Treatment!!

A Couple in a train

Girl- My Hand Is Paining,

Boy Kisses The Hand,

Girl- My Neck Is Paining,

Boy Kisses The Neck,

An Old Man asks the boy,

Son, Do you also treat Piles.

Valid Question!!

​Dad: Why did the Grammar Teacher slap you yesterday?

Son: Just wanted to clear my doubts... asked her a valid question for which she had no answer so she took out her frustration by being furious violently.

Dad : what was the question ???

Son: I asked her why Bra is Singular when it covers two items & Panties Plural when it covers only one ? '​​

First Installment!!

Girlfriend got into road accident. the girlfriend needed blood to save her life and the boyfriend donated his blood. 

Some times later they broke up and the boyfriend became angry and told the girl to return him back his blood.

Following month the boyfriend got a mail package from the girlfriend. he opened it and it was containing a used pad and a note saying, "I'll be paying your blood monthly, so here's my first installment."

Appendix!!

My Bengali colleague told me today that he had an "Open-Dicks Operation".

I think, he meant Appendix!

Leave!!

A young officer told his Commanding Officer on not being granted leave, Sir, you are now behaving like a Negro's left ball"".

CO: What the heck do you mean?

Officer: Sir, neither you are fair nor you are right!

Eating Bananas!

"Good evening ladies," Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No," Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute," he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

Love and Death!!

A boy ask a question to his friend

Boy: "Bro, just tell me what is love and death."

Friend: "It's so simple, love is when your girlfriend catches you naked with another woman and tells you baby dress up, let's go home we are already late"

And death is "when you follow her home."

End the relationship!!

Girlfriend: "I want to end our relationship, I am going to return everything you gave me"

Boyfriend: "OK, then let's start with kisses"

Rare Erection!!

A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests.

The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room.

Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.

"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel."

"Damn the hotel!" the elderly man spat. "It's the first erection I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep."

Arthritis!!!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, "Arthritis"

Arthritis!!

A drunk man who smelled like whiskey sat down on a bench in a subway station, next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of Jim Beam was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

You tell me...

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held.

The professor passed out a sheets of small paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs.

The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. 

Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written." 

The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?" 

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."

Divorce!!

A man consulted his priest about getting a divorce. The priest was surprised. "Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely wife? She is soft and gentle and, if I may say so, she is also quite beautiful and nicely proportioned. I really can't see what you have to complain about."

The man took off his shoe. "See this shoe," he said, showing it to the priest, "The leather is soft and gentle. It is a beautiful piece of work and nicely proportioned. "

"Ah," said the priest, "a parable."

"In a way, Father," replied the man. "I'm the only one who knows it pinches."

Love vs Lust!!

Lust is, knowing her bra size;

Love is, knowing her shoe size!

Shoe lace & men!!

Quest. Do u know what is common between shoe laces and smart men?

Ans. They keep in touch with several holes simultaneously.

9 Pounds of Gold!!

A husband and wife were very happy over the nine pound baby boy that was born to them. Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of famous newspaper and reported that he had become the proud owner of a nine pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing seemingly extraordinary news, sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown.

When reporter came, Mr.Brown was away and his wife was alone at home....

Reporter: Does Mr.Brown live here?

Mrs. Brown: Oh! yes.

Reporter: Is he in?

Mrs. Brown: No, he went somewhere.

Reporter: Is it true that he owns nine pound nugget of gold?

Mrs. Brown: (Realising the joke) Yes! Indeed.

Reporter: Can I see the place where he found it?

Mrs. Brown: I'm afraid not because Mr.Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.

Reporter: Is the place far?

Mrs. Brown: No, it is quite near and convenient.

Reporter: How many years has Mr.Brown been digging the hole?

Mrs. Brown: Just about two years.

Reporter: Is the hole deep?

Mrs. Brown: Quiet so...

Reporter: At about what time Mr.Brown starts digging?

Mrs. Brown: Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.

Reporter: Does he work hard on it?

