Trust!!

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.

The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.

 "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Advertisement !!

Advertisement painted on back of a delivery truck:

South
Eastern
Xpress
Guaranteed
Overnight
Delivery

(Read first letters vertically)

Confusion !!

Q: "Which Is The Most Difficult Sport In The World To Watch?"

Ans: "Women's Doubles Tennis."

Because 9 Balls Bounce At A Time And You are In Confusion Which One To Watch?

Remote!!

Ek Baar Ek Ladki Ko Ladke Wale Dekh Kar Jate Hai, Ladki Ki Maa Ladki Se Puchti Hai.

Maa: "Beti, Ladka Pasand Aya?"

Beti: "Ladka To Theek Hai, Par Thoda Chota Hai."

Maa: "TV 14 Inch Ka Ho Ya 29 Inch Ka, Remote To 7 Inch Ka Hi Hota Hai."

Dirty Mind -OL !!

What's hard and straight going in, soft and sticky coming out? - Chewing gum.

Naam!!!

Ek Dost Apne Dusre Dost Ke Bete Ki Birthday Party Pe Gaya Aur Uss Se Puchha.

Dost: "Yaar Tune Ape Bete Ka Naam Nirodh Kumar Kyu Rakha Hai?"

Dusra Dost: "Yaar Main Apni Wife Ke Sath Kar Raha Tha, Condom Slipp Hoke Ander Chala Gaya, Aur Uski Wajah Se Ye Hua, Isliye

Boss :)

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

Heaven!!!

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.

"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place."

"You don't want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there."

"I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."

Coincidence!!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar. Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me..I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked,

'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman.'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Staten Island Ferry!!

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Same Job :)

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Range Rover when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Range Rover. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked: "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running."

Lack of Communication!!

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom.

He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that moron for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"

Top 10 Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down

Top 10 Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson .. Paging Mr. Johnson.

6. Elvis has left the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped ..

1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

--

What is not started today is never finished tomorrow

Movie Title :)

Producer : movie ka naam sunte hi bache dar jae aisa kuch title bataao......                                       
Director : "morning exam evening result".

Harmonica!!!

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

Good Prospects!!!

Two lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.
He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady.
Please forgive me." The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."
The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady?" asked the Father." "No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?" "No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?" "No."
"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked,
"So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other,
"but I picked up three good prospects!"

Medical term :)

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said: "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Samsya Ya Invitation!!

Santa Ki Wife Apne Pati Se Pareshan Ho Kar Swami Ke Pass Gayi.

Santa's Wife: "Swami Ji, Mere Pati Roz Aadhi Raat Ko Ghar Se Chale Jate Hai"

Swami Ji: "Isse Mein Aap Ki Samsya Samju, Ya Mere Liye Aap Ka Invitation?"

Congress Live :)

2 emotions!!

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an  erection, make him a sandwich.

Second Notice :)

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue.

Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.

Break her habit :)

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Choices :)

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Male Shopping Vs Female Shopping

Mother Tongue :)

A sardar was helping his son in filling his admission form, Son asked to Sardar "Baapu mother tongue walay box main kya likhna hai?"

Sardar : Likh de puttar "Very Long"