Construction workers!!!!

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says: "What the fuck is your problem! I said I needed a hand saw!"

The other guy says: "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Truth - OL!!!

Agar Abortion Karvana Murder Hai To, Condom Use Karna Kidnapping Hai

What does government want...!!!

Paneer : Rs 160 per kg

Petrol : Rs 75 per  ltr

Condoms : Only Rs 10 for 3pcs. 

What does government want from us? Not to eat, Not to roam and just....????

Golf !!!

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was uncomfortable with the women's type I had been playing with.

After turning for several minutes, a good looking gentleman working in the store approached me.

He asked if he could help me.

Without giving it a thought, I looked at him and said: "I think I like playing with men's balls!"

Positions!!!

Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."

The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?"

"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."

"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?"

"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing....

"I'm going to have a puppy!"

Peek!!!

A newly wed couple was on honeymoon and the two were virgins.

They were very nervous about the evening so they made each other promise not to peek.

The new husband got under the sheets and undressed while the new wife went to her suitcase to get her new lingerie.

When she opened her case, a sad look come upon her face and she said "Oh no, it's all pink and wrinkly''

The man shocked accused, "Hey! you peeked!'

Mechanic !!!

Ek Mechanic Ki Wife Ki Delivery Thhi Par Mechanic Ko Kisi Kaam Se Bahar Jana Pada

Wife Ki Delivery Hui To Usne Apne Husband Ko Ek SMS Bheja

Wife: "Mubarak Ho, Aapka Spare Part Aa Gaya Hai"

Mechanic Ne Reply Kiya: "Arrey Ye To Bata De, Natt Wala Hai Ya Bolt Wala?"

Quote !!!

The Ejaculation Is Achieved By The Last Stroke, This Doesn't Mean That First Stroke Was Useless.

Achievement Is A Result Of Continuous Effort.

Tit for Tat!!!!

Wife: "Suno Jee Mujhe New Bra Lene Hain"

Husband: "Kya Jarurat Hain Itne Chhote Chhote Toh Hain"

Wife: "Kal Aapne Underwear Liya Maine Kuch Kaha?"

Batteries!!!

A lady went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.

"To remove that vibrator'' said the doctor "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation''

"I don't think I can afford that'' said the lady.

"Could you just replace the Batteries".

Dentist!!!!

Dentist Was Removing A Tooth Of A Lady

Dentist: "Madam You Are Holding My Balls"

Lady: "I Know, Its Just To Remind You That We Are Not Going To Hurt Each Other"

Magic Wand!!!!

Fred had been divorced twice after his wives cheated on him, so he decided the only way to get a faithful wife was  to marry someone who knew nothing of sex.  He meant nothing!  He moved to the mountains & found himself a simple, innocent girl, & married her.

On their wedding night, he told her about his "magic wand", and how no one else in the entire world had one.  Sure enough,  she was enraptured with the "magic" feelings it brought her.   She & Fred were very happy.

But Fred needed to make a living, so he had to go out of town on a business trip.   His innocent wife knew only he had a "magic wand", so he left feeling safe.

When he got home, he could tell there was something different about his wife, she was ready to confront him.

"You told me you were the only man in the world with a magic wand," she said.

"Yes..." he started to answer.

"But I found out that Jerry has a magic wand too!" she said, clearly upset.

"Well yeah," he stammered. "Jerry is my best friend, and I had two magic wands, so I thought I should give him one of them."

With that, she burst in to tears.  "What's wrong?" Fred asked, perplexed.

"Well why," she said through her sobs, "did you have to give him the good one?!"

Handover - Takeover

Top Indian IT companies are popularly known as SWTICH (Satyam, Wipro, TCS, Infosys, CTS, and HCL). With Satyam debacle, now the name sounds little odd as it has changed into WITCH.

Out of the WITCH companies, Dallal Street was very happy with the performance of TCS and CTS over few quarter/yearly results. There is a mounting pressure on Infosys and Wipro to gear up else CTS is going to overtake them soon. Interestingly, over a year or so we have seen lot of changes in the management and re-organization in both these companies. When I was reading some of the articles on these changes, it reminded me of a management story.

With the changing market scenarios, stiff competition, and declining top and bottom line of the organization, the board has decided to replace the existing CEO to get a fresh perspective and thought leadership. A couple of weeks were given for handover and takeover. On the last day of the handover process, incumbent CEO gives the new CEO three sealed envelopes marked as 1, 2, 3 and asked him to open the envelopes in that order when he encounter a crisis to find a solution.

At the end of the first financial year, there is no improvement in the top or bottom line. In the panic situation CEO before the board meeting opens the first envelope. The letter inside the envelope says “Blame the Predecessor”. He goes to the board meeting and blames the predecessor for the complete mess and he is working on bringing it on track and gets away with this explanation.

