Common!!

Q: What do women and police cars have in common?

 A: They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Rooster!!

A farmer brought a Rooster home. As soon as the rooster entered the farm, he started screwing all the 200 hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunch, Rooster screws all the 200 hens again.

The farmer is becoming uncomfortable and worried now.

The next day, he sees that the Rooster doing it to the ducks, geese & a goat too.

Finally, the farmer sees the Rooster lying on the ground, weak and pale, half-dead & vultures circling over it's head.

The Farmer rebukes him and says "You deserved it, didn't you, you horny desperate idiot.!!

The Rooster opens one eye, and pointing towards the sky, says "Sssshh ! Speak softly ! Just let them land!"

Flashlight!!

A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Yesterday, I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When turned on my flashlight, I witnessed two men making love."

"Oh, so you were the jerk with the flashlight."

Privacy!!

Jungle Mein Sher Badi Pareshani Ke Mood Mein Betha Tha, Tabhi Uske Pas Ek Bandar Aaya Aur Usne Puchha

Bandar: "Maharaja Ji, Kya Hua Aap Aise Udaas Kyu Bethe Ho?"

Sher: "Yaar Kya Batau, Ye Saale Discovery Aur Animal Planet Walon Ne Bhi Pareshan Kar Ke Rakha Hai"

Bandar: "Kyun, Kya Hua?"

Sher: "Saale Privacy To Dete Nahi, Aur Phir Bolte Hai, Only Few Left"

Odd one Out!!

Q: Which is the odd one out?
1. Chick Pea
2. Green Bean
3. Soy Bean
4. Vibrator
.
..
...
A: Green Bean, all the others are meat substitutes.

Harami!!

Define A Ture Harami?

A harami is someone who visits a medical store, instead of an Ice Cream parlor when his Girlfriend says: "I Love Strawberry Flavor"

Common Sense :)

An illiterate father with his educated son went on a camping trip, they set up their tent and feel asleep.

Some hour later, father wakes his son and asks: "Look up to the sky and tell me what do you see?

Son: I see Millions of stars...

Father: What does that tell you?

Son: Astronomically it tells there are millions of galaxies and planets up there...

Father: Slaps the son hard and says, "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

KLPD -OL!!

Husband enters a medical store to buy condy's for weekend & receives SMS from wife - "Ghar Aate Huye Whisper Le Aana"

Three words -OL!!

What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home.

Lies :)

The school phoned me today and said: "Your son has been telling lies!"
I said: "Well tell him he's bloody good. I ain't got any kids!"

Invoicing Query!!

A Businessman in Texas had an invoicing query. so he called his secretary for helping him with Maths.

He asked her, "You graduated from Texas university, right? I need some help with a problem.

If I have to give you $45,000 minus 15%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary, thinking for a moment, replied, "Everything but my earrings".

Assessments!!

The crux of the problem. 

Men look at a woman's ass and say: What an ass! Whereas 

Women look at a man's face and say: What an ass!

Same comment, different Ass-essments

Argument!!

Jeeto: I have invented a way of winning every argument with my hubby.

Preeto: Even I would like to know. Please tell me also.

Jeeto: Argue while being naked, you'll win it every single time

Tastes!!

Human tastes change as people mature. Little girls like dolls and little boys like balls.

However, when they grow up, girls like balls and boys like dolls.

Scribbling !!

Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head.

"What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.

"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!" replied the customer.

"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else," said the bartender.

"I know," continue the headshaker. "One of them has scratched out the phone number!"

Halloween party!!

A couple was going to a Halloween party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss in Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his weenie.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."

Affair!!

Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'

 

His second friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'

 

Santa says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' 

 

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 

 

'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'

Something Nice :)

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice.

During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

Observation!!

1st year students of MBBS were attending their first practical class.They all gathered around the surgery table with a real dead body (man),the professor, put his finger in man's ass and tasted it in his own mouth.

Then he told them to do the same,the students hesitated for several minutes.

But eventually everyone inserted their finger's in man's ass and tasted it,when everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said

Professor: "The most important thing is observation. I inserted my middle finger but tasted the index finger"

Feed!!

Banta was in his apartment wearing only his boxers.

Preeto: Dress up, guests must be coming any moment.

Banta: Let them see me this way, so they know how you feed me.

Preeto: Then take off the boxers also, so they may see that what for should I feed you

Difference!!

