Secret :)

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I would dispute that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

Doctor!!!!

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts."

After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"

"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."

Wait!!!

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condy's. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Faithful!!!

This guy comes home dead tired from working a eighteen-hour day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says,

"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

--

Counter-balance complexity with simplicity.

Tension!!!!

A beautiful girl asks lift from you. On the way she faints and you take her to hospital.
Doctor says 'Congrats. You are going to become a father.'

THAT'S IT. YOU GET TENSED.

You say – 'But that baby is not mine.'
Girl says – 'he is only the father of my baby.'

YOU HAVE MORE TENSION.

Police comes and DNA test is done. Report comes. Which says that you can never become a father.

EVEN MORE TENSION FOR YOU.

Anyhow you thank God and return home. Then you think, "At home I have 2 kids. Whose are those?"

THIS IS REAL TENSION.

--

Counter-balance complexity with simplicity.

Fire!!!

Q: What happens when a whore's house catches fire?
A: Some come out running and some run out coming!

--
"Never ignore your gut feelings even in a very complex situation"

Fumbling!!!!

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".

--
"Never ignore your gut feelings even in a very complex situation"

Shooting!!!

Judge: Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
Man: Your honor, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

Truth :)

Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did !

Closet door :)

A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man.

The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.

"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.

At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"

Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

White???

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

Dear!!!

Three nots!!!!

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" He asks.
"Three nots," she replies.
"Three knots? What's that mean?"
"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

Divorce -OL!!!!!

Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

Call Center :)

When a friend of mine got depressed recently, he rang Lifeline and got through to a call centre in Pakistan.

When he told the guy he felt suicidal, the call center guy got very excited and asked if he knew how to drive a truck

Grandpa!!!

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital." How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet .. And that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing?" he says, "I am told you are giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replied the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep...and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.

--
Guns don't need agreements

I was in Love :)

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.'

The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'