Top 10 of Everything..FYI

 Top 10 of Everything

COUNTRIES

  

     

  

  

  

  

    

  

  

VACATIONS

  

  

AUTOMOBILES

  

  

BUSINESS & CONSUMERISM

  

  

  

MISCELLANEOUS

  

SPECIFIC TO THE U.S.

   

Management Lesson :)

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management-training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping.

Today's Manager :)

Bear Hunting!!!!

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we make love."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough Love."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Firemen!!!

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Mattea has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.

Chief Mattea says, "What the hell is going on?"

Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."

The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"

Olson says, "I did, Chief. That's how this shit got started."

Couple!!!

My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we noticed an adult couple in the bleachers.
They were being VERY affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear.
He had his hands on her chest. I said to my boyfriend,
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
He said, "Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."

Life before computers..

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
And a keyboard was on a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
And a CD was a bank account
And if you had a corrupted disk
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was what you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
A hard drive was a trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to the commode!
Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,
Pasting, you did with glue.
The Web was where a spider lived
And a virus was the flu!

Parrot :)

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, "He has a card up his sleeve" or "He has a dove in his pocket."

One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

Good Advice!!!!

Maury and Pauly were in the barn, and Pauly was relating his quandary:

"I don't know what decision I should make. I'm currently being pursued by a 23-year-old aspiring model who hasn't
got a dime to her name and also by a 69-year-old widow with bazillions of dollars."

"Hmmm," said Maury. "In your place, I wouldn't hesitate a second. With your age and looks, it's obvious that you're
never again in your lifetime going to get the attention of a 23-year-old, even if she is broke and only an aspiring
model. What counts is youth and beauty. In your place, I'd send the old bat off and then set up housekeeping with the
beauty."

"You're right!" says Pauly. "It's just amazing how friends can see the situation so clearly and offer such good advice."

"No problem," says Maury, "but could you give me that widow's name and number?"

Indian Soldier!!!!

An Indian joins the army. As he can't speak English, his friend joins with him to act as translator. After training
they are sent to war and soon find themselves in the heat of battle. After a short skirmish they are separated.

The non-English speaking Indian ends up in a fox hole with three huge marines.

The first marine says to the rest, "I'm not waiting here to be killed I'm gonna try to make it back to the rest of the
troops."

He then jumps out of the foxhole and starts to run across the field. He gets about fifty yards before he is cut in half by machine gun fire.

The second marine says, "I agree with him. I'm gonna try to make it back."

He jumps out of the hole and starts to run. Twenty yards out he steps on a mine and is blown to bits.

The third and largest marine says, "The hell with this I'm gonna wait here for the troops to save us."

After trying to talk to the Indian he soon realizes he doesn't speak English. Thinking Indians know sign language he again tries to communicate.

Walking his fingers across his hand he asks the Indian, "Are you in the infantry?"

The Indian just looks at him.

Then putting two fingers together and bringing down in an arc he asks, "Are you with the paratroopers?"

Still no response.

This time he puts one finger between two on the other hand and says, "Boom, boom, are you with artillery?"

Again no response.

The marine says, "I know", putting his hands over his eyes to mimic using binoculars he says, "you're with reconnaissance,right?"

With this the Indian jumps out of the hole and runs like hell He zigzags back and forth through the field using any cover he can find till finally he makes it back to his squad.

There he finds his Indian friend.

His friend asks, "Are you crazy you could have been killed?"

The Indian replies, "My chances better in field than that foxhole! In the last foxhole, a big marine tell me, 'When
troops go home and moon go down him gonna screw my ass till eyes bug out!'"

I just did that :)

A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately there is a pile of shit just outside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.

A great, big, bear of a man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

The big guy punches him in the mouth.

Bee!!!

Lady golfer storms angrily into club house.
Golf PRO: What's wrong?
Lady: Got stung by a bee.
PRO: Where?
Lady: Between the 1st and 2nd hole!
--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

THE WEDDING TEST!!!

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car :)

Heart Burn - OL :))

Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Next time, take off the candles."