Q: What's the difference between a micro-wave oven and a woman?

A: Micro-wave oven does not scream when you put a piece of meat in it.

Right thing!!

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Pigs for sale!!

A man is driving through the countryside when he sees a sign that reads "Pigs for sale, next left". Curiosity got the better of him and he turned into the farm.The farmer greets him at the gate and asks him which pig he wants. The man, having no experience of buying pigs simply points at one and asks "how much is that one?".

The farmer grabs the pig's tail between his teeth, lifts the pig off the floor and says "£200" Slightly confused, the man says "that's a bit expensive, how about that one" and points at another pig. Again the father picks up the pig by the tail between his teeth and says "that ones heavier, so it'll be about £250".

"Heavier?" said the man, "am i supposed to believe you are weighing them"

"Yes" said the farmer, "that's how you weigh pigs, everybody knows that, ask my daughter"

The man turns to his daughter and sure enough she says "that's how you weigh pigs".

By this point the man is sure he is being conned, and is about to leave when the farmer says, "Hang on, I'll prove that this is how you weigh pigs, ask my wife".

To which his daughter added "Oh, you can't ask her, she's weighing the postman".

Chamatkaar!!

Doston Kahte Hai Aurat Ke Hath Mein Barkat Hoti Hai,

Bilkul Sahi Hai,

Kyun Ki Agar Us Ke Haath Mein,

Do Inch Ki Cheez Pakda De,

To 6-Inch Ki Kar Deti Hai,

Jaise Ki, Chapaati

Think Positive Yaar.

Angrez - Hindi

Ek Angrej Hindi Sikhne Ke Liye India Aaya.

15 Din Yahi Raha, Finally Usne 2 Baatein Sikhi:

1. Shukar Hai, Light Aa Gayi.

2. Iski Maa Ki Chut, Phir Chali Gayi.

Second time!!

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and Santa runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.

Jeeto yells, "That guy just screwed me twice!"

Santa: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?

Jeeto: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time

Optimists & Pessimists!!

Both Optimists & Pessimists Contribute To Our Society

The Optimist Invents The Viagara,

And

The Pessimist Invents The i-Pill.

Difference !!

Question: "What Is Difference Between Chicken And A Baby?"

Answer: "Chicken Is A Result Of Sitting Hen,

And

Baby Is The Result Of Standing Cock."

Will Power!!

Man quits smoking because of will power.

He quits drinking because of will power.

But he quits womanizing because he has the will but no power!

Love and Marriage :)

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

 He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

 Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

Hurt :)

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed her elbow and screamed. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Benefit!!

Wife: "Want a quickie?"

Husband: "As opposed to what?"

Pirate :)

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Height Of Social Networking!

A Woman Updated Her Status On The Facebook: "Got My Periods Last Night"

21 Guys "Liked It" & 18 Guys Posted "Thank God"

Legs!!

After Delivering 9th Baby

Lady To Priest: "I Don't Know Why I Get Pregnant So Often? There Must Be Something In Air"

Priest: "Yes My Child, Your Legs"

Patients!!

A doctor had just finished a marathon love session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said lots of other doctors have it with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ..

Friends!!

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

Vaseline!!

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

Liar!!

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?" the friend replied.

"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

Vibrator!!

A blonde enters a Shop and asks for a vibrator.
Salesman: You can select from our range displayed on the wall.
Blonde: I'll take the red one.
Salesman: You can't, that's our Fire Extinguisher!

Little Johnny - Swimming Pool!!

Little Johnny is in the swimming pool when he is cornered by the lifeguard.

"You're not supposed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I will have to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," protested Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

With the Eyes!!

Katy had not been feeling well and went to see her family doctor.

"Young lady," Dr. Jones declared, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be", protested Katy. "The only men I've been with are nudists and in our camp, we practice intercourse only with our eyes."

"Well in that case," said the doctor, "I suppose someone in that camp is cockeyed."

Poem!!

For a change, instead of regular jokes, a poem for you...

In the begging there were two leaves

one covered Adam's and one covered Eve's

then one day those leaves blew away

then in the wind Adam's thing started to sway

then in amazement as he stood there

he noticed Eve's treasure all covered with hair

then to Eve's wondering eyes 

Adam's thing started to rise

so they went at it and at it for days on end

its amazing how many ways people can bend..

