Man's Life briefed in 5 bottles :)

--
A slave is he who cannot speak his thoughts.

Substitute for women!!!!

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.

The first guy replies, "Well, I got my weenie stuck in the neck of the bottle."

Senior Citizens!!!!!

87 year old Ed is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Mary. "What a beauty," he says to himself.

Then he can't believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Mary notices that Ed is very quiet and still.

She then realizes that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax. At Ed's funeral, one of Mary's friends comes over to her and says, "I was so shocked to hear the news, Mary. Whatever happened?"

"Nothing much," Mary replies, "he came and he went."

Earth Hour

Viens a moi!!!!!

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"
"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?

--
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

Chicken!!!

A guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken under his arm, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

The girl tells him that he can't take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in.

Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its head out - get some air and watch the movie.

Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!"

Interesting Game!!!

Don't miss this really interesting! !!

I never knew browsers have an inbuilt game designed. Just copy and paste the following Red Text in the address bar of your browser and press Enter, It works even though you don't have Internet..!!

javascript:function reverse() { var inp = " mih morf nrael !!!...yaw tnellecxE  & ylerecnis gnikrow si  inahP ... krow ruoy oD .eciffo ta semag eht gniyalp rof gniyap ton si ynapmoc ruoY"; var outp =""; for (i= 0; i <=inp.length; i++) { outp = inp.charAt (i) + outp ;}alert(outp) ;}; reverse();

Cheers,
Phani

--
A good way to change someones attitude is to change our own, because the same sun that melts butter, also hardens clay!

Never tell me!!!

The man asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

Garden of Hedon!!!!!

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked
along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the
same thing: "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"

How to hold on while the train is in motion in order to avoid falling.

How to hold on while the train is in motion in order to avoid falling.
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HELLO!!!!!!!!!!



Where r u concentrating???

I am referring to the older gentleman by the door!!!

SOMETHING VERY INTERESTING

Letters 'a', 'b', 'c' 'd' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 99, (Letter 'd' comes for the first time in Hundred)

Letters 'a', 'b' 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999, (Letter 'a' comes for the first time in Thousand)

Letters 'b' 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999,999,999, (Letter 'b' comes for the first time in Billion)

and

Letter 'c' does not appear anywhere in the spellings of entire English Counting

Just Try......... ......... ........ except C ..for...CASH !!

A Perfect Loving and Caring Wife :)

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor´s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don´t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be
pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don´t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

Don´t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You´re going to die," she replied.

Raise Mine!!!!

Two dwarfs pick up two pros in a bar and take them to their separate rooms in the hotel.

The first dwarf, however, ran into the problem of getting hard on.

While the friend of his in next room was shouting, "Here baby I come again, one, two and three, oh… oh.." and he kept hearing this all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf opens the mouth first and asks his friend how did you do for all the money we paid these girls.

The first one cried and says, "Damn it is frustrating, I even could not raise mine. But I could feel you really enjoyed the night several times."

The second dwarf said, "It is really embarrassing, but I could not even climb from the floor up on the bed."

Burglar :)

"Get this," said one drinker to his friends at the bar, "Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

"yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Fight!!!!

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

Adopted :)

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

CREATION :)

To a smart women who needs a laugh and to men who can handle it

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WORDS :)

To a smart women who needs a laugh and to men who can handle it

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Baba :)

Husband:    Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, Koi hal batao.
Baba:    Beta, hal hota to mein Baba kyon banta..?

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

To a smart women who needs a laugh and to men who can handle it

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Clever Boyfriend!!!

A worried father confronted his Arkansaan daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and ugly and really stupid, too."

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Billy-Bubba's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

Cricket everywhere :)

--
A good way to change someones attitude is to change our own, because the same sun that melts butter, also hardens clay!

Love at first Sight!!!

--
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

Dirty Mind - 3!!!!

An Italian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down...)




















What were you Thinking?

Her husband speaks English! Now get back to your emails... I worry about you sometimes!

Chamomile Tea :)

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Dirty Mind - 2!!!!

To make it stand, you wet it !

To make it wet, you suck it !

To make it stiff, you lick it !

To get it in, You push it!

Damn !!!!!!!

Got wrong thoughts, I'm threading a needle ....

THIS time ;)

The businessman came home form work about 6 pm.

He'd barely gotten in the door before his wife greeted him with a passionate kiss.

Then she pulled him into the bedroom, pushed him down on the bed, unzipped his fly, and began to give him a fantastic BJ :>)

Not daring to interrupt her, he waits until he has gotten off in a mighty explosion.He stares fondly at her, then asks,

"All right, dear, what did you do to the car THIS time?"

New Car!!!

One day a mother and father were making love and their son walked in.  "What are you doing, the kid asked".

Well, you wanted a brother, so we're making you one.

The next day, the father walks outside and sees his son poking away on the family junker's tailpipe.

"Son...what the hell are you doing!!!"

And the son replied - "Mom said she wanted an new car, so I'm making her one!"

Wrong Number!!!

A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed wrong and connected with an auto mechanic instead.
She asked, "Do you have two lips and seven kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have two balls and seven inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No...But it's a damn good average"

--
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

Manager's analysis of Sachin's 200

200 Runs/ 147Balls/ 25X4 / 3X6

Agree you have done GREAT………….. BUT BUT BUT BUT

25 x 4s = 100

3 x 6s   =  18

IT implies that you have done 118 Runs in 28 Balls.

