Common!!

Q: What do women and police cars have in common?

 A: They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Rooster!!

A farmer brought a Rooster home. As soon as the rooster entered the farm, he started screwing all the 200 hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunch, Rooster screws all the 200 hens again.

The farmer is becoming uncomfortable and worried now.

The next day, he sees that the Rooster doing it to the ducks, geese & a goat too.

Finally, the farmer sees the Rooster lying on the ground, weak and pale, half-dead & vultures circling over it's head.

The Farmer rebukes him and says "You deserved it, didn't you, you horny desperate idiot.!!

The Rooster opens one eye, and pointing towards the sky, says "Sssshh ! Speak softly ! Just let them land!"

Flashlight!!

A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Yesterday, I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When turned on my flashlight, I witnessed two men making love."

"Oh, so you were the jerk with the flashlight."

Privacy!!

Jungle Mein Sher Badi Pareshani Ke Mood Mein Betha Tha, Tabhi Uske Pas Ek Bandar Aaya Aur Usne Puchha

Bandar: "Maharaja Ji, Kya Hua Aap Aise Udaas Kyu Bethe Ho?"

Sher: "Yaar Kya Batau, Ye Saale Discovery Aur Animal Planet Walon Ne Bhi Pareshan Kar Ke Rakha Hai"

Bandar: "Kyun, Kya Hua?"

Sher: "Saale Privacy To Dete Nahi, Aur Phir Bolte Hai, Only Few Left"

Odd one Out!!

Q: Which is the odd one out?
1. Chick Pea
2. Green Bean
3. Soy Bean
4. Vibrator
.
..
...
A: Green Bean, all the others are meat substitutes.

Harami!!

Define A Ture Harami?

A harami is someone who visits a medical store, instead of an Ice Cream parlor when his Girlfriend says: "I Love Strawberry Flavor"

Common Sense :)

An illiterate father with his educated son went on a camping trip, they set up their tent and feel asleep.

Some hour later, father wakes his son and asks: "Look up to the sky and tell me what do you see?

Son: I see Millions of stars...

Father: What does that tell you?

Son: Astronomically it tells there are millions of galaxies and planets up there...

Father: Slaps the son hard and says, "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

KLPD -OL!!

Husband enters a medical store to buy condy's for weekend & receives SMS from wife - "Ghar Aate Huye Whisper Le Aana"

Three words -OL!!

What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home.

Lies :)

The school phoned me today and said: "Your son has been telling lies!"
I said: "Well tell him he's bloody good. I ain't got any kids!"

Invoicing Query!!

A Businessman in Texas had an invoicing query. so he called his secretary for helping him with Maths.

He asked her, "You graduated from Texas university, right? I need some help with a problem.

If I have to give you $45,000 minus 15%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary, thinking for a moment, replied, "Everything but my earrings".

Assessments!!

The crux of the problem. 

Men look at a woman's ass and say: What an ass! Whereas 

Women look at a man's face and say: What an ass!

Same comment, different Ass-essments

Argument!!

Jeeto: I have invented a way of winning every argument with my hubby.

Preeto: Even I would like to know. Please tell me also.

Jeeto: Argue while being naked, you'll win it every single time

Tastes!!

Human tastes change as people mature. Little girls like dolls and little boys like balls.

However, when they grow up, girls like balls and boys like dolls.

Scribbling !!

Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head.

"What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.

"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!" replied the customer.

"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else," said the bartender.

"I know," continue the headshaker. "One of them has scratched out the phone number!"

Halloween party!!

A couple was going to a Halloween party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss in Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his weenie.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."

Affair!!

Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'

 

His second friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'

 

Santa says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' 

 

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 

 

'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'

Something Nice :)

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice.

During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

Observation!!

1st year students of MBBS were attending their first practical class.They all gathered around the surgery table with a real dead body (man),the professor, put his finger in man's ass and tasted it in his own mouth.

Then he told them to do the same,the students hesitated for several minutes.

But eventually everyone inserted their finger's in man's ass and tasted it,when everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said

Professor: "The most important thing is observation. I inserted my middle finger but tasted the index finger"

Feed!!

Banta was in his apartment wearing only his boxers.

Preeto: Dress up, guests must be coming any moment.

Banta: Let them see me this way, so they know how you feed me.

Preeto: Then take off the boxers also, so they may see that what for should I feed you

Difference!!

Q: What's the difference between a micro-wave oven and a woman?

A: Micro-wave oven does not scream when you put a piece of meat in it.

Right thing!!

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Pigs for sale!!

A man is driving through the countryside when he sees a sign that reads "Pigs for sale, next left". Curiosity got the better of him and he turned into the farm.The farmer greets him at the gate and asks him which pig he wants. The man, having no experience of buying pigs simply points at one and asks "how much is that one?".

The farmer grabs the pig's tail between his teeth, lifts the pig off the floor and says "£200" Slightly confused, the man says "that's a bit expensive, how about that one" and points at another pig. Again the father picks up the pig by the tail between his teeth and says "that ones heavier, so it'll be about £250".

"Heavier?" said the man, "am i supposed to believe you are weighing them"

"Yes" said the farmer, "that's how you weigh pigs, everybody knows that, ask my daughter"

The man turns to his daughter and sure enough she says "that's how you weigh pigs".

By this point the man is sure he is being conned, and is about to leave when the farmer says, "Hang on, I'll prove that this is how you weigh pigs, ask my wife".

To which his daughter added "Oh, you can't ask her, she's weighing the postman".

Chamatkaar!!

Doston Kahte Hai Aurat Ke Hath Mein Barkat Hoti Hai,

Bilkul Sahi Hai,

Kyun Ki Agar Us Ke Haath Mein,

Do Inch Ki Cheez Pakda De,

To 6-Inch Ki Kar Deti Hai,

Jaise Ki, Chapaati

Think Positive Yaar.

Angrez - Hindi

Ek Angrej Hindi Sikhne Ke Liye India Aaya.

15 Din Yahi Raha, Finally Usne 2 Baatein Sikhi:

1. Shukar Hai, Light Aa Gayi.

2. Iski Maa Ki Chut, Phir Chali Gayi.

Second time!!

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and Santa runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.

Jeeto yells, "That guy just screwed me twice!"

Santa: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?

Jeeto: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time

Optimists & Pessimists!!

Both Optimists & Pessimists Contribute To Our Society

The Optimist Invents The Viagara,

And

The Pessimist Invents The i-Pill.

Difference !!

Question: "What Is Difference Between Chicken And A Baby?"

Answer: "Chicken Is A Result Of Sitting Hen,

And

Baby Is The Result Of Standing Cock."

Will Power!!

Man quits smoking because of will power.

He quits drinking because of will power.

But he quits womanizing because he has the will but no power!