Lawyer :)

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

Tight!!

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over.

So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.

"Geeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"

"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"

"But my dress?"

"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"

"But what about my underwear?"

"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them".

"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"

"Only the first time, Madam."

@ home :)

Phone rings...
Santa: If it's for me then say that I am not at home.
Jeeto answered: He is at home.
Santa: What the hell?
Jeeto: It was for me.

Italian Restaurant :)

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very swank and impressive Italian restaurant.

He ordered one of the more expensive bottles of wine on the menu, and the two chatted as they sipped from their glasses.

Finally, he picked up the menu again and studied it with a fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man confidently said, "We'll both have the Guiseppe Spomdalucci."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, "but that's the owner."

3 kinds of men :)

There are 3 kinds of men in the world:

Some remain single & make wonders happen.

Some have girlfriends & see wonders happen.

The rest get married & wonder what happened?

Shaadi!!

Shadi Ke Function Mein Do Aadmi Aapas Mein Baat Kar Rahe The

Pahla: "Lo Kuch Din Pahle Hi God Mein Khelti Thi Aur Aaj Iski Shaadi Hai"

Dusre Ne Puchha: "Aap Dulhan Ke Chacha Ho?"

Pahla Muskurate Hue: "Nahi, Dulhan Ka Boss"

Engagement :)

ENGAGEMENT - 

a. that period in a man's life which can sometimes end happily - unless it ends in marriage;

b. a word with two meanings: (1) in war, it is a battle and (2) in courtship, a surrender.

Mathematics!!

Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

Batteries!!

Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. 

The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.

"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries." 

Curious girl!!!

I would like to share a funny experience.

It was Friday evening. I boarded the metro and sat down. A young mother and her little daughter entered the compartment and settled themselves in the seat next to me.

I was holding a bunch of roses in my hands and the little girl was straining to see what I was holding.

"What have you got there, mister?" she asked.

Her mother got a bit flustered and told her to mind her own business.

I showed her what I was holding and she loudly announced, "Hey...Roses! Who are they for?"

Her mother was embarrassed and firmly commanded her to sit down.

I replied, "These are for my girlfriend".

This time she exclaimed in an even louder voice, "Wow!! pretty RED roses, and so many of them, too! You really must have screwed up!"

Everyone in the compartment was in splits, except her Mom who was desperately looking for a place to hide!

Wrong texts!!

Santa: I sent the wrong texts to the wrong people.

Banta: So what?

Santa: Nothing really - but now my wife thinks that I'm going to make love to her tonight and my girlfriend thinks that I have to work late.

Gupt Daan!!

Pujari Apni Patni Ka Monthly Checkup Karvane Doctor Ke Paas Gaya,

Checkup Hone Ke Baad Doctor Bola,

Doctor: "Pujariji Aapki Biwi Maa Banne Wali Hai"

Pujariji Gehri Soch Mein Pad Gaya.

Doctor Pujariji Ko Hilate Hue: "Kya Hua?"

Pujari Sochte Hue Bola: "Soch Raha Hoon, Ye Gupt Daan Kon Kar Gaya?"

Air-bag :)

Jason and Sandra went shopping for a new car at the Ford dealership.
The salesman asked them, "Would you like a car with an Air-bag."

Jason retorted, "No thank you. I already have a Mother-in-law."

Anthropomorphic :)

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably, because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a gathering of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not....... a Congress!

Difference !!

Q: What's the difference between a child and an egg?

A: An egg is the result of a sitting hen and a child is a result of a standing cock.

Bodybuilder!!

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Dentures :)

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled, and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached 15 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour and 25 minutes!

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore, it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!!!

Moorti !!

Pati kaam se ghar jaldi aa gaya, patni ne ye dekha to gabra kar premi ko powder laga kar, kone mein murti ki tarah khada kar diya

Pati kamre mein aya to usne moorti dekhi aur pucha

Pati: "ye kya hai?"

Patni muskurate hue boli: "ji ye murti Gupta ji ne di hai."

Pati kuch na bola, aur kaam kaaj mein vyast ho gaya aadhi raat ko uth kar murti ke aage sandwich rakh kar bola.

Pati: "kha lo gupta ji, parson main bhi tumhare ghar saari raat aise hi khada raha kisi ne pani tak bhi nahi puchha tha"

Three Pals!!

