Hurts :)

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says..."Now she knows."

Football wedding :)

Two fellows were discussing the upcoming wedding of their boss.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 92 years old, and she's just 27! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

Operation!!

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theater door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor".

Har aadmi ka sapna :)

Protection!!

Santa's Girlfriend Told Him To Bring The Protection,

Next Time They Go On A Date,

Santa Brought, 3 Brothers And 5 Cousins With Hockey Sticks.

Point of View!!

When a woman says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor

and you'll have no clothes

to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON

blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I

blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES

blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW ....

Best Excuse!!

This incident, is supposed to have happened in real life.

My friend, who is a the head of Human Resources at a very large bank, says that the best excuse for absenteeism, that he had ever received in his career of almost 22 years, was from a female Indian employee, at their bank's head quarters at Mumbai, India, in July, 2010.

He says when the lady, was questioned on why she remained absent the previous day, she simply replied ....... " But sir, I had no option. My husband was on casual leave yesterday and was at home. By mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our medicine cabinet and ended up consuming an over-dose of Viagra ! Now how could I have left him, all alone at home, with the house-maid?"

Best Years :)

A famous Inspirational speaker said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who was not my wife."

Audience was in shock and silence. He added: "She was my mother."

He received a big round of applause and laughter.

A very daring husband tried to crack this at home. After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kithen: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who was not my wife", standing for a moment, trying to recall the 2nd line of that speaker...

By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from the burns of boiling water!

Moral: Don't copy, if you can't paste!

Example!!

Teacher: Give an example of making mountain out of a mole hill.

Pappu: Padded bra.

Winking!!

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.

"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".

"Then show me", replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condys in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".

"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".

"How do you explain all the condys?" asks the interviewer.

"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?

Poison :)

Martin goes to the church and meets the priest. The priest asks about Martin's welfare and Martin says: "Father, I am all confused and scared."

Father: "Why Martin, what's going on?"

Martin: "My wife is trying to kill me. She is giving me poison."

Father: "That can't be true. You are imagining things Martin. However, if it gives you any solace, I will talk to your wife and I am sure we will find out the truth. Together we will come out of it. Come to me on next Sunday after sermon."

Came Sunday and Martin went to see the Father.

Father: "Well now Martin, I spoke to your wife at length on two occasions for more than five hours. You want to hear my conclusion?"

Martin: "Yes father."

Father: "Take that poison."

Humiliate :)

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "

'Hold my purse.'

Bad Luck!!

Two women were walking towards the other side of town along a deserted alley way when they were confronted by two drunken sailors and raped. After the sailors had left, they carefully arranged their attire and continued on the journey.

One then turned to the other and said, "What bad luck to get raped twice on the same night."

"What do you mean twice?" the other asked.

"We are going back by the same way, aren't we?" came the reply.

Practicing!!

Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get married next week!" The bride-to-be was ecstatic.

"Gee, honey, don't you think you two should wait till he's been practicing for a year or so?" cautioned her mother.

"Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been practicing."

Common Sense :)

Difference!!

Son: What's the difference between Love, Relief and Belief ?

Father: Your mom is love, your maid is my relief and I'm your Dad- well that's my belief.

Men Vs Women Discoveries :)

Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT..

Woman got inspired from PAINT and invented MAKEUP.. 

Man discovered WORD and invented CONVERSATION.. 

Woman got inspired from CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.. 

Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD... 

Woman got inspired from FOOD and invented DIET.... 

Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE.... 

Woman got inspired from LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.. 

Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY... 

Woman got MONEY and started SHOPPING... 

That's it! Thereafter, man has discovered and invented a lot of things... 

WHILE WOMEN ARE STILL SHOPPING... !

One tooth!!

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him.

"Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

Loan!!

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said, "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine."

"So, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

"I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much. So, I told him that oral would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally, I said, 'Well, how much do you have?' The marine said that he only had $25. So, I said, 'Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand.

"He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out, and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first, and then the first hand above the second hand"

"Oh my God" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge. Then what did you do?"

"I loaned him the $75!"

Jannat Ka Parda!!

Ek aadmi bazaar mein jor-jor se chilla raha tha: "Jannat Ka Parda 20 rupaye mein – jannat ka parda 20 rupaye mein"

Saare bazaar ke log apna-apna kaam chhod kar uske paas gaye, Paas jakar dekha to, Haramkhor Panty Bech Raha Tha.

Same Problem :)

Once in a soap industry in US, the soap cover was mistakenly packed without soap in it i.e. an empty cover to avoid the problem in future they purchased x-ray machine of 60 thousand dollars to check in the assembly line that whether soap is packed in the cover or not in. 

Same problem occurred in India. What did they do?? 

They simply put a pedestal fan beside the assembly line. Empty boxes were flown away! 

Genius Nation.

Burning Desire!!

Question: "What is meant by burning desire of while making love?"

Answer: "It's when a person discovers that the Vaseline he applied before kamasutra in the dark was tiger balm"

Cricket Commentary!!

How Does A Cricket Commentator Describe A Nude Girl

There is no cover, no extra cover, no slip, but 2 silly points & 2 fine legs, a deep gully...and little grass on the pitch!

Will be bit wet as the match progresses.

Anyway it's going to be a fine batting pitch.

Good for googlies and better for finger spin...

Dumb Charades!!!

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE."

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

Embarrassing Situations!!

A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!

On Heat!!

A little boy didn't go to school one day.

The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the bull".

"How disgusting," said the teacher? "I'm sure your father could have done that."

"No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to be the bull."

Naam!!

College Mein Naye Admission Hone Ke Baad Ek Ladke Aur Ladki Ke Beech Suni Gayi Ye Baat.

Ladka: "Aapka Naam Kya Hai?"

Ladki: "Pahan Ke Bataun Ya Bol Ke?"

Ladka: "Matlab?"

Ladki: "Payal"

Ladka: "Ohh"

Ladki: "Aur Aapka?"

Ladka: "Haath Mein Doon Ya Muh Mein?"

Ladki Hairani Se: "Matlab?"

Ladka: "Prasad"

I cannot!!

An elderly man was having a calm walk when he happens to pass a brothel. 

One of the prostitutes calls out, "Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try?

Old Man: "No, my child, I cannot!

Prostitute: Cheer up! Let's try!

The elderly man enters and performs like a 25 year old.

Prostitute: Oh Gosh! And you still say you cannot.

Old Man: Aaah, I can, what I cannot is - pay!