Wondering what OL is in the Subject : It's One Liner :))))))

--
"Chance favors the prepared mind."

Interesting story!!!!

A young journalism graduate from University had gone to work for the Local newspaper. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer replied, "One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it."

"I can't print that," said the reporter, "Is there another event that made you really happy?" Farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy."

Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"
Farmer hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once."

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

Friend's of Women and Men!!!!

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there

Two Bros!!

The two young brothers watched through a keyhole as their older sister got in on with her boyfriend.

"Oh, Jim," she moaned. "You're about to go where no man has gone before!"

One brother looked at the other and snickered, "Well, I guess he's gonna screw her in the ass."

Dumb Salesman!!!

A furniture salesman decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in the States.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Truth!!

A man and his wife are watching a pay-per-view boxing match on TV. After a first round knock-out the husband sighs and says, "What a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!"

The wife replies, "Now you know how I feel."

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

Landing Area!!!

A young lady went to a dance and she had a low-cut strapless gown on.
Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. All night she noticed a young man staring at her.
In her embarrassment she held up the airplane and said "Oh you like my airplane huh?"
The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am... I was just admiring the landing area."

Love Line!!!!

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."

Fact -OL!!!!

After Monday & Tuesday even the calender says W T F :)

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

Getting Married :)

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"Oh, I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Test!!!

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doctor replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue.

If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'.....

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

The Visit!!!

A guy finally decides to get a prostitute for the first time. After she strips he notices something;

Guy: "How come you're ginger up there but black down there?"

Prostitute: "Have you ever hit your thumb with a hammer? What colour does it turn?"

Guy: "Black, why?"

Prostitute: "Well you should see the hammering this thing gets..

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

Parrot :)

So this guy goes into a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot but it has a blue string handing from one foot and a red one from the other. He thinks this is a little strange so he asks the shopkeeper what the strings are for.

"Well this is a highly trained parrot" the shopkeeper replies.

"If you pull the red string he talks in French, if you pull the blue string he talks in English".

"Wow" exclaims the man shopping that's really neat "What happens if you pull them both at the same time?"

"I fall off my perch you idiot!" exclaims the parrot.

Secretary!!!!

The pretty young secretary had been transferred to the company's Dallas office.

"We operate the same here in Dallas as you did in Detroit," her boss told her.

"Alright then," she answered. "Pull your pants down so I can get started."

Restroom!!!!

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?'
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender.
'But, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'Every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out!'

Potentially and Realistically!!!

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?"

To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars."

So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!"

So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so fine, of course I would!"

Then last he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?"

So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically"

"Tell me, what's the difference?" says the father.

"Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"

Gogalas :)

India's googly on Google :)

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically
what is your own"

Everyone in the family!!!

"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife now has it too."

"Goddamn!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

Check-up!!!

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer? "
The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay...let' s try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either.

Pay Rise!!!

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'?

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora ...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?

Important Men In A Woman’s Life

The Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life

1. THE DOCTOR: because he says, "Take your clothes off."

2. THE DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide."

3. THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?".

4. THE MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE STOCK BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again."

7. THE BANKER: because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

8. THE HUNTER: because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.

9. THE TELEPHONE GUY: because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

Cocktail bar!!!!

This guy goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a lady sitting by herself.

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread."

Ears!!!!

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vaginal lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Who is the third rose from?" she asked

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

In the middle of the forest!!!!

A man and a woman started to make love in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says,"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!"
The woman says,"Me too, you've been eating grass for the last 10 minutes."

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically what is your own"

The Cork!!!!

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one  guy notices the other has a cork in his buttock. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."

"I don't understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish." And I said, "No shit."

absent-minded professor :)

One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."

Predictably, he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"

He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Would you know which way it went?"

She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."

Podiatrist!!

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist.

Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."

Second best thing

Define contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid
pregnancy.

--
"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless and add specifically
what is your own"

Doctors!!!

A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached."

The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says.

"That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man.

The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

Astrologer!!!

A pregnant lady went to an astrologer.
Astrologer: When you deliver a baby, baby's father will die.
Lady: Thank god! My husband is safe!