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condy!"

100% -OL :)

I always give 100% at work:13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday"

Men will be Men!!

Do Cheeze Samaj Nahi Aayi!!

Zindagi Mein Do Cheeze Samaj Nahi Aayi Aaj Tak:

 

Pehli: "Ladkiyon Ki Jeans Mein Zip Ka Kya Kaam Hai?"

 

Doosri: "Jab Unke Paas Kuch Pakadne Ke Liye Hai Hi Nahi To Wo Bathroom Jane Ke Baad Hath Kyo Dhoti Hai?"

Ever Imagined!!

Ever Imagined, Why Our Ass Is Split Vertically ??

 

Because If It Was Split Horizontally, It Would Clap When You'd Run Down The Stairs !!!

Similarity !!

Whats The Similarity Between Sunny Deol And Sunny Leone???

 

They Both Shout A Lot In Their Movies….

Guy can understand this -OL !!

Only a guy can understand this: "Sun Is Not The Only Thing That Rises In The Morning"

Heaven & Hell!!

Question: "What Is Heaven?"

Answer: "Thousand Of Girls And Buckets Of Beer."

Question: "What Is Hell?"

Answer: "When You Come To Know That The Buckets Have Holes And Girls Don't."

Dhobi!!

What is the defination of a Dhobi?

THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN LEGALLY SAY TO EVERY MARRIED WOMAN- "Kapde nikal ke rakho, main aata hoon!"

A Matter Of Punctuation :)

An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Blonde In Boeing :)

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. 

As soon as she boarded the plane,a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts, "BE SILENT!"

`There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

Virgins!!

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?

A: They can't stand comparison & criticism.

Complete the sentence..

Teacher: Complete the sentence, "Early to bed and early to rise..."
Pappu: This man surely has no interest in his wife.

Italian men!!

Two Italian men, Antonio and Carlo, were traveling in a metro in London. They were both engaged in an animated conversation.

An English lady sitting next to them was reading a book, but soon her attention is diverted to their conversation.

Antonio says to Carlo:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two as*es come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two as*es, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The English lady can't take this anymore and yells, "You foul-mouthed ill-mannered sex obsessed pig! In this country, we don't discuss our sex lives loudly in public!"

"Hey, what's the problem lady?" said Antonio, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my friend Carlo how to spell 'MISSISSIPPI '.."

Smart :)

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

Chess Player!!

Three friends were discussing their wives.

Tom says "You know, my wife is amazing. When she makes love, she's just like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions."

Eric says, "I couldn't have asked for a better wife. She is gifted like a world-class pianist when it comes to sex. She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."

No one spoke for a moment. Then Tom says to the third friend Robert, "Hey Rob, tell us how's your wife in bed?"

Robert took a sip of his vodka and said, "I guess you could say that my wife has the gift of a chess player."

"A chess player?"

"Yeah" says Robert. "Every half an hour, she moves."

Falling!!

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Animal game!!

Mrs. Jones in kindergarten school decided to play an animal game. She showed the class a picture of a rhinoceros and asked, "Who can tell me what it is?"

When no one answered, Mrs. Jones prompted, "See it has a large horn in the middle of it's face? What wild animal has a large horn?"

Reena raised her hand and said, "I think it's a rhino."

"Very good Reena," said Mrs. Jones.

Next she held up a pic of a zebra and prompted, "What animal has stripes like these?"

Joe held up his hand and said it was a zebra.

"Right answer Joe," said Mrs. Jones

Next she held up a photograph of a deer. Nobody answered. She hinted, "See the big antlers on this animal. Tell me the name of this animal?"

There was still no response.

"Okay, Ill give you another hint, it's something your mommy calls your daddy."

Tedddy shouts from the back row, "I know, I know, it's a H*rny Son of a B*tch."

Abbreviation :)

With regards to all the Indians who are settled in America, the following abbreviation describes their condition:

ABCD = American Born Confused Desi (Also the name of a movie)

Now, we will define their condition more aptly with all the 26 alphabets
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

It's : American Born Confused Desi Emigrated From Gujarat, Housed In Jersey, Keeping Lots of Motels, Named Omkarnath Patel, Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways, Xenophobic Yet Zestful.

Share it with a Gujju friend, I just did it :)

Space is an essential part of English!!

A secretary got an expensive pen as birthday gift from his boss.

