HEIGHTS OF COMMUNICATION GAP!!!!

Mr. Babu comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to
have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs.Babu receives a telephone call from K.S.E.B. (Kerala State Electricity Board) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs. Babu?"
"Yes...... speaking"
KSEB guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the KSEB guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files......HOW?????"
"Yes ... We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD!!!!!!.. ....... This is too much........ .."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders...... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow"

That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to KSEB office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at KSEB, "it'snothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a CANDLE."

Survey!!!!

We recently conducted a survey as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising.

10 percent of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.

10 percent of the men preferred women with thin thighs.

And the other 80 percent preferred what's in-between.

Irresistible Irony :)

About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again.
Unsure how to begin, I thought I'd scan the personals column of my local newspaper.
I came across three men who seemed like they'd be promising candidates.
A couple of days later, I was checking my answering machine and discovered a message from my ex-husband.
"I was over visiting the kids yesterday," he said. "While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper.
Don't bother calling the guy in the second column.
I can tell you right now it won't work out.
That guy is me."

Outdated MSN Web Messenger To Die On 30 June!

Monday, June 29, 2009: The software giant Microsoft has finally
decided to shut down its veteran web-based messenger service 'MSN Web
Messenger' on 30 June 2009. MSN Web Messenger launched back in August
2004. In fact, the company will replace the old messenger platform MSN
by the new IM in the Windows Live Hotmail.

"With new web-based instant messaging (IM) now available in Windows
Live Hotmail worldwide, we are preparing to retire MSN Web Messenger.
The old MSN Web Messenger experience will end on June 30, 2009,"
states Windows Live blog.

With Hotmail's new web-based IM, you can chat from your Hotmail inbox
or contact list, instead of going to MSN Web Messenger. Go directly to
the Windows Live People page and sign into Messenger (orange arrow in
the picture below) to continue instant messaging on the web with your
Messenger friends.

"Instant messaging from Hotmail makes it easier to communicate and
share in new ways in comparison to MSN Web Messenger," the company
claims. "Give it a try! We hope that you'll enjoy Hotmail's web-based
IM, the new version of Messenger on the web."

MSN Web Messenger is one of the last remaining MSN branded web
applications still available, with other online services such as
Hotmail and software such as Messenger itself having moved to the
Windows Live brand several years ago, reports Neowin.

In addition to MSN Messenger, June 30 is also the last date for
Microsoft Money, Microsoft Encarta and Windows Live OneCare.

Communication!!!!

The Indian Lover, a virile middle aged Indian gentlemen named Guluh was relaxing at his favorite bar in Mumbai when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guluh reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guluh smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guluh reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guluh fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian"

Insurance!!!!

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and  we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

Lady aspirant!!!!

The Boss to a lady aspirant to the post of a Secretary:
Boss: "What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"
Lady: "I do not know. I have never been paper clipped"

Imagination!!!!

A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.

She replied, "You mean like imagine that it's good?"

Meera Nair!!!!

Meera Nair made a movie on lesbians and named it Fire.Wat will she name a movie on gays? Back Fire?

The usual Banta -------------------------

Banta to his wife: Life after marriage to you has become like a dog.

Wife: How can you compare yourself to a dog? Dog sticks and maintains for an hour and you start farting in a minute

Raped by an Elephant !!!!!

A man goes to a doctor and says "What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!" The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. "That's funny!" He says "your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had thin long dicks?" The man says "Yeah but he fingered me first!"

First & second honeymoon!!!!

Difference between 1st and 2nd honeymoon:

First Honeymoon - Niagra
Second Honeymoon - Viagra

Several proposals :)

"And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you," said the husband.
"Yes, several," the wife replied.
"Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed."
"I did!"

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Hang Low!!!!

Q: What did one boob say to the other?
A: Don't hang so low, they'll think we're nuts.

Night classes :)

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:

Raman: Narayan, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Narayan: oh!

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "Confessions" , if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Joe Fernandes?

Raman: No

Narayan: He's the guy fooling with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.

Grief!!!

A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence visit the day after the friend's wife of 30 years has died.

When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having love with the maid.

"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!"

His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. 
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!

Answers!!

TO MY DEAR WIFE: 
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. 

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten  days.  The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 

54 times the sheets were clean 
17 times it was too late 
49 times you were too tired 
20 times it was too hot 
15 times you pretended to be asleep 
22 times you had a headache 
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 
16 times you said you were too sore 
12 times it was the wrong time of the month 
19 times you had to get up early 
9 times you said weren't in the mood 
7 times you were sunburned 
6 times you were watching the late show 
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us 
9 times you said your mother would hear us 

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory  because: 
6 times you just laid there 
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move 

KEEP READING....... 

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: 

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you  didn't get more than you did: 

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 
36 times you did not come home at all 
21 times you didn't cum 
33 times you came too soon 
19 times you went soft before you got in 
38 times you worked too late 
10 times you got cramps in your toes 
29 times you had to get up early to play golf 
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 
2 times you had a splinter in your finger 
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book 
98 times you were too busy watching TV 

Of the times we did get together: 

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. 
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, 
'Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?' 
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Nothing to worry about!!!

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"

"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher.

"Forty." she replies.

"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?"

The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

"Oh, yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?"

The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant…"

Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Child's Father :)

A man and his wife were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "We've been married so long, sweetheart, I hope you feel you can ask
me anything you want. After all this time I want us to be completely open in our relationship."

The husband replies, "Okay, there is one thing that has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before…but I have noticed that all six
of our children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father."

Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay, I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?"

Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, "YOU"

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Rooster!!!!

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?

"The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins! gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance,

Old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later.

The young rooster takes off running after him. They round the Front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch. When he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Profession!!!!!

Three guys were on a trip to Middle East. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your weenie off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man.
"Then we will burn your weenie off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Affair again!!!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary "

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

Burglar :)

"Get this." said one drinker to his friends at the bar, "Last  night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house"

"Did he get anything." his friends asked.

"yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Complain!!!!!

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you; I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's thing in your mouth?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

Baldness!!!

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does…"

Surgery!!!!

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

For Sale :)

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50.00″. The next day someone stole it.

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Closet!!!!

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is..'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..Wait For It !!

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now..'

Weighing Scale :)

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

'Pick me up.'

This bloke is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting on the river bank the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' 

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. 

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' 

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me & I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious & jealous because I will be your bride!' 

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, & placed it in his front pocket. 

Then the frog said, 'What, are you barking mad? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' 

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nope!at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

Counting!!!

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question.

So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"

The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven!"

The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

So the little boy puts his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven!"

Kangaroo!!!

An conservative American woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian out-back and they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to pre-pare herself. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman, but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

Habit!!

Two guys talking in a bar: "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing 'til 5 a.m.?" the pal asked.

"Waiting for me to get home."

Job Benefits :)

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.
The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance,
but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years
salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full
premiums."
"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such
benefits," the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

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