Woodwork Class!!

A young Blonde enrolls for a Woodwork Class. On the first day of the school term the teacher was surprised to see a rather prim young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Sarah and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.

The bemused teacher asked Sarah if she was sure she was in the right class. Sarah assured him that she was.

The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"

"What exactly do you mean?" Sarah asked.

"Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the teacher expounded

After pondering for a moment, Sarah admitted, "I really cannot say, since I've never been 'bolted' before!"

Invoice!!

Mr.Runwal wanted some clarifications in an Invoice that was given to him. He asked his secretary, Lily for help.

 

He said to her, "If I give you 45000 dollars less 12.36% service tax, how much would you take off?"

Lily promptly replied, "Everything but my necklace."

The Insemination Man!!

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple, by the nail over its stall," Maggie explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "To hang your trousers on."

Little Johnny- Praying!!

The neighbors had come over for dinner at Little Johnny's place. As they sat down for dinner, father asked Little Johnny to do the prayers.

Johnny replied, "But dad, I'm scared."

His Dad told him to just be honest and say what he felt best.

So as everyone joined hands, Johnny began:

"Dear Lord, thank you for bringing the kid who ate my cookies. Please bless them him with food so that he doesn't take mine. Also forgive his elder brother who undressed my sister and started wrestling with her. I'm sure he won't do that again. Speaking of clothes, I want you to bless all the naked women on my dad's phone with clothes. Seriously, they need it. And lastly, I want you to provide shelter to the homeless man who sleeps with my mom when dad goes to work. Thank you."

No one had dinner that day.

Regular Coffee Please

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself.

Soon, the waitress came over to take his order, "...and to drink?" she asked.

The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.

"Oh my God; I am so sorry!!!"

"That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, was this regular or decaf?"

"Regular," she replied.

"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night..."

Blonde on a Date!!

A blonde went out on a date with her boyfriend to the movies. After the movie he took her to quite romantic mountain, parked the car and started to kiss her.

As things progressed they started fondling each other. Before long they were ready to make love. He asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.

She said, "No."

He unbuttoned her blouse and began fondling and once again he asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.

Again she said, "No!"

As more and more of her clothing came off he became really hot and excited. Once again he asked her, "Would you like to get in the back seat?"

And again she said, "No!"

Frustrated he asked, "Why not?"

To which she replied, "I want to stay in the front seat with you."

Fries!!

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.

She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."

Helping Hand!!!

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses as well as the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, the girls went with one teacher, and the boys went with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys thought it would be best if she waited outside for them, until one of the little boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting each one up, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. Upon lifting and assisting the last little boy, she notices he was unusually well endowed.

"You must be in the 5th grade," she says to the boy.

"No, ma'am, I'm not." came the reply. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I sure do appreciate your help!

The Newlyweds!!

A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."

A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage.

"Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."

"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my teeth's fillings loose."

Undoing!!

A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra.

That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.

Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.

For a change!!

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.

The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

Wrong Location!!

A guy came out of his local pub. Across the road was a brothel. He looked in his wallet and had enough money so he crossed the road.

Being rather intoxicated, he staggered diagonally across and went through the wrong door, and into the Chiropody clinic next door. He went to the girl in reception and said how much is it for the full treatment ?

She replied, "Sir, it's 25 pounds."

He said, "25 Quid ? Blimey that's not bad !"

She smiled at him and said, "OK sir if you go in and take them out She'll be in in a moment to deal with you.

Two minutes later a young female chiropodist walked into the room and there was the guy with his genitalia on the table waiting.

"Hey !!!" She yelled. "That isn't a FOOT."

He looked at her and said, "Bloody Hell Lass GIVE IT TIME !"

Unique name!!

Rita bought a racehorse and named him Myface.

Her friend Dolly commented, "Isn't that a strange name for a horse? What are you going to do with him?"

Rita replied, "He is one of the fastest horses in the circuit. But I have not bought him for his speed. I don't mind if he does not win any races."

Dolly was very confused and asked, "Then what have you bought him for?"

Rita replied, "I will get utmost satisfaction when I hear those posh snobbish women scream, "Come on, Myface!"

