Massive Hangover!!!

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover  and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.

He thinks to himself,"Uh oh. What happened last night?" He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown.

Again he thinks, "What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wildparty," making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence. He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag."

This is not the time!!!

New Drug!!!

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that he is having a hard time achieving an orgasm so the doctor gives him VIAGRA. Then he gives him a new drug that just came on the market.

The patient says isn't the VIAGRA enough?

And the doctor says the VIAGRA will give you an erection but the new drug NIAGARA will make you come like a waterfall!!!!

Pancakes!!!

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little son appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small weenie

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

Looking Back!!!

A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door. He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron on, so the husband gets a big hard on and starts humping his wife doggy style. When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard on her head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed, "Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"

The husband looked at her and angrily says, "For not looking back to see who it is"

Brains!!!!

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

Flower Vase!!!

So this woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her but she doesn't care. She is busy doing her thing around the house.

All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the expensive ones...from her husband.

She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh SHIT!"

The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't like roses?"
 
She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means???"

He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"

She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air."

He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase???"*

Bunch of flowers!!!

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girl's house one afternoon and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.

Instead to taking them she lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "This is for the flowers."

Paul looks at her and says, "Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

DO YOU HATE SOMEONE?

A kindergarten teacher  decided to let her class play a game.

The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes.Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates,So the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates.

So when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes. The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go (even to the toilet) for 1 week.

Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes. Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended....

The teacher asked: "How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for 1 week?". The children let out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.

Then the teacher told them the  meaning of the same in actual life . The teacher said: "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???"

Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take!

Little Girl :)

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugar Brown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

Running!!!

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condy when you run?'

'Nope...just when it's raining.'

Little Johnny & Grandma!!!

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter.

"I have to make pee pee", wailed Little Johnny.

"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."

"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."

"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly."

"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." replied Little Johnny.

OWLS!!!!

1st Lady: What do You Think About Husbands?
2nd Lady: They are Like OWLS.
1st Lady: Why?
2nd Lady: They can see the Good Things in a Wife only at night

Problems :)

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.  "What food might this contain?"  The mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed this warning:
"There is a mousetrap in the house!  There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the goat and told him,"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

 
The goat sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose." So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap . . . Alone
 
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- the sound Of a mousetrap catching  its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it. It was a venomous snake whose tail was caught in the trap. The snake bit the farmer's wife.The farmer rushed her to the hospital. When she returned home she still had a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup.So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient: But his wife's sickness continued. Friends and neighbors came to sit  with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the goat.

But, alas, the farmer's wife did not get well... She died.

So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them for the funeral luncheon. And the mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and you think it doesn't concern you, remember –

When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another and protect the life of each other...

So Protect & promote Life.(Stand for Prolife)

Salesman!!!

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my a*s."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more a*s this month, I'm going to lose my car."

Condy!!!!

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condy, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: 'What's that?'
Lady 2: 'A Condy.'
Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'
Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condy. The guy looks at her skin of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter, she replies, "As long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

Thirty Left!!!

A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times.

He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your weenie is burned out; you only have 30 erections left"

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

Nap :)

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with non-stop chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

SUV !!!

Two old guys were chatting.... .

One said to the other:

"The wife gave me an SUV for birthday".

Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!!...... Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Blind(s) Man!!!!

On a hot summer day, two nuns - both young, blonde and beautiful — are working in the church library putting away books. After working feverishly to get the job done, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I can't take this heat anymore! Do you think it would be all right if we removed our shirts to cool off while we worked?"

The second nun, feeling the heat herself, decides that it would be acceptable since no one else was present. She locked the door and closed the curtains, and then the two nuns removed their shirts and kept working. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" asks the first nun.

"It's the blind man," says the voice behind the door.

"Well, a blind man can't see our nakedness. We can let him in," the other nun says, and opens the door.

"Wow!" says the blind man, "Nice t!ts! I gotta run back to the truck. Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

Finger!!!

Judy, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend." gushes Judy. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when it crashed down and cut off a finger!"
"My god!" shrieks Carol. "Did it cut off his WHOLE finger!?"
"No, thank goodness," sniffs Judy. "But it was the one just next to it!"

--

Counter-balance complexity with simplicity.

9 Questions & Answers :)

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3.. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar . Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S .'


Answers:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls . (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons : Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season . When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon,semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe,question mark, exclamation point , quotation mark , brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked,or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes,socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts