Massive Hangover!!!

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover  and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.

He thinks to himself,"Uh oh. What happened last night?" He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown.

Again he thinks, "What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wildparty," making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence. He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag."

This is not the time!!!

New Drug!!!

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that he is having a hard time achieving an orgasm so the doctor gives him VIAGRA. Then he gives him a new drug that just came on the market.

The patient says isn't the VIAGRA enough?

And the doctor says the VIAGRA will give you an erection but the new drug NIAGARA will make you come like a waterfall!!!!

Pancakes!!!

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little son appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small weenie

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

Looking Back!!!

A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door. He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron on, so the husband gets a big hard on and starts humping his wife doggy style. When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard on her head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed, "Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"

The husband looked at her and angrily says, "For not looking back to see who it is"

Brains!!!!

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

Flower Vase!!!

So this woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her but she doesn't care. She is busy doing her thing around the house.

All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the expensive ones...from her husband.

She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh SHIT!"

The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't like roses?"
 
She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means???"

He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"

She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air."

He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase???"*

Bunch of flowers!!!

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girl's house one afternoon and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.

Instead to taking them she lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "This is for the flowers."

Paul looks at her and says, "Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

DO YOU HATE SOMEONE?

A kindergarten teacher  decided to let her class play a game.

The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes.Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates,So the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates.

So when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes. The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go (even to the toilet) for 1 week.

Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes. Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended....

The teacher asked: "How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for 1 week?". The children let out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.

Then the teacher told them the  meaning of the same in actual life . The teacher said: "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???"

Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take!

Little Girl :)

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugar Brown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

Running!!!

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condy when you run?'

'Nope...just when it's raining.'

Little Johnny & Grandma!!!

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter.

"I have to make pee pee", wailed Little Johnny.

"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."

"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."

"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly."

"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." replied Little Johnny.

OWLS!!!!

1st Lady: What do You Think About Husbands?
2nd Lady: They are Like OWLS.
1st Lady: Why?
2nd Lady: They can see the Good Things in a Wife only at night

Problems :)

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.  "What food might this contain?"  The mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed this warning:
"There is a mousetrap in the house!  There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the goat and told him,"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

 
The goat sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose." So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap . . . Alone
 
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- the sound Of a mousetrap catching  its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it. It was a venomous snake whose tail was caught in the trap. The snake bit the farmer's wife.The farmer rushed her to the hospital. When she returned home she still had a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup.So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient: But his wife's sickness continued. Friends and neighbors came to sit  with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the goat.

But, alas, the farmer's wife did not get well... She died.

So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them for the funeral luncheon. And the mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and you think it doesn't concern you, remember –

When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another and protect the life of each other...

So Protect & promote Life.(Stand for Prolife)

Salesman!!!

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my a*s."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more a*s this month, I'm going to lose my car."

Condy!!!!

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condy, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: 'What's that?'
Lady 2: 'A Condy.'
Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'
Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condy. The guy looks at her skin of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter, she replies, "As long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

Thirty Left!!!

A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times.

He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your weenie is burned out; you only have 30 erections left"

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

Nap :)

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with non-stop chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

SUV !!!

Two old guys were chatting.... .

One said to the other:

"The wife gave me an SUV for birthday".

Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!!...... Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Blind(s) Man!!!!

On a hot summer day, two nuns - both young, blonde and beautiful — are working in the church library putting away books. After working feverishly to get the job done, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I can't take this heat anymore! Do you think it would be all right if we removed our shirts to cool off while we worked?"

The second nun, feeling the heat herself, decides that it would be acceptable since no one else was present. She locked the door and closed the curtains, and then the two nuns removed their shirts and kept working. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" asks the first nun.

"It's the blind man," says the voice behind the door.

"Well, a blind man can't see our nakedness. We can let him in," the other nun says, and opens the door.

"Wow!" says the blind man, "Nice t!ts! I gotta run back to the truck. Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

Finger!!!

Judy, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend." gushes Judy. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when it crashed down and cut off a finger!"
"My god!" shrieks Carol. "Did it cut off his WHOLE finger!?"
"No, thank goodness," sniffs Judy. "But it was the one just next to it!"

--

Counter-balance complexity with simplicity.

9 Questions & Answers :)

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3.. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar . Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S .'


Answers:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls . (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons : Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season . When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon,semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe,question mark, exclamation point , quotation mark , brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked,or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes,socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts

Secret :)

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I would dispute that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

Doctor!!!!

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts."

After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"

"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."

Wait!!!

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condy's. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Faithful!!!

This guy comes home dead tired from working a eighteen-hour day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says,

"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

--

Counter-balance complexity with simplicity.

Tension!!!!

A beautiful girl asks lift from you. On the way she faints and you take her to hospital.
Doctor says 'Congrats. You are going to become a father.'

THAT'S IT. YOU GET TENSED.

You say – 'But that baby is not mine.'
Girl says – 'he is only the father of my baby.'

YOU HAVE MORE TENSION.

Police comes and DNA test is done. Report comes. Which says that you can never become a father.

EVEN MORE TENSION FOR YOU.

Anyhow you thank God and return home. Then you think, "At home I have 2 kids. Whose are those?"

THIS IS REAL TENSION.

--

Counter-balance complexity with simplicity.

Fire!!!

Q: What happens when a whore's house catches fire?
A: Some come out running and some run out coming!

--
"Never ignore your gut feelings even in a very complex situation"

Fumbling!!!!

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".

--
"Never ignore your gut feelings even in a very complex situation"

Shooting!!!

Judge: Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
Man: Your honor, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

Truth :)

Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did !

Closet door :)

A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man.

The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.

"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.

At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"

Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

White???

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

Dear!!!

Three nots!!!!

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" He asks.
"Three nots," she replies.
"Three knots? What's that mean?"
"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

Divorce -OL!!!!!

Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

Call Center :)

When a friend of mine got depressed recently, he rang Lifeline and got through to a call centre in Pakistan.

When he told the guy he felt suicidal, the call center guy got very excited and asked if he knew how to drive a truck

Grandpa!!!

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital." How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet .. And that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing?" he says, "I am told you are giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replied the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep...and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.

--
Guns don't need agreements

I was in Love :)

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.'

The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'

Bubble!!!!!

eNJOY GUYS!!!

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students.

As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the
students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, " Let's start with the boys first."

Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting.

Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after
all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes
next."

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of
supporting a friend. Ok next. "

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."

This continues...

 and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble
in the Bathtub. "

 Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach
un-grown boys for long.

 Anyway, now the girls please. "

 First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."

 Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."

 Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."

 Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet
girl; Yes you... "

 Most beautiful girl of the class:

 "Madam, my name is 'Bubble', and my hobby is to take bath three times a day."

 Teacher Fainted!!! "

 proud to be a boy ;)

Card Shop!!!

At the card shop a woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick cards?"

Car Names!!!

Who said car names don't have meaning.

BMW: Brings Me Women.

FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD: For Only Rough Drivers.

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive. ...

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

KIA: Kills In Accidents

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always.

GOLF/GTI: Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside

HONDA: Hanged Over, Now Driving Away.

Mistake!!!

Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one afternoon. "My name is Walters," the caller announced. "About two weeks ago my wife got a crazy idea and started walking the street asking me to procure customers for her."

"Just a minute," Gladstone protested. "You want Dr. Gladstone the psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone book. Many people dial me by mistake."

"No mistake," came the reply. "I want you to invest all the money we're making."

I want to be a TV :)

A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about what they would like God to do for them...

At the end of the day while marking the essays, she read one that made her very emotional.

Her husband, that had just walked in saw her crying and asked her: - What happened?

She answered - Read this. It's one of my students essays

Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place, And have my family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk.... I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it is not working.

Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.

And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me...

And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me...

I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.

And last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them...

Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV

At that moment the husband said: - 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!

She looked up at him and said: - 'That essay is our son's !

DATING RITUALS!!!!!

WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have Love, but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have Love.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have Love.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have Love.

ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have Love, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having Love.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have Love in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids,her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins,her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in … and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

Court Room !!!!

An English anthropologist was doing research in an isolated African village, the tribal chief asked if he would like to attend a trial his people were conducting that afternoon.

"You`ll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we`ve copied your country`s legal procedures. You see, we have read accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system."

When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely the African court officials resembled those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language. But he couldn't help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.

After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked,

"What was the purpose of having a semi nude woman run through the courtroom during the trial?"

"I really don`t know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in your papers about British trials, there was invariably mentioned something about `an excited titter` running through the gallery."

Jack & Jill :)

An office  manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack  or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.

Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,

"Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus".

Hat!!!

On the beach a man laid facing sky sunbathing with nothing to wear except a hat to cover his private  to prevent others turning off.

A bitch of a woman passes by and snarls, "A gentleman lifts a hat to a woman."

Man responds, "If a woman is attractive Gentleman's Hat lifts by itself.

Little Girl's Prayer!!!!

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, and God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?' The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,'God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.'

He practically went into shock.He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?' He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened HERE.

He asked 'What'??????

She said 'This morning our neighbor James suddenly died.'

Jealousy-OL!!!

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

This is Hell!!!!

A guy dies and goes to Hell. When he gets down there its nothing at all like he thought it would be. It's just like the beach... clear blue sky, about 85 degrees, sandy beach and waves as far as the eye can see.

As the guy starts walking along the beach he comes upon an old dude he knows who died a few years back. The old dude is laying on the beach with this super hot little hardbody blonde all wrapped around him, and a large cooler chest of beer at his feet.

The young guy asks in amazement, "This is hell?"

"Yeah," the old dude responds. "Wanna beer?"

"Sure!" the young guy says as he grabs one from the cooler. After turning the can of beer over several times he cries, "Hey, there's no hole in this beer!"

"Yeah," the old dude says mournfully. "There's no hole in this blonde either."

THIS IS HELL!!!

Most popular!!!!

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut.

Amazing Road Sign Story!!!

A Small Story…

A boy and a girl were playing together. The boy had a collection of marbles. The girl had some sweets with her.

The boy told the girl that he will give her all his marbles in exchange for her sweets. The girl agreed.

The boy kept the biggest and the most beautiful marble aside and gave the rest to the girl. The girl gave him all her sweets as she had promised.
That night, the girl slept peacefully.

But, the boy couldn't sleep as he kept wondering if the girl had hidden some sweets from him, the way he had hidden his best marble.

:: Moral of the Story ::

If you don't give your hundred percent in a relationship, you'll always keep doubting if the other person has given his/her hundred percent…

This is applicable for any relationship like love, employer-employee relationship etc.,

Give your hundred percent to everything you do and sleep peacefully.

You have to be DAD :)

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.

She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. '

'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Leave it all to me :)

Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.'

The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'

Fake!!!!

Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love  to his wife.
"No, dear," she replied. "This time I really was asleep."

Zen Teaching :)

One fine spring day…a disciple looked at some branches blowing in the wind.

He asked his master…"Master, are the branches moving or is it the wind?"

Not even glancing to where his pupil was pointing…the master smiled and said…

"That which moves is neither the branches nor the wind… "

"It's your heart and mind. "

Heavy Snow :)

Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband, Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. "Thank God you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this alarming sound coming under the van. For a minute I thought I was dragging you down the highway."

"And you didn't stop?"

Donate :)

I tell you, my wife and I, we think alike. I mean, she donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.

Five Management Lesson

Lesson  1  :     A priest offered a Nun a lift.  She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.  The priest nearly had an accident.  After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...  The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'  The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'  The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'  Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.  On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'  Moral of the story:    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.    ================================  Lesson  2  :    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'       'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..  'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'  Poof! She's gone.  'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in   Hawaii  , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'  Poof! He's gone.  'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'  Moral of the story:    Always let your boss have the first say.    ================================ Lesson  3    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.  A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.  Moral of the story:  To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.  ===============================  Lesson  4    A turkey was chatting with a bull.  'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy'       'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.  It's full of nutrients.'  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..  Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.  Moral of the story:    Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...    ===================== Lesson  5 A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.  While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!  He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.      Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.  Moral of the story:    (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.  (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Nothing Happening!!!

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says, "What are you doing?"

The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks, "And her what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

Marriage-OL :)

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Getting Old!!!!

Q: How do you know when your getting old?
A: You dreams are dry & you farts are wet.

Life after death :)

"Do you believe in life after death?" Thee Boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," The new employee replied.
"Well, then,that makes everything just fine," The boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your Grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!

Clever Dog :)

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.

Her husband replied Well, lots of dogs can do that.

The wife responded,

But we've never subscribed to any papers!!!

Lights :)

Halfway through a romantic dinner at a nice, cozy restaurant, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights."

I was falling in love all over again when he added, "We gotta get some of these lights!"

The Knob!!!

A  woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her  about a new  procedure called 'The Knob,' where a  small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten  up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted  'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years,  the woman tightened the knob, and the effects  were wonderful, the woman remained  young looking and vibrant.

After  fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon  with two problems..

'All these  years, everything has been working just fine.  I've had to turn the knob many times and  I've  always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First,  I have these terrible bags under my eyes and  the knob won't get rid of them.'

The  doctor looked at her closely and said,  'Those aren't bags, those are your  breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess  there's no point in asking about the  goatee.'

Adopted :)

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?' asked another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

Objects!!!

John was talking to Alan.
"So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep, whenever I mention sex, they object."

Gorilla Removers!!!

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." he calls the number, and the gorilla
remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean huge dog.

"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the  gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

Little Johnny!!!!

Little Johnny  is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the postman usually get bucked off!"

Name of the Book :)

One day a Mr.Joe goes to a library and asks for a book.

The beautiful librarian asks him the name of the book.

Joe says: "Psycho The Rapist"

Librarian searches for the book for a long time, comes back, slaps Joe and says: You idiot, It is "Psychotherapist" .