Criteria :)

​Male criteria for life partner - They expect their women to look like "Miss Universe" and work like"Shanta Bai..."

Females' criteria for life partner- They expect their man to earn like Ambani  & behave like Manmohan Singh.

FEELINGS :)

​If a man is allowed to select a girl from 100 girls and even if he picks the most beautiful girl,he still FEELS the PAIN of losing the remaining NINETY NINE... and Women says... men don't have FEELINGS......

Little Johnny - No More Shake Please...

Little Johnny was in trouble again.....He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming.

As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny organ for all to see.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is mature?"

Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."

"WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!

Hooker!!

Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

"Twenty pounds," she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the cop.

"I'm making love to me wife," Murphy answers sounding annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well, neither did I, till you flashed that bloody light in her face!"

Girls have!!

What do girls have,on both left & right sides,round in shape, shake while walking, differ in size & color from woman to woman and starts with the letter "B" and ends with letter "S"?

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It's "Bangles". 

Quickie!!

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

Difference -OL!!

Difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.

Little Johnny - Future Plans...

Teacher: Little Johnny! What do you want to be when you grow up.

Little Johnny: I want to be a rich man who will be spending money on new phones, laptops moving around with cars of the moment and flying around the world with a beautiful bitch by my side and fu@cki...

Teacher: Stop that nonsense Little Johnny! Mary tell the class what you want to be when you grow up.

Mary: I want to be Johnny's BITCH..

Mourn :)

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. 

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The first man approached him and said,

"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. 

For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"

The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"

Circumcision!!

A Doctor who was late for a golf game was rather short tempered with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.

The next day his secretary said "Doctor, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."

At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.

"Who was that?" asked the Doctor.

"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."

Curtains!!

A woman phones her blonde neighbor and says, "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are making love. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blonde replies, "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Newgen Love!!

Please come-over to MySpace. We shall Google each other and you can Pinterest me and I shall Twitter you till we both Yahoo when I come over your Facebook!

Obscene caller!!

Obscene caller: Hi baby, if you can guess what's in my hand I will let you have it.

Lady: Listen, if you can hide it in one hand then I am not interested!

Devil :)

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. 

One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

Miniskirt!!

A good discussion should be like a miniskirt: 

Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject.

​ Texan Cowboy!!

​

​​

​A Big

​​

Texan Cowboy, Stopped at a Local Restaurant in Spain.

He noticed a Sizzling, Scrumptious looking Platter being Served at the next Table.It looked Good & Smelt Wonderful.

He asked the Waiter,​​'What's that you served? They look like Spanish Oysters!'

Waiter: 'Senor, You have EXCELLENT Taste! 

Those are not Oysters... They are called Cojones de Toro, Bull's Testicles, from the Bull Fight this Morning.

A Rare Delicacy!'

Cowboy : 'What the Heck, I'll Try it.'

Waiter : 'I'm so Sorry Senor. There's only one Serving per day

​because

 there's only one Bull Fight each morning.

Tomorrow, if

​you 

come Early and place your order, we will be sure to save

​you 

this Delicacy.'

Next Morning, the Cowboy Placed his Order.

That Evening, He was Served, the one and only Special Delicacy of the day. 

​​

After a few Bites, Inspecting his Platter,he called the Waiter & said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much Smaller than the Ones I saw you serve Yesterday.'

The Waiter shrugged his Shoulders & replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the Bull Wins & the man loses !' 

Appraisal!!

​​If you don't get a good appraisal in spite of giving your best, don't be disheartened. Even condoms are thrown away after 100% result oriented performance. 

Date-OL!!

​A good date ends with dinner. An awesome date ends with breakfast!

Parameters!!

​

Women have the same parameters for Men and Pizza delivery people. They are disappointed if they come before 30 minutes!

Never -OL :)

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Horoscope :)

Before Marriage, both the bride and groom will compare their 'Horoscope' for happy life.

After Marriage, both of them, lives in HORRO or without SCOPE

Most romantic line!!

World's most romantic line ever said by a girl to her boyfriend:

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..

...

....

Achha Baba... Karlo!

Little Johnny - Holes!!!!

Mr. Dickson asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole. Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer. 

"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero." "This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole." "Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children. 

The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson ,my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole.

"Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"

Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"

​​

Constipated!!

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the back with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

Permanent!!

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said, "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is one third ownership in the store and 3000 Dollars a month in living expenses."

Get wet!!

Pappu: My girlfriend just texted me saying, "I want you to get me wet when I get home"!

Bunty: That's cool.

Pappu: Yeah! I've got 15 water balloons ready... CAN'T WAIT!

Typical Narad Muni :)

NARAD SAYS TO ALL WIVES :- If your husband sends you romantic messages then be very happy, but think who is sending those messages to your husband ? 

My job is over .......

Narayan Narayan !!!