New Year's Eve :)

On New Year's Eve, Peter was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.

As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.

'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Peter.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' inquired the constable sarcastically.

'I agree, but my wife will,' slurred Peter grimly.

two people in the same grave :)

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked: "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Futuristic Motel!!!

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later, he pulled his head out and looked in the mirror, and saw the best haircut of his life. "Would wonders never cease! This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read "Manicures $10."

"Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 Cents."

"Oh, man...do I ever need that!" He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.

Auction :)

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Sympathy :)

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"

Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Dark In Here!!!

A Woman Takes A Lover Home During The Day, While Her Husband Is At Work. She Don't Know That Her 9 Year Old Son Was Hiding In The Closet.

Her Husband Comes Home Unexpectedly, So She Puts The Lover In The Closet With The Little Boy.

The Little Boy Says: "Dark In Here"

The Man Says: "Yes It Is"

Boy: "I Have A Baseball"

Man: "That's Nice"

Boy: "Want To Buy It?"

Man: "No, Thanks"

Boy: "My Dad's Outside"

Man: "Ok, How Much?"

Boy: "$250"

In The Next Few Weeks, It Happens Again That The Boy And The Mom's Lover Are In The Closet Together.

Boy: "Dark In Here"

Man: "Yes, It Is"

Boy: "I Have A Baseball Glove"

The Lover, Remembering The Last Time, Asks The Boy: "O.K. How Much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Fine"

A Few Days Later, The Father Says To The Boy: "Grab Your Glove. Let's Go Outside And Toss The Baseball Back And Forth"

The Boy Says: "I Can't. I Sold Them"

The Father Asks: "How Much Did You Sell Them For?"

The Son Says: "$1,000"

The Father Says: "That's Terrible To Overcharge Your Friends Like That. That Is Way More Than Those Two Things Cost. I'm Going To Take You To Church And Make You Confess."

They Go To Church And The Father Makes The Little Boy Sit In The Confession Booth And He Closes The Door.

The Boy Says: "Dark In Here."

The Priest Says: "Heyy, Please Don't Start That Shit Again."

Spell Check :)

 

Girl in love - Boy in love :)

Girl 1: I'm in love
Girl 2 : Who is he
Girl 3: how does he look
Girl 4 : what is his color
Girl 5: how tall is he
Girl 6 : what is he doing
Girl 7 :who are his Friends
Girl 8 : how rich is he
After full inspection
All the girls:Be careful he might be a bad guy
Girl 1 : OK

Now same situation

Boy1 : I'm in love
Boy 2 : bhai party
Boy 3 : bhai party
Boy 4 : bhai party
Boy 5 : bhai party
Boy 6 : bhai party
Boy 7 : bhai party
Boy 8 : bhai party

Think Different :)

Difficult to achieve :)

Two things in life that are difficult to achieve:

1. To plant your idea in someone's head.
2. To plant someone's money in your own pocket.

The one who succeeds in the former- is a 'teacher'.

The one who succeeds in the latter- is a 'boss'.

The one who succeeds in both is a 'wife'.

The one who fails in both is a 'husband'!

Harassment !!!

Teacher Santa Se: "Use The Word Harassment In A Sentence"

Santa: "When I Was In School With Her, Her-Ass-Meant A Lot To Me

Men will be Men!!!

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

Heart Attack!!!

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Gynecologist !!!!

Once A Lady Met A Male Gynecologist In A Party And Asked.

Lady: "Doctor Do You Remember Me?"

Doctor Replied: "Sorry Mam, I Don't Remember Ladies By Their Faces."

Baba!!!

Santa Ke Pass 15 Inch Ka Bada Chota Aur Pyara Sa Goda (Horse) Thha.

Uske Khas Dost Banta Ne Usko Dekha Aur Puchha: "Yaar Itna Pyara Goda Kaha Se Liya?"

Santa: "Yaar Vo Udhar Jheel Ke Paas Ek Bade Pahunche Hue Baba Aaye Hai Aur Tapasya Kar Rahe Hai, Jo Maango De Dete Hai"

Banta: "Wah Yaar Ye To Bada Achha Hai, Main Bhi Jaake Kuch Mang Leta Hun"

Santa: "Par Yaar Ek Baat Ka Dhayan Rakhna, Unko Zara Ooncha Sunta Hai, Aur Vo Sirf Ek Hi Murad Puri Karte Hai"

Banta Ja Pahuncha Baba Ke Pas Aur Bola: "Baba Ji Mujhe Heerey Se Bhari Ek Bori De Do"

Baba Ne Apne Muh Mein Kuch Mantar Pade Aur Bori Aa Gayi, Aur Baba Fir Apni Tapasya Mein Leen Ho Gaye.

Banta Ne Khushi Khushi Bori Uthayi Aur Ghar Vapis Aa Gaya, Aake Jaisi Hi Usne Bori Kholi To Usmein Kheerey Thhe.

Vo Rota Hua Santa Ke Pass Gaya Aur Bola: "Yaar Badi Bakchodi Ho Gayi Mene Mange To Heere Thhe Par Ander Se Kheere Nikle"

Santa Rote Hue: "Bhonsdi Ke Tujhe Bola To Tha Ki Baba Ooncha Sunte Hai, Aur Tujhe Kya Lagta Hai Ki Maine 15 Inch Ka Goda Manga Hoga"

3 Good Manners!!

3 Good Manners Of Male Weenie:

1. Courteous - It Stands Before Performing.
2. Emotional - It Cries During The Performance.
3. Polite - It Bows Down After The Performance.

Songs!!

Song for weenie at different ages :-

• 18: Pehla Nasha
• 18-30: Dhoom Macha Le Dhoom
• 30-40: Kabhi Khusi Kabhi Gham
• 41-55: Kal Ho Na Ho
• 55+: Pappu Can't Dance Sala

Mahangayi Par Ek Sher

Hum To Tailor Ke Pas Silwane Jaya Karte Thhe Apni,

Par Aaj To Tailor Ne Hamari Hi Phaad Ke Rakh Di.

Presence of Mind!!!

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Little Brother!!!

A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom."

The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither."

The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."

Hasta... :)

Jo Aadmi hamesha hasta rehta hai usko "HUS-MUKH" kehte hain.

Ab sawaal yeh hai ki jiska hasna bilkul bandh ho gaya ho usko kya kehte hai - "HUS BAND".

Never Give Up :)

Confucius Reply!!!

Woman asks: If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 8 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?

Confucius replies:'It's very simple. When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock. But when one key can open 8 different locks, we call it a master key'.

Best Quotes!!!

Folding Chair & Woman – Both Useless If Legs Closed

Microwave & Girl – Both Get Hot In 15 Sec

Bra & Bar -  Men Go Crazy When They Are Open

Responsible :)

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Wanted to show you what it feels like.. :)

A wife was making a breakfast for her husband.
 
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
 
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
 
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
 
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Big Mouth!!!

A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him, "A sorority girl is running around campus telling people you have a small dick."

Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big mouth."

Screen Saver :)

Bill Gates met God, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?"

Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."

God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell."

"As you wish," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."

Interesting -OL :)

I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law" you get the words "Woman Hitler".