Gift From God!

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay cheque.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

After much yelling about the preacher's children costing the church so much, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God."

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear raincoats."

The congregation said: "Amen!!!"

Twice a Week!

There's a few men who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink. One Friday, Banta showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp.

Then he turned to Santa and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it."

At which point Santa put his hand on Banta's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together."

Cooking Socks!!!

I woke up this morning and went to the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.

I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself , "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

Belt!!

​A guy picks up a girl for a date. 

Guy: why are you wearing your belt around your knee? 

Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.

Dirty Mind!!

​Girl: What do you like in me?

Boy: Those two balls having black dots in center.

Girl: You rascal are you with me for that?

Boy: Yes, I like your eyes

Midnight hot!!

​After 1st night. 

Husband: Dear what do you think about our first night? 

Wife:Darling 5% pain, 5% enjoyment and 90% old memories.

Time to leave!!

Lily, a charming girl, was appointed personal secretary to Dean, a highly placed and dashing company executive. 

As the first day of her job came to closing hour, the office staff began to leave one by one. 

Only a peon was left. Lily, being Dean's personal secretary could not leave until her boss said so. Finally, Dean called Lily to his cabin and asked, "I suppose you know what time you should leave office?"

Lily answered, "Oh yes sir, not until somebody knocks on the cabin door."

Best example!!

Mehnat Itni Khamoshi se Karo ke Safalta Shor Machade.

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Pregnancy is one of the best examples!

I am Coming!!

This NRI Gujarati guy from Halifax in Canada gets married back home to a beautiful, voluptuous, village belle from Navsari, the best of the lot in the whole of Gujarat.

Wedding night, big night, man is bloody impatient to get into action. Finally the big moment arrives and they leave the couple alone in the bed room.

He strips, tears her clothes off... and after 10 minutes of wild action he hears his wife sneeze, which puts him off gear. Disappointed, he gets off, and quietly goes off to sleep.

The next day, he pardons his wife for her untimely behavior, and again starts looking forward to the night. But again in the night after 10 mins, the wife starts sneezing. The husband is quite put off and again turns over and goes to sleep.

The next day he confides in his doctor & invites him to actually witness the sad debacle. So in the night, the doctor is hiding behind the curtain when the husband begins his act.

Sure enough, after 10 mins, the wife starts sneezing.

The Canadian Gujju husband immediately gets up and approaches the doctor, "See, what did I tell you!"

The doctor, takes off his shoe & starts hammering the Canadian Guju. The husband is quite perturbed, and asks the doctor the meaning of all this. 

The doctor tells him, "Arey gadheda, kya Canada ja kar Gujerati bhool gaya? She is not sneezing, you idiot, she is saying awuchu...., awuchu.... (I am Coming, Coming)"

Fountain!!

Pete was so drunk, he started peeing into a fountain in the garden.

A cop who saw this, ran towards him and shouted, "What is going on here?? There's a public toilet just across the road."

Pete, in his inebriated condition, snapped back, "Waddya think I got here, a garden hose?"

Grandma in court :)

​​​Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer!

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a  big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate  people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a  big shot when you have​​n't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know  you.."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster He's lazy, bigoted, and has a  drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone  and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to  mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of  them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."  

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet  voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me,  I'll send you to jail for contempt of court"