Fanny Batter!!!

A guy went to see his doctor regarding his receding hairline.

The doc looked him over and said, "Well... are you married ?"

"Yes, I am" said the guy.

So the doctor looked at him and said, "OK here's what you need to do. Every night finger your missus and rub some of the fanny batter on your head and the hair will grow Back. I guarantee it."

The guy looked at the doctor and said, "But Doc You're as bald as an EGG !"

Doctor said, "Know mate but LOOK at my Mustache!!!"

Prisoner!!

As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"

"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have it from the rear?"

"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN'"

Chasing :)

Sam was taking a stroll down the street when he noticed a crowd running in his direction.

He stopped one of the men and asked, "What's going on? Why is everyone running?"

The man replied, "A tiger has escaped the zoo and is running loose."

Sam asked, "Oh my God! Which way is it headed?"

The man replied sarcastically, "You can't possibly be thinking we are chasing it!!"

Same logic!!

Laurel : Why do we guys chase girls we do not plan to marry?

Hardy : The explanation is the same as dogs chasing cars which they don't intend to drive.

Cheating Wife!!

Maurice comes home one day to find his wife Hannah, an English teacher, in bed with his best friend.

"Darling," Maurice cries, "how could you? After all the years we've been together, I come home from work to find you like this. I am really surprised."

"No, no, my dear," says Hannah, "you are amazed. I am surprised."

Something Different!

A salesman, who getting ready for his next trip, asks his wife to include a condom in his suitcase. His wife instantly asks, "Why???"

He replies, "Just a reminder of the bad things out there, in case I want to try something different."

She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks, swings it in the air, and WHAM !!!! swings it up between his balls..... After much pain, and gathering his composure, asks.... "Why the hell did you do that?"

She replies, "Just a reminder of the bad things out there, in case you want to try something different."

Night Stay!!!

There was a group of army men marching down a road at night looking for a place to stay. They came upon a farm house and knocked on the door. A old farmer answered, the Sargent asked if they could spend the night. The man said yes but he only had room for one man.

The Sergeant yelled out to Private Peters, "You spend the night here and we will go down the road and find the rest of us a place to stay."

They went on down the road and came upon a whorehouse where they proceeded to knock on the door.

A women leaned out the window and asked, "What do you want?"

The Sergeant replied, "We need a place to stay."

The women asked, "How many are there of you?"

The Sergeant said, "39 without Peters."

The women then said, "Well, grease your fingers and come on in boys....."

Nail With a Large Head!!

A young, attractive woman decides to hang one of her favorite pictures on her wall and asks her father what she needs to do.

He says to hammer a nail with a large head on it into the wall where she wants her picture to be located.

After searching endlessly for a "nail with a large head on it" she gives up and goes out to buy one.

When she reaches the store she sees an old dirty looking man with his eyes popped out of his head once she entered. Not knowing her way around a hardware store she is forced to ask him for help.

"Do you have a nail with a large head on it?"

He answers, "I have something with a large head that would be happy to nail you....."

Little Johnny - Field Trip!!

Little Johnny's class is on a field trip to the farm.

The teacher asks, "Can anyone tell the class what that is?" (pointing)

Mary replies, "That is a sheep, it has wool."

The teacher said, "Very good, Mary. Now who knows what that is?" (pointing)

Freddie answered, "That's a cow. It gives milk."

This repeats for all the animals and most of the implements of the farm. Finally the teacher points at an object on the barn roof and asks, "And who knows what that is?"

Little Johnny says, "That's a weathercock. It tells the wind direction."

The teacher replied, "And why is it called a weathercock?"

Little Johnny said "Cause if it was a weathercunt, the wind would blow right through it."

Boy & Girl!!

In the hospital, a little boy and a little girl were born. The little boy said to the little girl, "I am a boy and you are a girl."

The little girl asked, "How do you know??"

The little boy said, "Let the doctor & nurse leave the room. I will show you."

When they were alone, the little boy lifted his gown and said, "See for yourself...i have blue shoes and you have pink."

Big breaths!!

​At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

"Big breaths..." I instructed.

"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.