She sent his boss a 'thank you note' via e-mail.

But, her boss's wife read the note and filed a divorce.

The note was

"Your penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night.

It has extra-ordinarily smooth flow and firm strokes.

Initially its tip was to be licked to bring it in working order and then it was equally on both sides.

I loved its perfect size and grip.

I felt as in heavens using it.

I had always desired it and fulfilled my wish.

At last it is mine and only mine, forever.

Thanks a lot."

Moral: "Space is an essential part of English."

 

Universal Sign :)

Ted was looking for a parking place in a shopping arcade. After driving up and down several lanes, he finally found a parking spot. He noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, Ted gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very puzzling. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at Ted, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the arcade. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once Ted parked, he walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," the driver replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

Conversation :)

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: 
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
Well, you know how she is. "Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. 
"You were perfectly right. 
"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the  telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: 
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

Test!!

An Air Force placement test asks: "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect ! "

Those who spell "spine" become doctors. The rest go to flight school.

Scared!!

Two young girls were talking about their private lives when the first girl  says, "Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke.

I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."

"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.

"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."

For God Sake!!

Husband: "Honey, why is broken condom laying on the sofa?"

Wife tensed: "where?"

she goes out to check and returns

Wife: "For GOD sake stop calling our son a broken condom"

 

Safe!!

Question: "What's the most Important Question to ask if you want to have Safe Game?"

Answer: "What Time Will Your Husband Be Home?"

Ice Cube!!

Old friends Ronald and Jasper were totally drunk at the bar. Jasper was staring at his glass with curiosity and asked,"Hey Ronald, have you ever witnessed an ice cube with a hole in it?"

Ronald replies casually, "You bet. I have been married to one since the last ten years."

Fact -OL!!

The vibrator was the 5th domestic appliance to be electrified, after the sewing machine, toaster, fan and tea kettle

Laundry !!

Emma, Olivia and Wilma were neighbors in a small town in Sweden. They would often gossip while hanging their laundry out in the backyard.

When it rained, however, the laundry would always get wet - all the washed clothes, except for Wilma's. Emma and Olivia would be amazed by the fact that Wilma never had her laundry out on the days it rained.

One day, when they were all out in the backyard putting their washed clothes on the line, Emma asked Wilma,"How is it when it rains, your clothes are never out?"

"I'll tell you a secret," said Wilma, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Sven. If his dangling is hanging over his right leg, I know it will be a warm day, and I can hang out the clothes. If his dangling is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the laundry."

"What if he is erect?" asked Olivia.

"Darling," said Wilma, "Who wants to do laundry on a day like that?"

Choices :)

Never laugh at your wife's choices
You are one of them
 
Never be proud of your choices
Your wife is one of them

PTO!!

Pathan's wife got fed up with her husband and got a tattoo made on her bum
.
..
...
P.T.O.

Similarity!!

Whats The Similarity Between Washing Machine & Girls?

Even If One Of These Is Not Available Then You Have To Use Your Hands.

Funny Definitions :)

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Rumour: News that travels at the speed of sound.

College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.

Marriage: It is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelors degree and woman gains her master's.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and shakes your confidence after.

Chemist!!

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condy's to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her  worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condys, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condy won't even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

Interview!!

Santa been to an interview and was given SWOT analysis, this is what he wrote in it..

Strength – My Wife, Preeto.

Weakness – Bantas Wife, Jeeto.

Opportunity – When Banta Is On Tour.

Threat – When I Am On Tour.

Difference!!

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What is Marketing?!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say: 'I'm fantastic in bed' - That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends approaches her, points at you and says: 'He's fantastic in bed' - That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say: 'Hi, I'm fantastic in bed' - That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say: 'By the way, I'm fantastic in bed' - That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: 'I hear you're fantastic in bed' - That's Brand Recognition.

Stock Show!!

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.

They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Honeymooner!!

A guy who is a virgin gets married.

On the honeymoon the guy walks into his hotel room and his wife is naked on the bed.

She asks the man, "Do you know what I want?"

The man says, "I don't know."

The woman spreads her legs and then asks the same question again.

The guy says, "You want the whole bed to yourself. Don't you?"

Photo Pose!!

Typical Honeymoon photo pose: He's on a chair. She is standing. Why typical?
.
..
...
He is too tired to stand up, she's too sore to sit down!