Mrs. Brown: You bet....and how he perspires.

Reporter: Is Mr.Brown the first to dig?

Mrs. Brown: He thought he was....

Reporter: How do you know there was someone ahead of him?

Mrs. Brown: I'm in good position to say so, because I own the place.

Reporter: Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr.Brown?

Mrs. Brown: No, but for present he has the legal title to the site.

Reporter: Has Mr.Brown any helper when he works?

Mrs. Brown: Yes, I work under him....

Reporter: When do you think Mr.Brown will sell the place?

Mrs. Brown: I don't think so because he enjoys working on it.

Reporter: Can I see the nine pound nugget of gold?

Mrs. Brown: Yes, certainly...

(She showed him the nine pound baby boy... The reporter had to be taken to the hospital)

Dragons!!

A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest.

He then asked his second daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest.

Two Lips!!!

A Personnel Director was conducting interviews for his new personal assistant. He asked the same question to each one of them.

Boss: A woman normally has lips on two different places. What's the difference between the two?"

First Girl: One is hairy, the other isn't !

Boss: OK, good.

Second Girl: One can talk but the other can't !

Boss: That's better!

Third Girl: One is vertical & the other is horizontal!"

Boss: Hmm.. clever !

Last Girl: One is for my use & the other is for my Boss!

Boss: You are Hired!!!

Little Johnny - In-definitely!!!

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher was giving a vocabulary lesson. The word of the day was "indefinitely." She asked if any of the children could use it in a sentence.

Little Johnny's hand shot straight up, but she chose another student, "Indefinitely. The clouds stretched indefinitely across the sky."

"Very good, Veronica. How about another, Timmy?"

"I waited in line for the bus indefinitely.

" "Another excellent example. Thank you."

Johnny was really going crazy and finally the teacher decided to call on him, he seemed so much to want to contribute.

"By the way my balls banged against her buttocks I knew I was in definitely."

Little Johnny - Elements!!

The Science teacher asked Little Johnny in class, "Can you name name all the elements."

"Well, there's air, then's there's water," said Little Johnny, "and fire, there's also earth....and yes, there's screwing."

The teacher reacted in disbelief, "That's the most dirty thing to say, Little Johnny, what in Heaven's name made you say it was one of the elements?"

"Ah, I overheard my mother telling her friends," answered Little Johnny, "She said when my father gets to screwing, he's really in his element

Confession :)

​A married man's honest confession :

​​"I always read my wife's Horoscope to see what kind of day i'm going to have"

Psychology class!!

Professor Moody's 's hands were in his trouser pockets while he was teaching Psychology in class.

Some girls in the back row started giggling.

Professor Moody was quick to comment, "What is in your minds is not in my hands."

Manager's dislikes!!

Tom, was a sale representative working for an electronics company. On visiting a prospective customer, he offered a box of cigars to the Key accounts manager as a gift.

"No, thanks," said the Key accounts manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it."

Tom, hoping to clinch a sale, offered to take the Key accounts manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks," the Key accounts manager replied. "Well, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."

Tom rolled his eyes, and then glancing out of the office window, saw a golf course.

"I suppose you play golf," said Tom. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"That's kind of you, but no, thanks," the Key accounts manager said. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

Just then a young man entered the office.

"Let me introduce my son, Jason," said the plant manager.

"Let me guess," Tom said sarcastically, "An only child?"

The Cockpit!

As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary joystick..."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?" asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess.

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are all women in command."

"I must see this for myself," said the passenger. 'Please take me to the cockpit."

"We don't call it that any more, sir," replied the stewardess.

Satisfy!!

Jack: Is it possible to ever satisfy a woman completely?

Benny: Not possible unless god gifts man with a Chocolate pen*s that ejaculates dollars!

Innocent!!

Women always need a reason, season, mood, emotion, comfort etc. to be happy...

.

.

.

Men are not like that, they are very simple. They just need a woman to be happy. How innocent are these creatures!

Dreams :)

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."