About six months later, there is no change in the situation. The CEO opens the second envelope and the letter inside say “Restructure". CEO completely re-organize the business units, people and informs the board that he is getting right people in right place and aligning things that would help the organization to focus more on the customer needs.

At the end of the year, still there is no change in the situation. CEO opens the third envelope before the board meeting and the letter inside says “Prepare three envelopes".

Post re-shared from the blog -http://goo.gl/0dR7w

Sholay - Na Insaafi !!!

Sholay Film Mein Se Kaata Gaya Ek Dialog

Gabbar: "Goli 6 Or Aadmi 3, Bahut Na Insaafi Hai Re"

Sambha: "Ghanta Na Insaafi Hai, 3 Aadmio Ki 6 Goliya Hi To Hoti Hai Sardar"

Priceless!!!!

Baba Ek Din Mast Mood Mein Bethe Thhe To Unke Ek Ashiq Mijaj Bhakt Ne Pucha

Bhakt: "Baba Ji, Log Kahte Hai Ki Smile Priceless Hoti Hai, Iska Koi Example Dijiye Na"

Baba : "Dekh Bachha, Is Baat Ko Ese Samajh"

Apni Girl Friend Ke Sath Tu Movie Dekhne Gaya Aur 500 Ki Tickets Li

Fir Uske Saath Sara Din Car Pe Ghuma Aur 700 Ka Petrol Uda Diya

Phir Usko 5 Star Hotel Mein Le Gaya Aur Pahle 500 Rs Ki Coffe Pee Aur Fir 2000 Rs Ka Dinner Kiya.

Aur Usi Hotel Ke Bade Ache Se Room Jiska Rent 5000 Rs Hai Uske Ander Le Gaya.

Aur Girlfriend Ko Bed Pe Lita Ke Jaisi Hi Uski Jeans Khone Laga To Girlfriend Bole: "Nahi Aaj Mere Periods Hai"

Us Time Tu Usko Muskura Ke Dikhayega Aur Jo Tere Chehre Pe Muskaan Hogi Vo Priceless Hi Hogi

Men will be Men...

Bhagwan Sabse Jyada Dukhi Kab Hote Hai!!!

Jaisa Ki Kal Aapne Pada Ki Teacher Ke Puchne Pe Pappu Ne Bataya Ki Bhagwan Ji Kab Khush Hote Hai.

Teacher Is Jawab Ko Sunkar Khamosh Ho Gayi Aur Socha Ki Pappu Ka Dimag Jyada Hi Kharab Hai Ise Sabak Sikhaya Jaye

To Usne Pucha: "Chal Ab Ye Bata Ki Bhagwan Sabse Jyada Dukhi Kab Hote Hai?"

Pappu Bhi Apna Akhir Pappu Thha Usne Jawab Diya

Pappu: "Jab Koi Ladki Bina Shadi Kiye Pregnent Ho Jati Hai Tab Uski Maa Saara Iljam Bhagwan Ko Dete Hue Kahti Hai, Hey Bhagwan, Ye Tune Kya Kiya?"

Mindset..

Bhagwan Sabse Jyada Khush Kab Hote Honge!!!

Teacher Ne Class Mein Pappu (Pappu -apna Indian Little Johnny.) se poocha

Teacher: "Batao Pappu, Bhagwan Sabse Jyada Khush Kab Hote Honge?"

Pappu: "Ji Jab Ek Ladki Ka Rape Ho Raha Ho Aur Vo Chilla Rahi Ho, Please Mujhe Bhagwan Ke Liye Chhod Do"

Matlab!!!

Baba Se Ek Party Main Unke Ek Naye Naye Bane Bhakat Ne Puchha

Bhakt: "Baba Ji, Ye Sari Ladkiya Darling Darling Kyu Kahti Rahti Hai?"

Baba Ji: "Nadan Bachhe, Vo Jaan Bhuj Ke Esa Karti Hai Aur Angreji Word Use Karti Hai, Par Asal Mein Hindi Mein Uska Matlab Kuch Aur Hota Hai"

Bhakt Hairani Se: "Achhaaa, To Hindi Mein Matlab Kya Hota Hai?"

Baba Muskurate Hue: "Vo Kahna Chahti Hai Ki Dal Ling

Pulse!!!

Not all blondes are dumb :)

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt – though their cars are written off.

As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible both our cars are demolished but we're fine.

It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'

Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.

Snowstorm!!!

Why is a man like a snowstorm?

Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Father!!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and says: "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says,: "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies: "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says: "No, actually I'm your son's maths teacher!"

Operation!!!

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Sally replied, "That's me before the operation".

Dentist!!!

A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas.

The man objects again: "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says: "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"

Appointment - OL !!!

How do you cancel an at the sperm bank? Ring up and say you cannot cum.

Wedding anniversary :)

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry and told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, and it better be there!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.