it's time to go to the airport.'"

Second Coming!!

A Catholic girl went into confession and said to the priest, "l'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it was the second coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first."

We All Have One!!

How long is your one?

I have one.

You have one.

Your mother uses your father's one and your auntie uses your uncle's one.

A married lady would acquire one.

But a divorced lady would lose her one.

A Pope does not use his one.

Lee Kuan Yew has a short-short one.

Mao Ze Dong had a hairy one.

Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one.

Michael J. Fox has a shorter one.

Madonna does not have one.

The Chinese usually have short ones.

While the Indian usually have long ones.

Do you have one?

How long is your one?

Which one is your preferred one?

If you got that 'one' reply me back with that 'one'

Lick the lock!!

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."

Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

Thrown Out!!

A man enters a confession box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned."

"Tell me what's on your mind my son," the priest replies.

"Father," the man says, "I'm worried that I may be thrown out of the church."

"Whatever for," says the priest.

"I made love with my wife from behind as she was leaning into the fridge."

"Oh my!" says the priest a little stunned. "But she is your wife isn't she? And you were making love weren't you?"

"She is my wife," the man answered, "and indeed we were making love. I've never loved another woman in my life."

"Well, then my son," the priest says happily, "in the eyes of the Lord you've done nothing wrong."

"But father," the man gasped, "does this mean that I won't be thrown out of the Church."

"Of course not my son," the priest replies, "why would you be thrown out of the church?"

"Well Father." the man replied, "we got thrown out of the frozen-food section of the supermarket."

Shrinkage!!

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter all in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn't help but notice the size of his weenie. The young man had the longest, thickest weenie he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his weenie get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

Recovering!!

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )"

Private Secretary!!

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a Huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ My own private secretary.

"Well you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said. "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted."

"That's fair enough," I replied. "When can you start?"

Weather man!!

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. 

The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" 

The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

Test!!

A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. 

Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. 

Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"

Philosophy :)

The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.

Cold!!

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. 

When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. 

He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. 

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". 

So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.

5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

Froze to death!!

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. 

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. 

"I froze to death," says the second. 

"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. 

"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.

How did you die?" says the second.

 "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. 

"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." 

The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Talcum Powder!!

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

Give them a try!!

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

Hair Spray!!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

Little Johnny - Gambler!!

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler.  

She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. 

After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, "I think I broke his gambling". 

The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money." 

"DAMN!" said the father. "What's wrong?", the teacher asked.

 Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"

Dating!!

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church... everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.