Diwali Wishes!!!!

May the festival of lights be the harbinger of joy and prosperity.

 

As the holy occasion of Diwali is here and the atmosphere is filled with the spirit of mirth and love, here's hoping this festival of beauty brings your way, bright sparkles of contentment, that stay with you through the days ahead.

Best wishes on Diwali and New year to you and your family

 

Phani Shankar

Divorce Very funny!!!!

Young Banker :)

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Have you ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

Missed a jokes, read here --->>>

That’s my business!!!

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends on how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

Advice!!!

A white guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his black buddy at work for advice.

"Listen," said the inept white guy, "I know you soul brothers always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"

"Oh, dat ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I does is stick it in 'em real slow, and then pull it out from 'em real fast. Keep doin' that and dey come every time."

The white guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out. He stuck it in real slow, and then pulled it out real fast, just like his buddy said. After a while he
asked his wife, "Honey, do notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"

"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like black guy."

Santa!!!!!

Santa's father gave him a gun on wedding night & said: Fire in air if your wife is virgin, shoot her if not.
Santa fired in air 1st night & shot her 2nd night.

Birth Control!!!

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That bitch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Absent Minded :)

Absent-minded professor - Heavens! someone stole my wallet.

Wife- Did'nt you feel a hand in your pocket?

Professor- I did, but I thought it was mine

Did you hear about the absent-minded doctor who, on his wedding day, when it came to put the ring on the wife's finger, started checking the pulse rate and asked her to stick out her tongue?

Nurse - You've just become the father of a baby boy!

Professor - Don't tell my wife, I want to surprise her.

Did you hear about the absent-minded person who stood in front of the mirror for hours together wondering where he had seen himself before.

Missed a joke, read from the archive section ->>>>

Famous Quote!!!

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.

They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

Never Learn :)

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

Murphy's Laws on Girls :)

1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that

2. The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!

3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...

4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."

5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.

6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now, when you are committed.

7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.

8. Theory of relativity: The more u run towards a hot chick... the more she goes away from u.

9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... Just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend.

Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1

10. The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-

1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3. Have a bad hair day

11. All the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with u and ruin ur money, health and leave u a total wreck.

12. The more seriously u like a girl... the more seriously her dad will hate u.

Short Joke : Man's Ego

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego…
A.) "Is it in?"

Social Security!!!

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"

Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."

"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.

"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on.

Mahabharata retold, tweet by tweet

For those who are using Twitter, you can follow the Mahabharata retold, tweet by tweet

An ancient Indian epic about princes, demigods and a cataclysmic war is getting a makeover on Twitter —140 characters at a time.

Chindu Sreedharan, a UK-based lecturer, is retelling the Mahabharata using the micro-blogging service, hoping to lure readers with creative snippets posted in chronological order.

"This is not quite about capturing the philosophical richness of the original Mahabharata — but presenting a version that will, hopefully, suit the medium," Sreedharan, 36, said in an e-mail interview.

The Sanskrit epic, one of Hinduism's crucial texts, deals with a dynastic struggle for power that ends in victory for the righteous. It is regarded as an allegorical lesson in righteous living integral to much of India's cultural consciousness.

While the original Mahabharata has a main narrator, Sreedharan's version (twitter.com/epicretold) is told from the point of view of Bhima, one of the five Pandava brothers who triumph over their hundred Kaurava cousins in battle.

Such was the appeal of the Mahabharata that when it was first adapted for television in the 1980s, it managed to empty city streets, forced changes in train timings and got actors elected as members of parliament.

http://www.financialexpress.com/printer/news/498994/

Payment for treatment :)

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital .

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Blonde Joke :)

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. "So, Miss," the interviewer asks, "Can you tell us your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying, "Um... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her  handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head, checks the measurement, and announces, "Five foot  two."

This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something she won't have to count, measure, or look up. "Just to confirm our records, what is your name, please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something to herself, before replying, "Jenny."

The interviewer is completely baffled, so he asks, "What did you do when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the airhead, "I was just running through that song, you know: 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"