And 12 x 2s = 24

       58 x 1s = 58

IT means you have done all 200 Runs in only 98 balls

So you have wasted 147-98 = 49 balls

Considering only 1 run scored on each of these balls you could have earned 49 valuable RUNS FOR OUR TEAM

MANAGER'S COMMENT: So you only met the expectations and NOT EXCEEDING (though anyone of our team could not do it) and your rating  is 3 TRY TO IMPROVE NEXT TIME..

The offerings of the Yajaman - Worth Reading

In ancient India, the key ritual of society was called the yagna. . It involved setting up of a fire altar into which oblations of ghee were poured to the chanting of hymns. The ritual was meant to benefit the community. The leader of this community was the Yajaman, or the patron. He initiated the yagna and it was he who invested in it. He provided the wood for the fire, the offerings for the flames and it was he who paid the priests their fee. All offerings were made by him and each time the offering was made, he would say, "Svaha", meaning 'so I give'. If the yagna was successful, the deity being invoked would appear. This was the Bhagavan and he would offer a boon or blessing. When the Yajaman made his wish known, the Bhagavan would say "Tathastu", meaning 'so it shall be', and leave. The Yajaman was the prime beneficiary of the yagna, and he shared it with the entire community. This sharing with the community made him the leader of the community. The ritual was conducted by a Rishi who had no stake in the process. He was merely an enabler. At the end of the ritual, the Rishi received his fee, the dakshina, and left the yagna-shala or the sacrificial hall.

Yagna is a metaphor for a process where there is an input (Svaha) and an output (Tathastu). As is the Svaha, so is the Tathastu. As one sows, so does one reap! As any data warehousing expert will say: rubbish in leads to rubbish out.

The corporate world is full of processes. Yagnas are taking place in the conference rooms, in the board rooms, in meeting rooms, in town hall meetings, in brain storming sessions, in review meetings, in client interactions. But there is one problem. No one is sure, who is the Rishi, who is the Yajaman and who is the Bhagavan.

The commercial director of a company felt the need for a content management software. He spoke to the IT director and after a whole series of discussions and debates, funds were approved by the MD for the software. The sales director was made responsible for setting it up. And IT department was made responsible for training the executives. That is when the problem began.

No one knew for whom was the program, who would benefit from it, who would have to enter data in it, who would have to work with it and why was it actually needed. Of course, the software firm hired to do the job had a whole set of forms that if filled correctly would answer all these questions but who had the time to fill up those reams and reams of papers. Who knew the answer? The people asking the questions were only doing so to complete their job. "Just put something in every field of all the forms; no one cares what is actually written, expect the quality check department," they said without actually saying so. So something was written, something was filed, a whole series of meetings took place and, in the stipulated period of time, the content management software was set up. Training was also conducted. Participants had to participate because they were told to do so by the boss. They did not know why they were being trained and how the software would impact their lives, if at all. But the training was conducted in the stipulated period of time.

A few weeks later the CFO had to pay for the software and the training. He wanted to check if the software was serving its purpose. What he found was shocking! Yes, the training had been done, the software had been set up, all the stipulated forms had been filled, but no one actually used it. "Don't ask me," said the IT director. "Don't ask me," said the software company . "Don't ask me," said the IT director. "Don't ask me," said the sales director. "Don't ask me," said the MD. All eyes fell on the commercial director, and he argued, "Excuse me, did we all not agree that that this software was good for us. We all signed the contract, did we not?"

This is not an uncommon occurrence in many organizations, especially large ones. Processes take place with no one clear who is the benefactor or the beneficiary. Everyone just performs the tasks because process demands it. Yes there are process-owners but this has more to do with accountability than ownership. If there is an audit of the process, the process-owner can be questioned – this seems to be his sole role. He does not consider himself beneficiary or benefactor.

Often meetings are held and projects initiated without clarity about who is the Yajaman and who is the Bhagvan leading to action without output.

Every human interaction has a Yajaman (the beneficiary) and a Bhagvan (the benefactor). Yajaman does the Svaha and the Bhagavan, if pleased, provides the Tathastu. Clarity of this thought enables interactions to have fruitful outcomes. This idea is not new, but cultural terminologies such as these add soul to other wise bland functional words.

On investigation, the MD realized that the content management software was for the benefit of his sales staff but the input had to be provided by the marketing team. The IT team and the software teams were merely enablers – the Rishis, who had no stake in the input or output. Once this clarity emerged, a meeting was called. The Yajaman was clearly identified. He had to take the role, not because the MD said so but because it was important. He had an interesting point, "What is the use of this expensive software? Let us check if knowledge exchange between marketing and sales actually takes place by other methods." An investigation revealed that this did take place by email and snail mail – but the sales men did not actually read what was given. How was the content management software going to change that? The problem was deeper and one that could not be solved by a software. Once the Yajaman identified the problem, a whole series of solutions were thought of, ones that would impact the balance sheet positively and not one that would indulge the fascination of one director for software toys.

Niagara Falls :)

Guide: I welcome you all to the Niagara falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't b heard!

Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagara Falls??