Small -OL!!

Which three two-letter words denote "small"?? Is it in?

Dance Bars!!

Santa: I don't understand the point of Dance Bars.
Banta: Why?
Santa: If I wanted a woman to take my money & frustrate me, I better stay at home with my wife.

Propose!!

The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is
.
..
...
As soon as she gets on her knees, the man will start unzipping!

Fact -OL!!

CLEAVAGE is like the Sun... You can LOOK, but you cannot STARE; unless you are wearing sunglasses!

Success -OL!!

Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got screwed to achieve it.

Dream!!

Santa to his wife, "I had a wet dream about you last night".
Jeeto: Awww, did you ?
Santa: Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing.

Weather!!

Bob, the pharmacist hired a new assistant, Jim. Bob told the new assistant to be polite to every customer that came into the store. Bob's advise was, "If you are unable to make small talk, just talk about the weather."

When Bob came back after having his meal, the assistant was sporting a black eye. "So much for your advice," moaned Jim, the assistant.

"What happened?" asked Bob.

"Well, this lady came in for a pack of sanitary napkins. Trying to make small talk, I said that it looked like it was going to be a dull weekend."

Difference !!

Justin: Can you distinguish between anxiety and panic?

Dick: You tell me.

Justin: Anxiety is the first time a guy can't get it up the second time. While Panic is the second time he can't get it up the first time.

Discussion :)

Bill and John were sitting in a bar discussing married life.

Bill says, "My wife has a solution for every problem."

John says, "You are lucky man. My wife has a Problem for every Solution!"

Cell Phone Etiquette!

After a very busy day, Peggy settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Manhattan for the 'burbs.

As the train rolled out of the station, one last passenger jumped on the train and got the last seat — right next to Peggy.

Naturally, he pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric! ... I'm on the train — yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting ... No, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life — yes, I'm sure, cross my heart," etc., etc.

It was nauseating. And no matter how much Peggy glared at him, cleared her throat, or otherwise tried to express her disapproval over his rudeness, he completely ignored her.

Fifteen minutes later, she got an idea. She leaned in close to him and said in her most sensual, pouty voice aimed right at his phone:

"Hey, Eric, sweetie! Turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Cast Away!!

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"

Poor Communication Skills!!

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.

"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

"Shit," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

No Kicking Please!!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Medical Tests!!

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello, Mrs. Smith, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Smith, this is Doctor James at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Smith arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Smith asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Smith.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Documentary !!

Tom: Did you hear about the new documentary they are making about Madonna?

Jerry : What's it called?

Tom : Missionary Position Impossible.

Trust your Husband!!

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Until she is totally exhausted.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello'?

Alternative Word -OL!!

What Is The Alternative Word For "Virgin" - "Center Fresh"

Confess!!

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes!, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess"

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

DOUGH!!

Mrs. Jones, the English teacher, announced in class, "Children, I am going to test your word spelling and understanding today. The first word is DOUGH. Sheila, can you tell the class please".

Sheila got up and said, "The spelling is D-O-U-G-H and Domino's makes pizza with dough."

The teacher applauded and said Rebecca you are next. Rebecca said, "D-O-U-G-H. My brother makes strange animal figures with my play dough."

Mrs. Jones said, "Good. Now Little Johnny you have been raising up your hand so much you go next."

Little Johnny jumped from his seat and said, "My mom says, my dad doesn't have enough DOUGH in him in bed and so she likes 'DILL DOUGH'"

Peeping Johnny!!

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th Grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Timmy ?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Paul ?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So, she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Great :)

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Chinese!!

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men

Couple of stiff ones!!

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.'

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.

After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

Name !!

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen. What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

Finally together!!

She married and had 13 children.

Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Name !!

A guy is in the bathroom taking a piss when this huge man walks in and starts pissing in the urinal next to him.

The guy just happens to look over and see the other guy`s dick is huge.

Then he walks over and says, "Hey man I'm not gay or anything but what is your name? Because you have the biggest weenie I have ever seen!"

The big guy says, "Well thanks man. My name is Ben Rover."

Then the guy passes out.

When he wakes up he says, "Whats your name again"

"Well it's Ben Rover," the big guy says!

Oh what a relief I thought you said 'bend over'.

Private Property!

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says, "What is that for?"

The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."