Salesgirl !!!

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."

Three sisters!!!

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

Two Women!!!

Two women on the way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss. One wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other uses a wreath.

Their husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says: "I'd better watch my wife, she came home last night with no knickers!"

The other man says: "That's all, mine had a card wedged up her arse saying: we'll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station."

Something special!!!

The old couple had been married for 50 years. The wife wanted to do something special for the occasion so she suggested that they spend their anniversary at the same hotel that they honeymooned in 50 years earlier.

They checked in to the hotel and when they got to the room, the old man went straight over to the bed, sat down and started crying.

When the wife asked him what was the matter, he said: "It's my turn to cry because it's too big.."

Manhood!!!

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium,  and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

When the fly goes down...!!!

There was a fly looking at some food in a river. The fly thought, "If I go down, I can get the food!"

There was a fish looking at the fly. The fish thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can get the fly!"

There was a bear looking at the fish. The bear thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, and that fish comes up to get the fly, I can get the fish!"

There was a man looking at the bear. The man thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear gets the fish, I can shoot the bear!"

There was a mouse looking at the man. The mouse thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, and the man shoots the bear, I can get the man's sandwich!"

There was a cat looking at the mouse. The cat thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse gets the sandwich, I can get the mouse!"

So the fly goes down to get the food. The fish comes up and gets the fly. The bear swipes his mighty paw and gets the fish. The man shoots the bear. The mouse runs for the man's sandwich. The cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls in the river.

What's the moral of the story?

When the fly goes down, the pussy gets wet.

Idea!!!

Jenny's friend Debbie was at work complaining about a sore throat and laryngitis.

"When I have that I always give a blowie  to my husband and the next day I'm better, you should try it."

Next day Debbie comes in singing.

"How did it go?" enquires Jenny.

"Brilliant" says Debbie, "your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

Dog's Tail :)

A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?"

The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?"

The man replies, "My mother-in-law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"

Human Race :)

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made ..."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!"

Blonde Joke - Genie :)

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they'll each get one wish.

The brunette and the redhead both wish they were at home.

The blonde then says, "Gee, I'm kinda lonely ... I wish my friends were here ... "

Firm this up!!!

A husband pinches his wife's arse and says: "Do you know if you firm this up you could get rid of your girdle?"

The wife annoyed, decided to bite her tongue and say nothing.

Later that night in bed, the husband squeezed her tits and said: "Do you know, if you firmed these up you could get rid of your bra?"

Absolutely fuming, the wife reached over and grabbed his dick and said: "Well do you know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the milk man

Psychiatrist !!!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children."You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You have even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willie from school and go get dinner."

Knees Down!!

Beautiful woman :)

A man approaches to a beautiful woman in a Hypermarket:
"Miss, please, I lost my wife in the store. Would you mind if I talk to you for a few minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears from nowhere."

Contagious!!!

At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence...

Cindy raises her hand. "Yes, Cindy?" She answers, "I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious."

"Very good, Cindy!" the teacher said, "Anyone else want to try?" Samantha raises her hand. "Yes, Samantha?" She answers, "My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious."

"Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative," the teacher praises. "Okay, one more volunteer." Little Johnny raises his hand. "Yes, Bobby?"

"Well," he says, "I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious*.'"

* for those that don't get it... sound it out in two syllables

Missed Opportunity - Ullu Ka Pattha..!!

A 16 Year Old Boy Went To Drop An Unknown Aunty Ji To Her Home…….

Aunty: "Beta, Raat Bahut Ho Gai Hai, Yahi So Jao, 'Bittu' Ke Room Me"

Boy: "Nahi Aunty Ji, Mai Guest Room Mein So Jaunga"

Next Day A Beautiful Girl Comes With A Cup Of Coffee…….

Boy: "Aap Kaun?"

Girl: "Ji, Main 'Bittu' Or Aap?"

Boy: "Main, Ullu Ka Pattha..!!"

Doctors!!!

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they make love for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

24 hours to live !!

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him, of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said: "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said: "Honey? Please Just one more time.
She agreed, then afterward she rolled and fell asleep."

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until it was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we ...?".

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said: "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and go to work while you don't!."

Reservation!!!

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.

"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the a$$."

Keys !!!

A growing up boy asked his dear Dad, "What is between Mom's legs?"

Dad says, "Oh it is Paradise."

Son goes on, "And Dad what is between your legs?

Dad  proudly says, "It is the key of entry to the paradise between  your  mother's legs?"

Son promptly advises, "Dad you better change the key for entry to the  mom's paradise, the neighbors have been using duplicate keys to that  paradise."

Sweetness of Wife :)

Indian Wives come from of sophisticated culture of historic  proportion.  They do not call their husbands in front of everyone 'Abey Gadhe"  interpreted in English it is "Hey Ass" in harshness.

They call  them sweetly in  public in abbreviated address "A.G. sunte ho?" interpreted  in  English it is  "Hey Ass are you listening?"

Headache!!!

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood, but true to his wife, goes home.
 
When he gets home, he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.
 
He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.
 
Of course, she chokes, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"
 
He says, "Two aspirin".
 
She replies, "BUT, I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!!!"
 
He says, "That's what I wanted to hear!"

Save Paper

Twins :)

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more?'"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked Her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Tesco and bought The TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!"

Pendulum!!!!

A hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience in the hall with a pendulum.

Suddenly the pendulum fell down. He blurted out  "F@#$".

And it took a whole day to separate the crowd

Brakes!!!

A man is busy screwing his girlfriend on the railway tracks.  The alert train driver spots the couple miles before and immediately starts hooting and starts applying the brakes, but the couple just ignores it and is happily in the act.

The driver is damn irritated and just stops a few yards away from the loving couple. He jumps down from the engine and rushes towards the man who has just finished and is zipping up his pants.

The driver is so angry, he starts shouting at the irresponsible young man, "You idiot, do you realize that if I had not seen you at the right time, this would have been your last f...

"Hold on" replies the young man. "Listen, you were coming; she was coming and I was coming... But only you had the brakes..."

Beauty of ENGLISH!!!!

Ever noticed by removing 1 word after another in a sentence can lead to a nice story?. Here's an example:.
"Oh Jack plz dont touch me at all..!""
Oh Jack plz dont touch me at..!""
Oh Jack plz dont touch..!""
Oh Jack plz dont..!""
Oh Jack plz...!""
Oh Jack..!""
Ohh...!''

Prostate test!!

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Faith healer!!!

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a Baby in six months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time."

Farmer!!!

A farmer stopped  by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he  waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home  he stopped at the hardware  store and bought a  bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a  couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had  a problem - how to carry his entire purchases  home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a girl who seem to have lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to  1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said,  'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The  girl suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket  in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other  hand?'

'thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the  girl home.

On the way he  says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no  time.'

The girl looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely .. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up  against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with  me?'

The farmer said,  'Holy smokes girl! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a  goose. How in the world could you possibly think I will have you up against the wall and do that?'

The  girl  replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of  the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!!!